EishaM wrote:Lets give in tonight
Lets lose our fight for rights
This got too rhymey for me. Four lines in a row that rhyme.
I actually think you could probably just take these two lines out. For me, they don't really fit in with what I've read so far.
EishaM wrote:Im a puppet and your a spell
Youll make me come to life
I liked this part.
EishaM wrote:Eyes on, eyes on me
Dirty, dirty is wat you see
Everything, everythings for me
Crazy, crazy is wat itll be
So eyes on, eyes on me
Take me, take me for wat u see
I'll be, i'll be truly
Your spell, your ecstacy
I really liked this part too.
Try not to write in chat speak like the 'wat' and 'u'.
So this strikes me as a pop song. Am I right?
Overall, I didn't think it was bad at all. However, I think at times it got a little rhymey-rhymey. Songs don't always have to rhyme, and if they do, they don't have to follow a set rhyme-scheme. I felt like you were trying to follow a rhyme-scheme and because of that you kind of stretched a little for rhymes and the lines didn't flow as well as they could have.
Also, don't forget to add proper punctuation and what not.
-Carly