(First off, this is an actual post. Every single word of it is true. It's my story, my life, my dead boyfriend. I feel bad for putting it up here. All of my emotions, thoughts, feelings just up for the world to see. I didn't want to do this. Honestly. My friend talked me into this.)
I'm going to rant to whoever is reading this right now, hopefully no one will. If I want no one to read it why am I writing it down? I need to vent, right. Well, here goes everything.
He's gone, Matts gone. Dead. Rotting in hell as I type these very words onto this page. I believe it's my fault, Roman disagrees. Who cares what Roman thinks anyway? He's an idiot, a pain-loving piece of crap and I wouldn't even spit in his direction. But I care for him. Why do I care, scratch that, how could I care for such a horrible person? Because he tells me the truth, he dosn't sugar coat things for me. He dosn't treat me like a idiotic puppy that can't tell left from right. It hurts, the things he says, and he knows it, but that dosn't stop him from telling me. But he didn't help me try to stop Matt. He sat back and watched, LAUGHED EVEN, and his words of advice were, "Watch a movie before you pull the knife, Matt." Sweeny Todd, he told him to watch Sweeny Todd. Why would he do something like that?
Roman sent me this song, Miracle Sun. I couldn't stop crying after I listened to it. The whole song, I think, is about a guy trying to get this girl to show him the "light". Trying to get her to wake him up so he could see the world for the place it is, and asking her to take him with her when things get bad because he wants to comfort her. He's asking her to hurry up and, for a lack of better words, get a clue so she could show him the meaning of it all. 'Cause if she dosn't he'll never wake up, he'll never stop dreaming...
I'm crying now and it sucks. I didn't..I didn't want him to die. I tried to stop him actually. Tried to stop it before we got to serious, but he didn't listen! Why the hell didn't he listen? I knew I would mess it up, I always mess up everything with him, even before we "happened".
My little sister is listening to this song downstairs. Two is better than one, by Boys like girls and Taylor Swift. I asked her to turn it off 'cause it wsa crumpling my heart up and spitting it out, but she just turned it up louder. I think my sister hates me.
Well, with Matt at first everything was good and nice. He gave me roses and would visit me whenever he could. I know he was older, sixteen actually, and I'm only fourteen, but he would always say, "Age is nothing but a number. You can't put restrictions on love." And that's true. But, while I sit here now, I can't help but think that if he loved me so much how could he do that. How could he...
I can't say the words. I just can't, it'll break me in half. But, how could he just leave? If he loved me as much as he claimed he would have never seperated us. He promised me forever! What the hell happened to forever?
Well, Matt, what happened to forever? What happened to all the promises you made? Did they die along with you? Did the knife take them away from me too? The ring that sits heavy on my finger now, did that mean nothing? This beautiful promise ring you bought for me, is it just worthless gold now? Because that's what it seems like. It's worthless, just like the promises you made to me. I should burn it, throw it away, sell it, or something! But I can't, it's one of the few things I have to remember you by. The ring, the now dead roses, that one teddy bear you got me from your visit to New Mexico, and, lastly, the letters you wrote. I still have them in my special box.
He left me alone and depressed. And now I can't get those lyrics out of my head.
"Where do you go, when it gets dark? And is there room for me there? How long will it take you to wake up? Before you go will you wake me? Or I'll sleep all day...
Miracle sun, stay with me tonight. We don't wanna be without you.We'll come along so save a place for us. We don't wanna be left alone.
Where do you go, when it gets dark? And is there room for me there?
How long will it take you to wake up? Make a promise to wake me..Will you wake me up? Or I'll sleep all day, and miss everything."
That's our song now. Only ours. Just you and me Matt. Us alone...
). I respect that.
