Darkness I

Dancing in the moonlight,
Singing in the wind,
Hating all who love me back
With a twisted grin.
All throughout the graveyard,
None will dare come near
For the ghosts will eat your heart out
And feed off all your fear.


((Not sure if this is the right place for this, but oh well ))

that was deep very deep. you should write more like this.

this is a very good start. I like it alot =) if you could find somethings to add on to it, I think that you could go really far. I really can't say anything bad about it because I can find anything. I would like to see more from you . keep up the good work!!!

Nutteh! I can has another poemz? Yay! Two in one day!

Okay, I definitely love this one more than the other. Here, your rhyming is extremely neat and not forced at all! Usually when people try to rhyme in poetry it comes out all corny and unnatural, but I don't see that here.

I can't find anything else to say about this! Good job, dear Queen. I definitely want to read more from you.

Aw, thanks guys!

I admit I like this one best out of three different Darkness poems I have. Sad to say, but the more I progressed in the, er, series (or something like that) the less rad they got

But again, thank you guys!

~nutty

Hey there! I liked this poem. It right about the perfect length, and the verses had a nice lyrical rhythm. It was very to catchy to read, but there were a few things!

xX_white_shadow_Xx wrote:Dancing in the moonlight,
Singing in the wind,
Hating all who love me back
With a twisted grin.

In these four stanzas you don't have a subject noun. There's singing in the wind, there is dancing, but who is performing these actions? Since you say, "me", I'll assume this poem is in first person, so adding "I'm" to the beginning of the first three lines will do.

Otherwise, it was very nice! I see you have a sequel to this poem, which I'll go review ASAP. Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

That was a really neat poem, nightlight. It was like a horror poem. *likes* I shall now read the "er-series". Lol.
-Crescent

Well... there were some awkward moments. It was interesting, certainly, but I don't think it needed to be so heavily peppered with cliches as it did. That first line? Dancing in the moonlight? Pick a more unusual, unexpected verb.

Hating all who love me back
With a twisted grin.

This makes no sense at all. "Love me back"? If I understand correctly, you are talking about ghosts in the graveyard, and if the ghosts are the ones grinning, shouldn't you change "grin" to become plural? Simply curious.

The last line strongly reminds me of Harry Potter's dear friends the dementors.

It needs some work, but I see potential. Keep working on it.

–antimelrose

VERY VERY WELL WRITTEN...
I loved the whole deepness of the story.
keep on writing.

colie18