Muddy Water

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I looked out ahead of me, seeing nothing but the road ahead and the grass mosh on either side of it. I felt my heat racing and my feet pounding on the ground, one after the other, in a distinct pattern. I could feel my shoes starting to age but my recent jogging fetish. I turned to view the sun but it was just pasted the edge of the earth. It's getting late, I should turn back so I don't make it home too late. I slowed to a stop.

I bent over to take a breath, then checked my watch. I thought I saw something from the edge of my eye but turned quickly to see nothing. "I better start jogging again before I lose it." I thought to myself. I positioned myself facing the miles I had just ran. Again just a plain wide view of a road and mosh lands. I saw the clouds had gotten darker and thicker since earlier today.

I started to walk gradually quickening my pace. Suddenly something flashed from the corner of my eye. I jumped and turned to face nothing, again. I kept walking while trying to pace myself. I heard thunder faintly roar in the distance. By this time my heart was pounding and I was jumping at every sound I heard. Then I looked at the open land to my left and I saw a figure in the distance.

I squinted to see what looked like a girl in a white dress. I shouted "Hey, are you okay?" She didn't move, she looked like as if she was hunched over something. I started to run out in the mud. The dirt infested water splashed on my legs almost reaching my shorts. I kept my focus on the girl until I stepped in a deep puddle. I glanced down and the muddy water now splattered all over my shorts and white tank top. I looked back up only to see that she was gone.

I stopped in my tracks. I searched around paranoid and confused. I put my hand to my face and brushed back the small strands of hair not put away in my ponytail. I turned around and standing in front of my was the girl. Her white dress drenched in muddy water, her skin a bluish tint, and her red hair darkened by the dirt and water in it. My jaw dropped in disbelief. "Are you okay?" I interrogated, wondering who she was and why she was here. Her bitter blank stare was bone chilling.

Before I could ask anything else, she grabbed my arm and in a flash I was in some kind of building, like a barn. I looked around in shock not knowing what was going on. Was I in a dream? Where am I? Where did the girl go? The barn I was in had stalls with no animals in them. The ground under my feet was still soggy and wet. I looked around for a moment before I heard a girl giggling. I glanced over at the girl with red hair prancing around a guy.

The guy had boyish good looks with green eyes and black hair. He smiled when she looked at him but had a look of uncertainty then she was turned away. She was talking to him saying she's so happy to have him. He just smiled his straight white teeth and said, "Yeah." Only a girl head over heels for him couldn't see that he didn't feel the same.

The girl leaned against one of the wooden posts holding the rugged barn up. "So what shall we do now?" she asked him with a mischievous grin on her face. He embraced her in an unsure manner.

"Well.." he quickly surveyed the room, "there's a storage room under the floor." He pointed to the small metal barred door on the mud covered wood floor. "We could have some time to ourselves under there." He said returning a fake mischievous smile.

"Okay." She said with the widest smile. He went over to the door and opened it for her. She looked down the whole, "It's really dark." She said unsure.

"It's okay I'm here." He said with another fake smile on his face. She climbed down the rusty metal latter. She stopped half way, "Aren't you coming?" she said looking up at him though the square of light the door way created.

"Well check if there's a light down there some where, if there isn't I'll go get a flashlight from the car." He reassured her.

"Oh okay." She continued down the latter and until she could see the bottom right under her feet. She jumped to the bottom expecting solid ground. She heard a splash and looked down. "Babe! There's water like ankle deep down here!" She whinnied. Respecting a respond from the boy she heard a slam and a click. The light disappeared. She yipped.

The boy secured the lock on the door and he checked the weather application on his phone. Flood Warning. Then he dialed a number and put the phone to his ear. He waited for an answer, "Hello?" Answered a mysterious voice.

"I did it, and there's still a flood warning. What now?"

"Okay, wait till it rains a lot later this evening and call the police station to report a missing person."

"Well what if they find her?"

"She'll be dead by then."

"Okay." The boy hung up and checked his watch.

The girl started back up the latter. "Babe? I think you shut the door on me!" She didn't yell too loud thinking he went back to the car to get a flashlight. She reached the top and hit the door a couple times. She realized the wood part of the door was rotten and loose. She slammed her fist through the bars and against the wood. The wood collapsed and fell in the whole. A piece of it hit her head, she fell to the bottom and passed out.

The girl woke up looking into the light from the door way. She struggled realizing she was floating in water. The muddy ankle deep water had turned into murky water up to her shoulder. She was freezing and wondered how long she'd been there. She climbed up the latter and looked through the barred door. She saw the ceiling where above the camber had been broken and rain was pouring in. She saw the boy walking away. She yelled and reached for him but he just kept walking. "I love you!" She shouted. He stopped, glanced back in gilt but continued on.

The rain continued to pour in the chamber the water kept getting deeper and deeper. She cried weeped and sobbed until the water over flowed the chamber.

In a flash I was back in the field. The girl was gone and it was dark and raining. I looked around, there was no sign that anyone was here besides me. So foot steps, no nothing. I wasn't sure what just happened, but I walked back to the road and continued on home.
*Saint*Syn*




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wooooo nice story, kinda creepy. Okay so you made a couple of mistakes and I will (apologetically) point them out.

I stopped in my tracks. I searched around paranoid and confused. I put my hand to my face and brushed back the small strands of hair not put away in my ponytail. I turned around and standing in front of my was the girl. Her white dress drenched in muddy water, her skin a bluish tint, and her red hair darkened by the dirt and water in it. My jaw dropped in disbelief. "Are you okay?" I interrogated, wondering who she was and why she was here. Her bitter blank stare was bone chilling.


I think you meant "my" to be "me".

Before I could ask anything else, she grabbed my arm and in a flash I was in some kind of building, like a barn.


Maybe instead of saying "I was in some kind of building, like a barn." Just say, "I was in a barn" or "a building that appears to be a barn." I don't know, the sentence seemed awkward.

"Okay." She said with the widest smile. He went over to the door and opened it for her. She looked down the whole, "It's really dark." She said unsure.


The wood collapsed and fell in the whole.


"whole" to "hole".

Respecting a respond from the boy she heard a slam and a click.


Did you mean "expecting a response from the boy..."?

She climbed up the latter and looked through the barred door. She saw the ceiling where above the camber had been broken and rain was pouring in. She saw the boy walking away. She yelled and reached for him but he just kept walking. "I love you!" She shouted. He stopped, glanced back in gilt but continued on.


You may have meant ladder instead of latter.
What's a camber? I don't know if that's an actual word, but if not did you mean chamber?
Gilt to guilt.

Other than that, the story was pretty good. But I'm a little unsure about the ending. How you just seemed to dismiss the whole incident as unimportant, like you weren't affected by it at all. I guess the ending could use a little work.

Keep up the good work!
Any man can handle adversity, to test a man's character give him power - Abraham Lincoln

To be the greatest is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark. - ?




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Hello!

Welcome to YWS! This is a pretty good story. I like your pace. Well, so here are my nitpicks, besides what kaiden has written.
I could feel my shoes starting to age butdue to my recent jogging fetish.
I think you meant due to/ by here.

The dirt infested water splashed on my legs almost reaching my shorts. I kept my focus on the girl until I stepped in a deep puddle. I glanced down and the muddy water now splattered all over my shorts and white tank top. I looked back up only to see that she was gone.

Here, in the first sentence you should replace 'mud infested water' with muddy water as infested doesn't sound appropriate here. In the last sentence to avoid repetition of muddy water, say something like:
I glanced down at my shorts and white tank-top now splattered with translucent brown.

I started to walk, gradually quickening my pace.
Commas, dear. :)

"I did it, and there's still a flood warning. What now?"

"Okay, wait till it rains a lot later this evening and call the police station to report a missing person."

"Well what if they find her?"

"She'll be dead by then."

"Okay." The boy hung up and checked his watch.

Here, from your MC's point of view, the entire conversation shouldn't be heard. Show only a one-sided conversation. It'll definitely make your story better.

The muddy, ankle deep water had turned into murky water and was rising up to her shoulder.
It sounds much better this way.

Overall: Good work. I like the mysterious air to it. You seem to miss a few commas, do take care. Keep writing. :)
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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wow guys thanks for the comments, I never actually reread the stuff I write so I should probably do that huh? lol
*Saint*Syn*



See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451