Life Is Hard Or Suck

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It's hard to choose friendship and love. - You don't know to pick, cause you may think would hurt them feelings. - It wasn't so easy for me. My mom usually doesn't understand how I am going through. Most people confuses us by vampire, their skin is pale like us, but that's not true, a true vampire skin it has to be pale or not pale, people are just dumb, doesn't know the truth of vampire's skin. I'm the only daughter of Wilson family, my father passes away when I was thirteen year old, he's the only father that understand's what is wrong with my life. Right now, after those five years in pain and loss, I was able to leave it on the past, I have change. My hair is now black and long with a couple of red blood highlight I dye it, my eyes are nature blue, my skin was always, pale. My boobs grow two inches, since like a C cup. My real name is Agnes, and I will tell you a little bit of my past.



In fourth grade, some boy keeps staring at me while I was bored in science class. He asks me if I was a vampire with fangs and everything but I ignore that question, but he keep repeating the same question. I quickly stared at him and raise one eye brown but he looks the other, got scare like I was going to hurt him. In fifth grade, my first crush, with a really cute boy but in that day, I was going to confess my likeness at that boy, maybe we could end up together at Ninth or Tenth grade, but he had already a crush with a pretty girl. The next day, happen again. I decide to tell him now, about my feeling but he had already a crush with the most popular girl in school.



I, somehow, manage to get seven grades. I walk to the hallway until I heard some conversation with some classmate. They quickly look at me with their angry look. They start to say trash stuff at me. Why the said those thing at me, I didn't do nothing bad at them after that . Manage to be in eight grades, I decide that I will not fall in love with some cute boy, who has crush or even better, girlfriend. I was so lonely in Ninth grade until I we have 6 new students. They are emo, but most of them have black hair. When they saw me, they want me to be there friends.



Alexander Bendeth. The funniest guy. He's very pale, brown eyes, black hair, a really good face that all the girls want him and big guy that me. Carl Stevenson, the quiet guy, he doesn't talk too much. He actually doesn't like his name, so we nickname Silent Dude, and somehow, he likes it. His skin is not very pale, black eyes, brown hair, almost round face and a really funny guy, even more funny that Alexander. Aida Kerli, hyper girl. Her hair is like one female from the band of Evanescence. But her skin is not that female. Her eyes are blue with a little dark. Has like the same face of that female of the band. Natalia Lavigne, a gothic girl. She doesn't pay attention to every class, but she is a really friendly with her friend. Her hair is a black, green eye with a little black on it. Her face is like Sakura Haruno from those Japanese cartoons. Candace Cosgrove, the half twin sister of Denise Cosgrove. She doesn't wear glasses, she think that will make her a nerd. Black hair with dark purple highlight, brown eyes and her face like that famousness rocker female from the song "Girlfriend". Denise Cosgrove, she is kinds shy type girl. Half twin sister of Candace. Her hair is a brown, eye brown, her skin is cream. Her face is like that movie of twilight, one female of the vampire, Alice Cullen.



We gradated Ninth grade, and went to Pius XI High School, a private. We somehow survive and gradated Tenth grade. Right now I'm in eleven grade, not really happen in that grade but my life change in that grade.
Last edited by Naydy on Mon Nov 14, 2011 7:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!




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I like that you're telling us things about the main character, but instead of focusing on the history of her life in the first chapter, maybe try telling us one thing at a time. Introduce her life as it is now, and then you can mention the back story later.

This is VERY SHORT! A chapter should be a complete scene, not just a little snippet. I would suggest arranging your story into paragraphs so that it is easy to read, and editing it carefully. There are a number of conflicting verb tenses used.

Also, as the story is right now, you are not showing the reader anything, you are just telling a story about a nameless main character. Give us more information about the main character. What is her name? What is her personality like?

Naydy wrote:I fall in love with a boy in fifth grade but at the end of school, I find out he had a girlfriend.


Grade fives can't fall in love. Maybe the word crush instead.
Also, the sentence is a good example of mis used verb tenses. Maybe try using this sentence instead:

"I had a crush on a boy in fifth grade, but on the last day of school, I found out that he had a girlfriend."

I don't think grade fives have actual "girlfriends" either.

I would suggest that you get some books out from the library, and see how the authors introduce their characters. You want to hook your reader in at the beginning, then you can tell them back story about your characters. But if your beginning doesn't get the reader's attention then they won't want to read on.

I hope this is helpful :)
Let me know if you need clarification on anything I've said.

Also, just a tip, people won't want to review your stories unless they see that you've reviewed other people's stories first.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- There is no sin except stupidity - Oscar Wilde -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-




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I say, my good fellow, you missed something.

In the space where you listed the names of the character's
friends, put a space between each one. See how I did that
with the comma here?




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Hey Naydy!!! I'm wookielover17, but you can call me Wookie. I really liked this piece I thought that you settled her background story very well. And I can't wait to see where the story is going!!! But can I mention that this was more like a prologue than a chapter, but it's still good.

Um, I noticed that your tenses change threw out the sentence and it can get kindda confusing. But don't worry I suck at tenses to (just take a glimpse at my story :lol:) But I really liked it and I hope you keep writing!!!! Post more soon!!!

Good job,
wookielover17
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”




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I decide to re-edit my story. So, check if I have anything wrong.
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!



Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee