The Last Breath: The Many Thoughts

As I take my last breath,
I reminisce on precious times,
but I regret all my life mistakes

As I take my last breath,
I think of what I'm leaving,
but I prepare myself for what's to come

As I take my last breath,
I finally meet awaited death...

Hello!

This was a nice poem. It was simple and cute; there isn't really much else to say about it. One thing I don't like is your repetition of 'As I take my last breath'. It's kind of distracting and it breaks up the flow of the poem. I think you should have some repetition, but not as much as you do now. Maybe having it at the beginning of every stanza, and then at the very end?

yuprincess wrote:

Okay, this may be a cute smiley, but you should generally leave these things out of your poetry. It makes things seem a bit amateurish and prohibits the reader from taking your writing seriously.

Best of luck in the future.

-Elinor

Thanks and sorry about the smiley....I just couldn't resist

fixed!

Hello! Tassen Spellbinder here to nit-pick at your poem!
Actually, there's not a lot I have to nit-pick about.

"but I regret all my life mistakes"
-- I would make it "life's", making it possessive.

"I finally meet awaited death..."
-- I think that this line is missing a word somehow. You might wish to consider making it "my awaited death", or possibly "long awaited". Somehow, it just seems awkward to me, though that might be my stylistic bias talking.

A good poem! I like it.

Hey there

Like Elinor and Tassen have said, this was a really nice little poem!

As I take my last breath

I also agree though with Elinor on the fact that, in my opinion, the use of repetition of this line seems to make the poem flow awkwardly. Like Elinor said, you could use it at the beginning of the poem and on the end of the poem.

I think of what I'm leaving,
but I prepare myself for what's to come

I'm not entirely sure why exactly, but I do really like these lines! They seem to flow into each other nicely and they have a nice rhythm.

As I take my last breath,
I reminisce on precious times,
but I regret all my life mistakes.

As I take my last breath,
I think of what I'm leaving,
but I prepare myself for what's to come.

As I take my last breath,
I finally meet awaited death...

As for grammar, everything seems to be pretty much fine! This isn't necessarily needed, but if I were you, I'd put a period on the end of the last lines of each stanza. I've done an example in the quote.

Overall, I did like your poem! It was short and sweet.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thanks GUYS!