Brock

This little chunk of story has been floating around on my computer for a while. I actually did it as part of The Short Story Event that was going on ages ago. Anyhow, I really like the character Brock in this and was thinking about extending the story but I'm not exactly sure how. I know it's only a tiny piece of writing but I just wanted a few opinions before I continued with it.

I'm quite scared lol I haven't posted in ages, it feels like when I first posted something. I'll just go hide now...

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Brock Idly rolled a rook between his gloved fingers, eyes suspiciously assessing any passer by from under his Stetson. His long worn coat kept the brittle wind out well, even with the multitude of patches and frayed seams. The park was fairly open, only a few trees bordered the paved area that was decked out with tables, chairs and chessboards. It was a perfect place to keep an eye on things, to notice someone out of the ordinary, to see him coming.

Brock paused a moment on a man in a trench coat whose face was obscured. Placing the rook down gently he leant forward hoping to pierce the shadow that cloaked the man’s face. Noting the unwanted attention the man turned to face Brock, visibly shuddered, drew the collar up on the coat and hurried on his way. They all did that, when they felt his eyes upon them.

Sitting back with a sigh, Brock chose another chess piece, a knight, and began to twirl this between his fingers, a nervous twitch some would say. He returned to studying each face that went by, ears straining to snatch conversations out of the morning air. Laughing children passed by on their way to school, business men hurriedly pushed through the crowd, desperate to get somewhere of little importance probably. Brock kept his body tense, waiting.

“Nervous are we?” a voice came from behind him.

Jumping, Brock fumbled the chess piece and watched as it fell from his fingers, bounced once on the paved ground, and rolled away. He cursed as a man came into his peripheral vision, a blur of grey.

“Artemus,” he said through clenched teeth. He hated to be snuck up on but how Artemus loved to do it, to catch him unaware and unguarded.

“Easy now, Brock. Don’t want that temper of yours getting you in trouble, do we?”

Brock didn’t reply but watched Artemus round the table to sit opposite him. He paused half way, bent down and retrieved the fallen knight. Artemus inspected it, smirked, and tossed it behind him. Brock’s hand whipped up and caught the chess piece in the air, without taking his eyes from Artemus’s back. He placed it gently on the table, adjusted his Stetson, and watched his counterparts every move.

Hi there, becki! I'm stopping by to review this, since you gave me the link and everything.

So, I rather like this little piece. While it doesn't have much in the way of a plot, as a kind of sketch it does rather nicely. And while I like my pieces with plots, these little sketches aren't all that bad either. It's like a pencil sketch when compared to a full painting, in my opinion. Both have their merits.

I find Brock to be a semi-interesting character. He seems somewhat cliche to me, but I can't think of quite how that is other than a feeling, so take that with a grain of salt. I do say that you should attempt to flesh this out a bit more. It's got some potential to it. I'd like to know what Brock's history with Artemus is, for one. That seems like a good fleshing out point.

So, a nice effort here. Give me a PM if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi, Becki!

This piece definitely needs extension. It ends abruptly and leaves the reader wondering why we read what we did. Is something else going to happen? Figure out why Brock was waiting and looking for Artemus, and write from there, because that's what WE want to know!

In regards to the writing itself, I think that you need to make it stronger because nothing really happens in these first paragraphs.

Brock Idly rolled a rook between his gloved fingers, eyes suspiciously assessing any passer by from under his Stetson. His long worn coat kept the brittle wind out well, even with the multitude of patches and frayed seams.

For example, this can be rewritten as:

Brock Idly rolled a rook between his fingers, watching every passer-by from under his Stetson. His coat and gloves kept him warm, even though they were patched and frayed.

I mean, I'm sure it can be rewritten even better, but this just shows a way to write it without making the reader wade through things like 'suspiciously assessing' when we could just read 'watched'. The rest of the piece will give us the 'suspiciously' kind of tone, so you don't need to use it here.

Laughing children passed by on their way to school, business men hurriedly pushed through the crowd, desperate to get somewhere of little importance probably.

Another thing I noticed were your attempts to stick the characters' viewpoints into the description. Here, the 'probably' comes from Brock and not from an objective description of the action. Either make more of it this way, or take it out, because you have to be consistent. There is another example of this when Artemus arrives, but I'll let you decide what to do with that.

Overall, it needs to be strengthened, compacted, and then expanded with plot! Let me know if you post anymore or if you have any questions about my review!

-Hannah-