Hey guys. I wrote this a while ago and I'm still thinking I need some more feedback, particularly on what you think of the P.O.V switches, and also how realistic the dialogue sounds. I'll happily return any critiques. I know this is a long piece. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Basra, Iraq, 1975
Mariam
Dusk.
Dark purple clouds were beginning to edge their way in around the fiery orange sky. The sun had nearly set, and the river below the hill grew dark in the expanding shadows. I could see stars beginning to appear on the dark side of the horizon.
Maghrib.
People said this was the time of day when the jinn and devils would come out to play with our minds. I didn't believe in any of that. These were just cultural superstitions from an older, more paranoid generation. I continued to walk down the deserted road that stretched out along the side of the river. I took my time, being in no rush to come home from a long, monotonous day at school only to have Mamma make me do chores for the rest of the night.
My sandals scuffed against the ground as I walked. The sweat that had already formed on my face began to seep down my temples. Regardless of the time of day, it was still scorching hot. I crossed the road and went down the valley to the side of the river so I could cool off. I crouched down next to the water and dipped my hands in it. The reeds brushed against my arms like soft bird feathers when I parted them. I lifted a handful of water to my lips and drank it, then splashed another onto my face and let it wash away the sweat on my skin. The water trickled down my neck, dampening my shawl and my shirt. I wiped my face and stood up to go on my way, but stopped when I caught sight of something unusual.
Looking ahead to where the hill ascended beyond the river, I spotted a dark figure hunched over in the middle of the bridge. It was cloaked in black, distinct against the dim orange hue of the setting sun, but at the same time it seemed to blend in with the shadows formed by the dark clouds above. I couldn't tell what it was, but the way it was sitting reminded me of a woman nursing a child; it cradled its arms to its chest, but from this distance I couldn't tell if it was actually holding anything. The figure faced me with its head down. As I watched it, gazing ominously and unnaturally still over the water, another image came to mind. Kirighul. Gargoyle.
The sound of the rushing water turned into a shimmering chime. The wind rose beneath me, lifting my shawl from my head and carrying it in the opposite direction. I was so mesmerized by the thing above me that I didn't even notice. The dark figure drew me forward with a force I could not fight against. I stepped into the cool river, parting the reeds all the way.
* * *
Zohair
I dribbled the ball between my bare feet, the sand kicking up every time my foot hit the ground. My hair was drenched through with sweat from the sweltering heat of the desert and the rigorous exertion of playing soccer with the neighborhood boys.
"Higher, Zohair! Kick it higher! Over here!"
I kicked the ball to the left. I meant to kick it lightly, but somehow the ball went sailing high into the air. We all stopped and watched it soar into the sky and descend beyond the hill, disappearing. The others looked at me meaningfully. I grimaced. Whoever kicked it had to retrieve it. Those were the rules.
I wiped the sweat off my face and ran up the side of the hill. When I reached the top I looked around for where the ball had gone to and spotted it rolling down the road below, heading towards the river next to it. I broke down the valley, and crossed the deserted road. I reached the ball before it rolled into the reeds and kicked it up, catching it in my hands.
I turned to go back to the game, but felt something softly brushing at my legs. I looked down. A shawl was caught between my legs, fluttering in the wind. I kneeled down and picked it up. It was long, black, and plain; it could have belonged to anyone.
And then something caught my eye in the river. I looked up and saw it drifting in the water, just underneath the bridge. Curious, I walked along the side of the river to get a better look. As I came closer towards the bridge, I realized it wasn't something but someone.
"Hello!" I shouted. "Are you all right?"
The person - a girl I now recognized as Mariam - continued to float motionlessly in the water. That was when I realized she was unconscious.
"Zohair! What's taking so long? We're all waiting!"
I looked over my shoulder and saw my younger brother Sami coming down the valley.
"Get Khala Aminah!" I yelled
He stopped and looked at me with alarm, then looked at the river. His eyes widened.
"Go now!"
I didn't wait for him to follow my orders. I took off my shirt and dove into the water.
* * *
Shais
"Where is she? It's past maghrib! Doesn't she know this is when the jinn come out?"
Mamma paced over to the window and threw the curtains apart, glaring outside. Dusk had already painted the sky with its dark colors, and my sister still wasn't home. But I wasn't as anxious about it as about it as Mamma was. I sipped my chai patiently and turned to her from where I sat in front of the T.V.
"I doubt it's the jinn keeping Mariam from coming home, Mamma. More likely it's the chores you have lined up for her."
"And at this rate she'll never be home on time to finish them." She turned away from the window with a heavy sigh. Despite her words, I knew what she was really worried about. I rolled my eyes.
"She's fine," I assured her. "She's been late before."
"Never this late."
There was a loud, frantic knock on the door. I set my chai down.
"See? That's probably her."
I stood up and walked over to the door. Expecting Mariam, I was surprised when I opened it to find Sami, one of the dirty neighbor boys, standing there sweating and panting. Personally, I had never liked Sami, but no where near as much as I disliked his older brother, Zohair. When I spoke, it was with intended bitterness.
"What do you want?"
"Mariam fell in the river!"
I heard Mamma gasp. I didn't believe him right away, but the terrified look in his eyes told me he wasn't lying.
"The river? What took her to the river?"
"I don't know. But you have to come now!"
I put on my sandals and followed him out the door.
* * *
Zohair
When I'd fished Mariam out of the water, I didn't know what to do besides hit her on the back repeatedly. A few moments later she started coughing out water, so I stopped and laid her back down, brushing her wet black hair off her face. Her eyelids fluttered apart, and she stared at the darkening sky for a moment before her gaze moved to mine. Her dark, mahogony-tinted eyes searched over my face.
"Zohair?"
"Are you all right?"
She didn't seem to hear my question. "I think I saw--"
"Mariam!"
We looked up ahead. Sami was running down the hill with Shais, Mariam's older brother, behind him, along with Khala Aminah. Shais came right up to me and ripped me away from Mariam, tossing me aside like a ragdoll. I landed in a nearby puddle of mud. Khala Aminah dropped to her knees and started wailing, even though Mariam was visibly fine.
"Stupid girl! What took you to the water! What took you!"
Shais sat Mariam up.
"Zohair..." she mumbled.
Her brother turned to me with a vicious glare. He threw Mariam in Aminah's arms and came over to me, picking me up off the ground by my hair. I cried out in pain.
"Did you push her into the water, you jackass?"
Before I could answer, a rock sailed over and hit Shais in the head. He grunted, but didn't drop me. He looked down at the rock, then turned to see who had thrown it.
Sami was standing by Khala Aminah and Mariam, his nostrils flaring.
"He pulled her out of the water, you fool."
Shais stared at him, then turned back to me. He looked me up and down for a moment, then let go of my hair. The look of disdain never left his face.
"Both of you go home now," he muttered, walking back to Aminah and Mariam. He took his sister out of Aminah's arms and picked her up. They began walking back up the hill.
Sami came to stand next to me, looking very angry for a seven-year-old. I wasn't surprised by Shais' behavior. He'd always hated us. He believed we came from an inferior family of pickpockets and thieves - which was true, but only to an extent.
As they ascended up the valley, Mariam peered over Shais' shoulder and looked at me. Our eyes locked. She smiled. I smiled back, gripping her shawl tighter in my hands.
* * *
