Elyss in Everland

I had no Idea where to put this because it's a fantasy and a twisted fairy tale.

Elyss in Everland

In the 1700's doors to nowhere weren't supposed to exist. They weren't supposed to and according to Elyss Monrow's mother they were a stock pile of rubbish. So when Elyss found a normal looking door in the back of her mother's cellar she let her imagination take over.
Elyss slowly grabbed the rust covered door handle and pulled the door around. Elyss expected to just a wall, but instead a dark void opened up in front of her. Feeling as if she were just dreaming she stepped through. There was a dark flash of light. The cellar disappeared and was replaced with broad daylight.
Everland, a place of wonder, hope, joy, and magic. If you were a traveler traveling towards the border, you'll find a giant pine forest, that twinkles endlessly with morning dew, called the Rim. Great, majestic beast roam freely there amidst the dense growth of trees.
Traveling along you'll come across the Wall, a vast circle of jagged mountains. Only a few known paths will guarantee you safe passage. The Rim climbs as far as can into the wall providing homes for the mountains inhabitants, not all are animals.
As you exit the harsh terrain of the Wall, you'll come to a extensive of farmland. Here foxes, snakes, mice, and all sorts of other little creatures coexist with the farmers of the land. Of course the food is fairly traded, Queen Alice made sure of that.
As you pass through the farmland, you'll finally reach the gleaming Capitol, a very busy, technologically advanced city. Here Queen Alice carries out her duty as queen. To Elyss, if she had the chance to see the whole city, she would have thought it looked very much like London.
Outside of Everland the map ends and so beings the unmapped territory. The only people who have ever survived a day in the Beyond have come back only to die the next day.
This picture of Everland was battered, torn, and smashed three times over when Queen Alice died and Queen Black came into view. With Queen Alice's dying breath she began to speak.
"I have chosen," her voice was raspy, broken," my successor. His name is He--" She never finished her sentence. Lost and grieving the council elected Black, who claimed to be Alice's sister. They never realized how evil she was.
Stepping into Everland Elyss had no idea of this or anything about Everland. Having never been a child of luck she landed right in front of Black's Cardsoldiers. Screaming, she turned and ran down the first street she saw. Feet flying she ran blindly down the street. Elyss felt someone grab her hand and drag her into a alleyway. Elyss shut her eyes tighter.
"Take me home. Take me home. It's just a dream!" She whimpered. A boy, older than Elyss towered over her.
"Open your eyes," he said,"everything is fine." Elyss opened her eyes, saw the boy, and shut them again.
"Relax. I am Henry. I know how to get you home." Henry didn't like lying. He knew there was no way back because he had come through a door, too. He just needed a partner in the Game.
The Game is a game devised by Queen Black. In the Game you play Queen Black for her scepter. If you win, your the King or Queen. If you lose, you die.
"You do?!" Elyss exclaimed. She opened her eyes.
"Yes," Henry chose his words carefully. He knew it was foolish to let someone younger than him participate in the games," but to do that you must play a game to win the scepter. Will you?" Elyss stood.
"If it means going home or waking from this dream I will." She said with determination. Henry grabbed her wrist and dragged her out on to the street. Elyss twisted and writhed in his strong grasp.
"Queen Black," He shouted skyward," we accept your challenge!" There was a flash of black light and the next thing they knew they were in a long stone corridor . A black scepter lay on the ground, at the end of the corridor, like a useless piece of wood.
"The scepter!" Henry gasped. Without a word Elyss charged forward.
"Elyss, no!" Before Henry could stop her, a bolt of black lightning flew pass his head and hit Elyss. She fell to the floor. Henry was sure she was dead. Staring at her pale, lifeless body, Henry felt a stab of anger. Henry screamed at the Queen. Black was never fit to rule. He turned on his heel and was met with a gruesome sight.
Her face was pale, her eyes bottomless black pits. Her hair formed a witch's hat, right down to the very last point. Her dress was nothing but black spikes of cloth. Everything about her was sharp and to a point, right down to the last tooth.
There was a explosion of black and Queen Black disappeared. Henry wheeled around just as Queen Black appeared. At that moment the Queen made a fatal mistake; she flickered.
"You're not the real Queen!" Henry realized. The queen quickly wiped the stricken look off of her face. Henry charged forward. His fear, anger, and admiration for Elyss pushed him, drove him to the finish, to the scepter.
Henry jumped to the right as another lightning bolt slammed into the ground, inches from where he had been. The closer Henry got the more lightning bolts he had to dodge. With a final cry of desperation, Henry leaped through the queen. Behind him she disappeared in a poof of smoke. Henry hit the ground running. Feet away a wall of fire roared to life. Henry threw himself into the fire and emerged rolling with nothing but minor burns. Henry grasped the scepter and rose, now King Henry. With a sound that only Everland metal could make the black, withered scepter turned to silver.

Epilogue
King Henry soon nursed the Kingdom back to health with the help of his wife Alyss. They soon had a daughter, named Elyss. King Henry went on to write a book, called Alice in Everland, based on Queen Alice's life.
One day Henry became so frustrated with the book that he lifted it by it's binding and threw it against the wall. As if by magic, a door appeared, swung open and the book sailed through. As soon as it disappeared into the silver, the door slammed shut with a bang, and vanished never to be seen by Henry again.
Meanwhile the book found it's way into the hands of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, also known as Lewis Carroll, the person we know as the author of Alice in Wonderland.

Yo, thank you for the story. Here is my half-farthing, haha

In the 1700's doors to nowhere weren't supposed to exist. - A first half of a potentialy good sentence. Left thus it hangs awkwardly. I suggest you pair to either something like 'it being an age of reason', or 'but they did' or something.

Elyss expected to just a wall, but instead a dark void opened up in front of her. Feeling as if she were just dreaming she stepped through.- This happens too fast. You need about two more sentences between these two, to make this scene work.

As you pass through the farmland, you'll finally reach the gleaming Capitol, a very busy, technologically advanced city - unless you tell us, or illustrate what 'technologically advanced' means in this place, this is a sentence which does not serve any function

Outside of Everland the map ends and so beings the unmapped territory. The only people who have ever survived a day in the Beyond have come back only to die the next day.- again, it would be nice to know what the author means. Did they have fever? Were they mad? Or katatonic? Or covered in wounds? Or burning hot? Or freizing cold?

Stepping into Everland Elyss had no idea of this or anything about Everland. Having never been a child of luck she landed right in front of Black's Cardsoldiers. Screaming, she turned and ran down the first street she saw. - here too I believe a certain expansion is needed. She appears somewhere out of nowhere. How did the transition feel. Was it instantenious? Or a journey in a glowing tunnel, or whatever. What does she see the moment she appears. Etc. Two-three sentences along these lines will make this scene live.

At meeting Henry is a good moment to describe a little of the street, or the buildings. And Henry himself.

Henry jumped to the right as another lightning bolt slammed into the ground, inches from where he had been. The closer Henry got the more lightning bolts he had to dodge. With a final cry of desperation, Henry leaped through the queen. - same ax to grind here - tell us more about these bolts. How do they look, sound, smell? Describe how a few fall and Henry evades them. Otherwise you just tell us in a slightly bored fashion about them, and then suddeny he already leaps in desperation.

Meanwhile the book found it's way into the hands of Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, also known as Lewis Carroll, the person we know as the author of Alice in Wonderland. - I believe this sentence to be unnecssary

sharp and=sharpened?

Overal, I found the concept intruiging; the structure of the narrative at times too superficial, I've pointed out where; the plot itself - somewhat convulted. We start with one protagonist, then suddenly we get a birds eye view of the whole other world and its history, then we quickly kill of the first protagonist and the second one, so to say, takes the scepter. This would work the way it is now, if you dedicate a certain amount of your time, and fashion it into 5000K or even 10000K novella. Otherwise this small short-story space works very much against the plot as such.

dear TheWriters,
I enjoyed your work even though it sounds sorta like The Looking Glass Wars. When you were writing about the beasts in the forest you forgot the S. And how does Elyss know about the Game if Henry never said it? Keep up the good work!
~Sionarama