Hallow's Eve

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Can you see it? Well I commend your eyesight. All I can see are thick swaths of metallic fog. Of course there would be mist. How could I have thought otherwise? The only indication that I’m still on the path is the comforting crunch of my boots on gravel. My lantern spills golden light just a few meters in front of me. Ridiculous as it is, I’m loathe to step out of that pool. It’s safe territory.
An owl hoots suddenly, startling me out of my reverie. It’s an eerie, furtive noise. I can just see the silvery glow of the full moon through the dense mist, a beam of sombre luminosity. I swallow. Lift the lantern a little higher. Walk on.

It was two years ago today. My father was hunting in Briar Woods. He loved the mystery. My mother begged my father not to go. Wouldn’t listen to her. He promised her they would be back before dark. The Briar Woods are notorious in these parts. It’s a menacing, sprawling, maze of dark trees.
Four hours later, my mother was at the police. It was a minute to midnight. I was waiting by the door, pacing frantically. Then I heard it. The hammering of feet and the gasping breaths. The desperate pounding on the door. I looked out the window. It was Dad. I didn’t let him in. That’s the first thing we youngsters learn in these parts. Never open the door to anyone on Hallows eve. Not your mother or father. Not even your cat. Because if you do…. All they need is one open door, one window, ajar.

Then the bells began to toll for midnight. My dad was clawing at the door in panic, whites of his eyes showing. An owl hooted. Cats hissed. Dogs howled. I felt the temperature drop. The fine hairs on the back of my neck stood up. A wind was catching outside, sweeping the dirt into tiny dervishes. The dust blew against the window, blinding me. I could smell brimstone, thick in the air. The wind slowed gradually, revealing a woman of extraordinary beauty. Her large eyes were amethyst, streaked with turquoise. Her hair was dark and her skin was whiter than jasmine blossoms.
"Human!" The woman cried fearlessly. "You dare trespass on our lands after dark, slaughter our subjects for sport and light fires on our territory!" My father was paler than a ghost and shaking like a leaf in high wind.

"Nnnnnooooo" he stuttered. The woman's face was petrifying, like a destroying angel.
"You shall pay dearly for this mistake!" she screamed. I could see purest evil dancing in the centre of her eyes. My father screamed. He fell to his knees, fingernails raking his face. Then, quite he was gone. Disappeared before my very eyes. The woman smiled. She looked at me. I stared back, a mouse caught in the hypnotising golden glare of a predator. The she was gone, swept away in her evil-smelling fug. I've waited two long years. Now I'll get my revenge.

I'm almost there. The woods are gloomy and dark, but I can see. The mist is thickening and there is a distinct, smoky smell in the air. Brimstone. Like on that Hallow's Eve two year ago....... Nearly. I can hear the music now, lively and sweet; the sound of pure joy and happiness. I creep up to the glen, each sound I make seemingly shatteringly loud in my ears. Thank god for the music. . Suddenly, I step on a twig. It cracks, sharp sound echoing through the night. The music stops. I back away slowly, not daring to turn my back to the glen. The night is black and still. Suddenly, there’s a noise behind me. I whip around wildly. Just a few tentacles of mist. I breathe out. Another noise behind me. I turn sharply again, yelling this time. There is the sound of muffled laughter. They’re playing with me. I thrust out blindly, sobbing with fear. The music starts again, quietly at first, then rising in a slow crescendo. There is the noise of clapping. I’m howling now, sobs ripping through my chest. Please, I’m so scared. I don’t want to die! Please don’t let me die here, alone. I’m so scared... The music stops. I turn wildly, all pride gone. I’m still sobbing. Don’t let me die!
The shatter of braking glass. A tongue of flame, soon extinguished in the wet grass. A single scream rings out through the dark night.

:elephant:




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This is well written! the only mistake I found was at the end where you said "braking glass" instead of "breaking glass". But other then that, you described things well which is a plus in my book. X3 I like it and my curiosity is killing me. Write number two, please, and keep up the good work!
And I vow oath to this creed and all who are within it, to protect and value them all.
-Altorian Guard Recruit Ceremony




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Yo!
An excellent little piece!

Nothing really wrong with it, here are my suggestions for a few minor tweaks

An owl hoots suddenly, startling me out of my reverie - it would be nice to have a prceeding sentence of him thinking, or remembering, musing, in order to have a reverie,out of which to be startled.

My mother begged my father not to go. Wouldn’t listen to her. He promised her they would be back before dark. The Briar Woods are notorious in these parts. It’s a menacing, sprawling, maze of dark trees. - As the mother begs dad not to go, a sentence on the dangers which make her beg, /so and so never returned/, and dad's reasons for insisting to go, would be welcome.

A wind was catching outside, sweeping the dirt into tiny dervishes - If I understand correctly your intent - to use the dancing dervishes as a metaphore for swirling dirt and dust - I can only bow in admiration. But I suggest the wind not 'sweeping' the dirt into dervishes, but 'whipping up'

I creep up to the glen, each sound I make seemingly shatteringly loud in my ears - here the 'seemingly' is not really necessary.

All in all - great job. How about adding some guilt about failing to help dad, or, to the contrary, his grim determination to not feel guilit?
:D
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard



You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda