Black Rose-ch.1

*** I haven't truly finished my chapter i was just hoping what ya'll would think about the first part of it.


Ch.1

The pounding rain fell over the busy city. Night crawled its way through the streets. The lamps were dimed, and a few flickered. It was cold and chilly that evening on June, 3, 2006. Emily was alone that night locking up her dance studio while trying to hang on to her umbrella in the vicious winds. Her long, blond locks of hair were drenched from the polluted rain. Her boots splashed in large puddles below, while following the sidewalk. No cars were in view, the lights in all the building were out. She squinted in her attempt to see through the thickness of the sheets of rain. In the distance a lamp post light flickered. Hopeful she was heading in the right direction for home, she followed the light.Until a dark figure came into view, Who is that? She asked herself. It leaned up against the lamp post almost watching her, as a lion stalks it’s pray. Her mind told her to stop but her feet kept walking. Every pace towards the dark figure, her heart beats sped up. It became clearer; it was a man in a dark rain cloak. She couldn't’t make out the face but a sudden fear came over her. The hair on her neck stood up. The rain became heavy and beat on her face. She walked by the lamp post hoping he would not turn around or gave a thought to following her. She rest her hand on her neck for comfort. Quickly, she took a glance to see if he was watching or following, and to her horrible luck he was. She could feel his stare bore into her back. Her feet kept a fast, steady past. A turn in the distance looked like a street turn, and hopefully that was her way home at last. Just around the corner she felt she would be safe. She glanced back again and he was there following right behind her. She turned the corner, but to her sudden fear it was an ally way. Tears were ready to flow from her eyes. She stared at the vine covered trash bins and the old, wall structure of the buildings. She walked forward in fear, not knowing whether to hide. When suddenly a hand thrashed her head up against the moldy wall, she held the hand that griped her neck struggling to release its grasp. Her lungs burned in agony for air. He slammed her head against the wall over and over again. She tried to screech in agony of the pain. Blackness faded in with everything, and her breathing became weak. Her head was numb, and she was lost in blackness.

She was gone.

The pounding rain fell over the busy city. Night crawled its way through the streets. The lamps were dimmed, and a few flickered. It was cold and chilly that evening on June,No comma after 'June' 3, 2006. Emily was alone that night locking up her dance studio while trying to hang on to her umbrella in the vicious winds. Her long, blond locks of hair were drenched from the polluted rain. Her boots splashed in large puddles below, while following the sidewalk.
Enter. No cars were in view, andthe lights in all the buildings were out. She squinted in her attempt to see through the thickness of the sheets of rain. I suggest rewording it to 'the thick sheets of rain,' because the way you worded it sounds almost awkward. But keep it if you want. It's your book. In the distance a lamp post light flickered. Hopefully she was heading in the right direction for home. sShe followed the light.U, until a dark figure came into view.
Enter, and italicize the words she thinks.Who is that? Sshe asked herself. It'It' doesn't sound right. How about 'he,' 'she,' or 'the person'? leaned up against the lamp post almost watching her, as a lion stalks it’sits prayprey. Her mind told her to stop but her feet kept walking. Every pace towards the dark figure, her heart beats sped up. It became clearer; it was a man in a dark rain cloak. She couldn't’t make out the face but a sudden fear came over her. The hair on her neck stood up. The rain became heavy and beat You've used beat 'twice' in the last two sentences. It might bother some people, so I'd consider changing it.on her face.
Enter.She walked by the lamp post hoping he would not turn around or give a thought to following her. She rest her hand on her neck for comfort. Quickly, she took a glance to see if he was watching or following, and to her horrible luck he was. She could feel his stare bore into her back. Her feet kept a fast, steady past. A turn in the distance looked like a street turn, and hopefully that was her way home at last. Just around the corner she felt she would be safe. She glanced back again and he was there following right behind her. She turned the corner, but to her sudden fear it was an alley way. Tears were ready to flow from her eyes. She stared at the vine covered trash bins and the old, wall structure of the buildings. She walked forward in fear, not knowing whetheror not to hide. WhenMy suggestion is to take out when and hit enter for a new paragraph starting at 'suddenly.' suddenly a hand thrashed her head up against the moldy wall. She held the hand that griped her neck struggling to release its grasp. Her lungs burned in agony for air. He slammed her head against the wall over and over again. She tried to screech in agony Agony has been used twice in these few sentences.of the pain. Blackness faded in with everything, and her breathing became weak. Her head was numb, and she was lost in blackness.



She was gone.

Very good. I did enjoy this. The death was short and to the point with not a brush of gore. But I do believe this would serve better as a prologue rather than a chapter.

A side note: I only see her name mentioned once. Perhaps replace some of the 'she's with 'Emily's?'

Good work! :}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

thank you! a prologue sounds great to me!

GAWH!!!! GoldenQuill got here before me I wanted to point at things There may be repeats
It was good writing but it would be even better if you let the reader know more about Emily. (personal opinion). Maybe descibe how she was feeling, her fear.

No cars were in view, the lights in all the building were out.

Semicolon instead of comma, please.

In the distance a lamp post light flickered.

You can put a comma after "distance".

Her mind told her to stop but her feet kept walking.

Comma after "stop".

Hopeful she was heading in the right direction for home, she followed the light.

Semicolon after "home".

It leaned up against the lamp post almost watching her, as a lion stalks it’s pray. Her mind told her to stop but her feet kept walking.

"Pray" should be "prey". "it's" should be "its", you're not saying " A lion stalks it is prey."

Every pace towards the dark figure, her heart beats sped up.

The second part of this sentence was a tad bit confusing to me. "her heart beats sped up" Maybe you could put a "-" between "heart" and "beats" or say "her heart beats increased" or "her heart rate sped up".

Quickly, she took a glance to see if he was watching or following, and to her horrible luck he was.

Put a comma after "luck".

She stared at the vine covered trash bins and the old, wall structure of the buildings.

No comma after "old" please.

Okay, it was good but I don't get it. How does this all relate to what you wrote before? Are you starting something completely different and ditching the first chapter you wrote a while back? I quite liked the old one. I fancied it a ton. Please don't biff it!!!

Sorry if I was mean. *smiles shyly*.

-Cressy
PS Shhh... I sneaked on

um.... Crescent i did.

Maybe descibe how she was feeling, her fear.

Very Very good and just as goldenquill stated just fix those things up...but either then tht keep it coming

if u could pls read and review my story