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Hmm. An interesting take on a Bible story. But it's controversial for me.

I like your descriptive, narrative style. I could picture the entire scene as though I were standing right there, watching it. However, I don't necessarily care too much for the story's plot. It's too modern, too supernatural, too proud on Jesus' behalf, too...how do I put this? Stressed.

Good job writing, but you may want to rethink this. Don't try so hard to make a good story.

"You too, may the Master watch over you," said Jesús, missing word? opened the door and scrambled onto the dirt road. The truck roared to life, and slowly turned to the left. As it sped away it gave one last honk. Jesús waved his hand at the truck and then looked at the town.

As he neared the small grassy hills, he felt his tension rise. By the time he reached them, he felt as if in some sort of vacuum. Some sort of vacuum what? Suddenly there were no sounds around him, no grasshoppers, no birds, even the grass stopped rustling. Then two figures seemed to abruptly appear by the mounds, as if morphing away from the earth itself.

But my goodness, I sure love the following sentences in this paragraph though.

Possession, thought Jesús, they have been possessed. The two frightening men stopped ten yards from him.

Jesus would not consider thugs frightening. I suggest using another word.

He took off his shades, uncovering poisonous yellow eyes and looked at Jesús, meeting his calm gaze.

You forgot an 'f'

"What the fuck," he said and stepped back. The plumper man also scrutinized Jesús and pocketed his knife.

I believe that comma should be a question mark.

The poor bastards, thought Jesús, looking at the figures of the two men. They must have been possessed by a whole hive of demons. For how many years have they been their slaves? Outcasts from society, unable to control their own bodies, menacing the townsfolk which passed by. Although it looked like they could only move around the two mounds, and by now surely the townsfolk had learned to not come here, and yet... He had a duty to perform.

OK, I am very certain he would never even think such a word. For why would he? He who is without sin. May I suggest you substitute it with 'souls'? NOTE: I am not religious, I'm a questioning agnostic. But I still know a lot about Jesus. He is the most inspirational figure ever, is he not?

As Jesús turned, the shimmering air also moved, pushed by his Holy Spirit, and finally his was facing the cow herd. That confused me, please address. The two cowboys didn't quite understand what was happening, but got out of the way of his outstretched hands just in case.

That last bit of info is not needed. It actually takes a stab at the flawless nature of your piece. How are we suddenly knowing that the cowboys moved 'just in case'? Anyway, you have enough detail to show why they moved.

"Whatth'hell?" said one of the cowboys and spurred his horse back to the herd. The other cowboy lingered, looking at Jesús, before joining his partner. And the two wretches on the ground begun showing signs of waking.

Is that intentional?

"What'th hell didja do to our cows stranger!?" he shouted.

I imagine that there should be an exclamation mark in there.

"That's him sheriff, that's the stranger that gone and done in our cows," pointed at him the younger cowboy. *Did you mean something like: the younger cowboy pointed at him. Otherwise, the wording makes no sense.* Without looking at the cowboys, the sheriff fixed his shades on Jesús, slid his thumbs into his belt, and walked over, slowly, with an authoritative rolling gait.

"Say son, you responsible for the Malone's cows to go and jump in the lake now?" he asked, chewing his words, his shades reflecting the drawn tired face of the stranger.

Beautiful detail here. But why is Jesus referred to as 'stranger'?

"And that's a fact," affirmed the younger cowboy from behind the sheriff's shoulder."

You accidentally put quotation marks at the end of this line.

Jesús still had some money left, which he had received as a gift in a more hospitable town. He was saving it for an emergency, or for someone who was more desperate then him, but what the hell.

Again, another one of the ways he would not think.

Closing Words:

You are a bloody good writer napalm! Really, you have a better writing style than most published authors. (*Sigh* I haven't read any particularally good books lately.) Anyway, yes, you have an eye for detail. Your descriptions are so vivid it's like you drove out into the country side to see how you should describe it. Your story reminds me of the Biblical story of the demons that were put into pigs, and they too killed themselves. That's probably why you have the Mathew at the beginning.

There were a number of typos in there, but it wasn't anything that took away to much from the reading.

-Have a nice day.

-

*That angel is my signature*

Yo,
thanks for the feedback AyumiGosu17 and Aspiring Author!
Thanks for the detailed pointing out of various errors Aspiring, and yes, I suppose it should be 'poor souls' and 'what the heck' hehe. He's refered to as 'stranger' because he is yet unknown in most parts of the land. Only after he is lynched and his disciples scattered, will he become a houshold name. He has yet to give a seminar on loving thy neighbor /I'm still writing it/, but has already performed other miracles.