"One will remain" edited some

"Please don't leave me," Jessie begged, the handcuffs restricting her to the small corner that smelled of mildew and stagnant water. Her faceless captor laughed mercilessly before the door clanged shut. Tears streamed down her face.
"Quit being a baby," one of her nameless cellmates ordered.
"Alexa stop,I remember when you used to cry yourself to sleep," a boy about her age reminded the older girl.
"If you remember correctly I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you," Alexa snapped.
"I'm sorry," Jessie whispered as she stiffly shuffled to his side. He shrugged but winced when the scabs on his back cracked open.
"Jessie," she introduced herself.
"Brian," he offered before the door oped blinding her with the unusually bright light of day.
"Let me take care of your back," Stella suggested sweetly before placing a tray of food on the cold floor. Brian looked at her uncertainly...
"NO!" a voice across the room cried out in warning.
[*][*][*]
“Jessie!” Jeff, her best friend screamed when he saw here enter his mansion.
“It’s my eighteenth birthday,” Jeff replied.
“I guess you’re right,” Jessie admitted.
“This party’s been a bust so far,” Jeff said with a frown.
“What’s the matter?” Jessie asked her green eyes focused on him.
“Lauri still isn’t here and my parents couldn’t make it in time for my party tomorrow,” Jeff responded. Jessie hugged him…
“I’ll be right back,” she offered before she went inside and grabbed the picture of his girlfriend Lauri and his parents off the mantle.
“They’re here now,” Jessie said when she returned. He laughed glad he had her as a best friend. A rude whistle ruined the moment…
“Look at you,” Nathan said the beer slurring his words. Jessie snorted.

“Dumping him was the smartest thing I ever did,” Jessie mused.

Jeff looped his arm around hers and escorted her inside.
“Are you okay?” he questioned. Jessie nodded.
“I’m going back outside to get my picture,” he offered and pushed his way through the crowded room. Regy Vixks appeared out of nowhere and asked her to dance.
“What are you doing with my girl?” Nathan demanded in a drunken rage.
“I’m not you’re girl,” Jessie screamed just as ‘Love Don’t Live Here’ by Lady Antebellum started blaring from the speakers across the room. Jessie walked away and headed back outside to see if she could find Jeff so he wouldn’t worry about her.
As she moved to the dark side of the house a hand clapped over her mouth and she faintly heard a voice screaming her name then nothing…

Bailey looked defiantly into Stella's eyes knowing her kind of help would only make things worse. Her lips pulled back to reveal a rotten cavity-filled smile. Stella carefully approached her ready to punish Bailey for interfering. Her eyes squeezed shut in anticipation of the blow to her face that would surely come, but it didn't...
When her eyes reopened she saw Stella on the floor unconscious and bleeding with her ex-best friend Damien standing above her ready to strike if she moved.
"Damien," Bailey whispered unable to trust what her eyes were showing her.
"It's me,"he assured her with a warm smile that reminded her of her life before she was kidnapped...




Alexa stared at Damien in awe of his strenght and bravery.
"Who are you?" Alexa questioned

'ello, 'ello... What 'ave we 'ere?

I like the dialogue in this piece. It feels nice and solid and real.

A bit confused by the characters though. It seems like you're skipping around across the board in the character's heads. If you are going to change the point of view from one character to another, it's a good idea to put some sort of divider in, so that the reader understands there has been a change.

ex.
Marie's knuckles ached as she clung to the gun. Her finger tensed against the trigger, wanting to pull back, afraid of what it might do.
* * *
Jack smiled as he faced down the gun barrel.
"We can work this out, darling," he said in his sincerest soothing voice. He could see her arm trembling.

See how the little divider made it easier to tell whose head we were in quickly? It lets the reader know the change has occurred. As is, the jumping around makes it a little confusing.

You introduce a lot of characters very quickly and with only their names, we have little go on. Take the time to slow down and introduce each character in relation to the others. They don't have to know one another, but even knowing just where they are sitting in reference to the others can actually make it easier to tell one from the other.

Also, the title is a bit weird. I'd either consistently use capitalization, remove the quotes, or just shorten it into something a little simpler.

This is a nice hook though. I'm interested in finding out how all of these characters ended up here and why.

Keep on going! I want to see what you will do with this!

~GryphonFledgling

Hey L5na!


Well, this is good, especially the dialogue. But I do agree with almost everything Gryph said.

You'll need to work on your description and though, I get that you're switching POVs, it's all a little too fast for me. Right now, I just remember a bunch of names and things happening. You need to take time to let the reader connect with your MC(s) before switching POV or atleast explain a little of the situation.

One little error, :

"Please don't leave me," Jessie begged,( the lack of comma gives the view of her begging the handcuffs which surprised me at first.) the handcuffs restricting her to the small corner that smelled of mildew and stagnant water.

Well, I'm really hooked by this. I want to see where this will lead. Keep writing.

Cheers,
~Lava