fantasy

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hey guys this is my 1st post.please help me to make it better.feel free to point out my mistakes...!!! :)


THE TWO IN THE TWILIGHT.
David was standing almost at the brink of the cliff capturing pictures of the massive mountains underneath which were flowing many rivers. The horizon was adored with the shades of blue and orange, and was further beautified by the brightly coloured kingfishers in the order of cuculiformes taking a steady flight and a gentle dip in the air. The breeze was chilling and bore an odour as if some sweet cologne was sprayed in the ambiance.
Clifford was resting on his behind under the cone shaped tree a few yards away from David. David was retracing his steps back to the tree when he feast his eyes upon Clifford and desisted to walk for a moment .He was so immensely immersed in watching Clifford’s sullen movement of the hand on the blank piece of paper. He continued to stroll towards Clifford and sat on a rock just beside him, struck by his quality of being ambidextrous, David interrupted and said, "it’s a masterpiece , you should sell it, you will get a good sum for this one in exchange."Giving it a finishing touch Clifford replied" they don’t pay a satiating amount to break the ice. We will wait for the foreigners’ to visit our country, Japan, they are the true lovers of art. You can produce your photographs and I can present my art.""Hmmm not a bad idea. But I think we should return to the dockyard now , shugo must be waiting for us. "Retaliated David.
David and Clifford worked at the shipyard. David belonged to the aristocrat class of the society .Clifford could never figure out the ulterior motive of David working at the shipyard. Whenever Clifford would question David regarding this , he would change the focus or would simply retaliate by uttering just three words "interest in marine."David was immensely engrossed in photography and had earned fame for his skills of photography in the province of Kwachi. He normally clicked pictures of the nature in such a way that no element of the nature would be missing in the photo. He would choose an appropriate position to click the picture, generally a cliff at the highest level, and then would glance through the rectilinear lens for hours to click an excellent shot. I think we should take the trail through the woods, though it’s a bit petrifying during the sundown but it’s the shortest way back to the dock, said David. Clifford was of the same mind and consequently both started to stroll towards the woods and through. The trail through the woods was much tapered and around the tapered way was really tall grasses in which all sorts of flora and fauna dwell-ed. “You think the dock master Kushiro will increase our pay by a yen(currency) or two this year, I mean this year our work was way more impressive than the others in our slot, we made three floating yacht and lended a helping hand in completing one vessels construction” said Clifford. “I completely concur with your thoughts, this summer we have put in all our labors and have brought remarkable extemporization in the floating yachts. But I think that won’t be enough to amaze him, after all he is so old school kind.” David with a somber countenance said “may be your right.”
Their sluggish stroll or more appropriately their sauntering along the tapered path through the woods was still in process. It was beginning to grow quite dull as it was almost pass sundown.




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Hey Jaimini, i'm Madz, and I will be your reviewer for today.

I'm going to nitpick this alot, because although it has potential plotwise, the grammar is awful. I'm sorry, but I had to say this.

David was standing almost at the brink of the cliff capturing pictures of the massive mountains underneath which were flowing many rivers.

As I say to many people here on YWS, don't be afraid of your full stops and commas. A rush of words in a sentence all at once is worse then breaking your description up. Try something like this:

David was standing, almost at the brink of the cliff, capturing pictures of the massive mountains underneath. These majestic hills were decorated with flowing rivers.

The horizon was adored with the shades of blue and orange, and was further beautified by the brightly coloured kingfishers in the order of cuculiformes taking a steady flight and a gentle dip in the air.


It's adorned, not adored.
Cuculiformes is not an appropiate word here, mainly because of its complexity. Not many people know what this word means, so get rid of it and the words surrounding.

"taking a steady flight and a gentle dip in the air."
Try: by the brightly coloured kingfighers taking a steady flight through the currents, every so often dipping gently.

Clifford was resting on his behind under the cone shaped tree

"Clifford was seated under the cone shaped tree" Is fine here.

feast his eyes upon Clifford and desisted to walk for a moment


"feasted" (past tense) and desist is the wrong verb in this sentence. "his eyes upon Clifford. He suddenly forgot his desire to walk for a brief moment." Would be more appropiate.

He was so immensely immersed in watching Clifford’s sullen movement of the hand on the blank piece of paper.


"Immensely immersed" doesn't sound right. Even "greatly immersed" sounds better.

These sentences also require you to add something on the end. The "so" proves that. So if you can't add anything on the end of this sentence, reword it to:

David was greatly immersed in watching Clifford's sullen movements of his hand against the paper.

David interrupted and said, "it’s a masterpiece , you should sell it, you will get a good sum for this one in exchange."Giving it a finishing touch Clifford replied" they don’t pay a satiating amount to break the ice. We will wait for the foreigners’ to visit our country, Japan, they are the true lovers of art. You can produce your photographs and I can present my art.""Hmmm not a bad idea. But I think we should return to the dockyard now , shugo must be waiting for us. "Retaliated David.


The speech in this paragraph is so unbelievably awkard! When someone finishes speaking and a new character begins, it requires a new line. You ALWAYS put a capital at the beginning of a character's speech. It is also better if you put little descriptions in between bits of dialogue, like "David scratched behind his ears. 'blahblahblah etc.' " See?

I will reword this for you:
David interrupted Clifford's actions and said, "It’s a masterpiece, you should sell it. You'd probably get a good sum for this one in exchange."
Giving his work a finishing touch with the (paintbrush? is he painting?) Clifford replied "They don’t pay a satisfying amount to break the ice. We will wait for the foreigners to visit our country, Japan, for they are the true lovers of art. You can produce your photographs, and I can present my art."
"Hmmm not a bad idea. But I think we should return to the dockyard now, Shugo must be waiting for us," said David, shrugging.

David and Clifford worked at the shipyard.

*work

Whenever Clifford would question David regarding this , he would change the focus or would simply retaliate by uttering just three words "interest in marine".


Get rid of the space " , "
"Focus" isn't the word here. "Subject" is.
Reverse the full stop AFTER the talking marks because the person did not say those words just then.

I think we should take the trail through the woods, though it’s a bit petrifying during the sundown but it’s the shortest way back to the dock, said David.


You forgot the talking marks. Try this:
"I think we should take the trail through the woods. It’s a bit petrifying during the sundown, though, but it’s the shortest way back to the dock." said David.

Clifford was of the same mind and consequently both started to stroll towards the woods and through.


"Consequently they both"
"And though" is not needed.

The trail through the woods was much tapered and around the tapered way was really tall grasses in which all sorts of flora and fauna dwell-ed.

Again, don't be afraid to use full stop. Try:

"The trail through the woods was much tapered. Around the path's edges was an array of tall grasses in which all sorts of flora and fauna dwelled."

“You think the dock master Kushiro will increase our pay by a yen(currency) or two this year, I mean this year our work was way more impressive than the others in our slot, we made three floating yacht and lended a helping hand in completing one vessels construction” said Clifford. “I completely concur with your thoughts, this summer we have put in all our labors and have brought remarkable extemporization in the floating yachts. But I think that won’t be enough to amaze him, after all he is so old school kind.” David with a somber countenance said “may be your right.”


Again, awkard speech. I will fix it for you:
“You would think the dock master Kushiro will increase our pay by a yen or two this year. I mean, this year our work was way more impressive than the others in our slot, we made three floating yachts and we lended a helping hand in completing one vessel's construction” said Clifford.
“I completely concur with your thoughts, Clifford. This summer we have put in all our labors and have brought remarkable extemporization in the floating yachts." David responded.
“But I think that won’t be enough to amaze him, after all, he is those old school kind.” David, with a somber countenance, said “Hmm, maybe you're right.”

(Honestly, here I think for two adult males speaking, they sound like a bunch of intelligent teen girls gossiping. I would seriously consider revising what they say.)

Their sluggish stroll or more appropriately their sauntering along the tapered path through the woods was still in process.


Here you need to add a comma after "stroll" and "appropriately".


My Thoughts:

First of all, can I say I love your description. Your words are great, but your main problem IS YOUR GRAMMAR. This story would have so much potential if you could stick to the grammar rules of english. This piece for me was engaging, but you need to remember the tone of your characters. If I had not known both were male, I would guess they were teenage girls with an amazing volcaburary. Research and observe the way men that age typically act and present themselves, otherwise the characters become unbelievable and your story will crumble.

Sorry about the harshness of this review, I do realise I probably sounded mean. :S But it's for the best, dear.

-Madz
Last edited by Maddy on Tue Mar 09, 2010 5:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey,

First of all, proper dialogue punctuation is key in a piece that does have dialogue. It's very, very easy and once you get the hang of it, do it by habit.

"Hi," Anna said. -> small "she"
"What?" Anna asked. -> small "she"
"Hi!" Anna yelled. -> small "she"
"Hi." She turned away. -> capitalized.

Whenever a new person speaks, there's usually an enter behind the new dialogue. This would certaintly take care of that one before last, terribly bulky, visually offensive paragraph. It's horrible! Why is it so big? Smaller is cuter.

The paragraph is also purple. No, I mean it: "ambidextrous"? "Extemporization"? Poor me doesn't even know what that means! Truly! And I had to Google "cuculiformes". I don't know where you're going with these words, but they amount to one thing: purple prose. And that's not good. Some slack is in order, not cuculiformes. Try using the original word before the thesaurus entry under it, because that's what it seems like to me.

Clifford and David are our characters - and David's response as to why he's in the dockyard was fantastic :) So, clear up the dialogue and kill the purple.


Welcome to YWS,
Esme




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Hey there Jaimini

Esme pointed out your dialogue, and to reinforce what she said check out this article here that a YWS member wrote on dialogue. It is very good, and will definitely put you on the right path of dialogue.

Also, whenever a new person speaks you should start a new paragraph. It cleans things up and reduces a lot of confusion.

Now, onto other things.

We will wait for the foreigners’ to visit our country, Japan, they are the true lovers of art.

This is strange for him to say. If I was talking about my country I would just say 'my country'. I know what my country is, so there is no need for me to say it as it would be redundant. Same thing here. It is redundant for him to say Japan after 'our country' because both of these people are from Japan and should know that Japan is their country. If you need to establish that they are in Japan, do it differently.

You think the dock master Kushiro will increase our pay by a yen(currency) or two this year

It isnt necessary to state that yen is the currency in Japan. Many people will already know this, and if they don't then they can google it and figure it out. Also, as you use the term 'pay' then it is assumed that yen is currency or some other item that is acceptable as payment. Have a little faith in the intelligence of the reader ;)

One last thing: wow you have long paragraphs. Consistently long paragraphs can be intimidating to a reader. Even if paragraphs like these can maybe sneak by the length issue on a word document, printed pages in a book are often not the same size as a printed page from your computer.

Also, when you start to get paragraphs really long like this it can get easier to lose the reader. Shaping up your dialogue will help break up some of these long paragraphs, and might completely take care of it. But don't be afraid to start a new paragraph. In writing, the general "5-6 sentences makes a paragraph" rule doesn't apply.

I think this could be quite good after a bit of editing. Feel free to PM me with any questions you might have, or if you get a new edited version of this up. I'd be happy to take a look at it again. :)

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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I won't beat a dead horse here and talk about the grammar. Instead, I'll look at two other issues: dialogue and character.

So far, I haven't really learned much about these characters except what the text tells me. The idea is to show. Show that this David is rich (maybe with his clothes or attitude) instead of just saying it. Also, try to capture their emotions some. If something one says annoys the other, have them scowl or twitch their lip. Right now it seems like two taxidermed penguins are talking to each other.

The other is dialogue. Maddy has already pointed out the problems with grammar, so I'll focus on something else.

“I completely concur with your thoughts, this summer we have put in all our labors and have brought remarkable extemporization in the floating yachts

The person saying this is a dockworker. Not the most educated type.

Esme said that the readers wouldn't likely know what "extemporization" means. Neither would the person saying it. You have to make sure that your dialogue is natural to the person saying it.

Here's an article I wrote on the subject.
topic57021.html

Using big words does not make you seem smart.

Also, this stuck out to me as odd.
“You think the dock master Kushiro will increase our pay by a yen(currency) or two this year,


A yen is 0.011066 dollars. That's about 1.1 cents. A pay increase of "a yen or two" is nothing.
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