I love my sister and all, I mean she’s the one who dragged me to this performance in the first place, but can’t she take a hint? Let’s be honest here and I’ll tell you a little secret to keep between you and me; I hate musicals, and my bladder isn’t helping the matter.
Don’t get me wrong, the auditorium is beautiful and the amount of people packed in every single maroon colored satin chair is promising, I suppose, but I have to piss. Everyone around me is pissing me off. That makes me need to pee even more, and I know for a fact my squirming around is making everyone extremely uncomfortable, and of course I was stuck with the one chair in the entire auditorium with squeaking enhancement included... Even though my sister seems to be unaware of my constant moving around in sequence with an occasional squeak of my chair, the older woman sitting next to me seems to mind. I know this because every time she turns towards me to glare, I can smell her gaudy perfume wisp through the air around her where her head is moving…which just so happens to be in my direction.
There is only one thing to do, and that is to get up from my seat. I shall use the bathroom with dignity, and not let anyone stop me from doing so. However, then I thought to myself; how am I supposed to get past all of these people sitting down? The aisle between my row of seats and the ones in front of me has a diameter of…well let’s not get technical here, but I know it’s not wide enough for me to pass through without a ruckus.
I finally decide to stand up after moments of contemplation and start my way down the aisle.
“Excuse me!” I squeeze my way between each seat and person as if I was the bologna and each chair and person opposite from it were the whole wheat non-fat bread high in fiber and vitamins.
Freedom at last! Once I finally squeezed myself past the last bit of the aisle I scream like no one’s watching…in my mind.
I walk briskly for a while, unsure of the direction I’m supposed to be going in. However, soon I spotted the almighty women’s restroom sign I had been waiting for. Now I walk more confidently, picking up my pace as I get closer to the entrance. Wait, I thought to myself; where is the entrance? I could only see a mob of women and children filling up the whole vicinity.
“Damnit!” I utter the one and only word suitable for such a situation under my breath, and suddenly feel slightly relaxed…and warm. Now I know I can’t hold it any longer!
However, I must wait; it’s the only way to separate this poison sloshing inside me from my bladder.
I take a step forward, as another woman exits the bathroom; one stall closer, but wait, what is that smell?
I gag and gurgle as my bladder yells for help. At this time I feel absolutely noxious. At this point I don’t think there is any way for me to hold it in any longer.
I spot another bathroom a few feet away, and there is no line. My gaze moves from the women’s rest room to the empty one, back and forth, until I finally decided to ditch the wait and hurry over to the deserted restroom.
“I can see the door!” I screeched to myself.
However all good things must come to an end, for I was put to a halt as soon as I placed my eyes on the sign reading ‘Mens’ posted before the way in.
This first upset me.
Do I dare enter the forbidden zone?
Are you kidding? Of course I do! This didn’t upset me for long.
I sprint to the door leading in and swing open the nearest stall door without taking notice to the men staring at me in astonishment.
“Ahhhh” I sigh in relief as my bladder is emptied into the toilet at ease.
Feeling like a new woman I exit the stall and walk up to a sink to wash my hands. I check myself out in the mirror and then apply a fresh coat of Razzle-Dazzle Berrylicious lip gloss.
“Put your hands up!”
“What the hell?” I exclaim.
“You are not supposed to be in here young lady!”
“Are you gonna’ arrest me or something?”
“I have to sweet-cheeks. It’s the law”
I hold my breath and try not to laugh, but I burst out into tears I begin laughing uncontrollably. It’s like taking a piss all over again, but out of my mouth.
“Handcuffs? What are you going to do with those?”
The police officer smirks maniacally and attaches the handcuffs to my wrists.
Now I am in deep shit. Really, I have to take a crap!
