memor, immemor (remembering, forgetting)

memor, immemor
[Trans. remembering, forgetting]


I felt nothing.
No moving of the heavens, no
earth-quake trembling moment rocked me from my sleep (the
slumber of the ignorant) to wake me in a world
where you no longer breathed.

Someone had erased the tape, rewound
back to the beginning when you and I
had never met, never spoken
never dreamed together
and I was walking down the high street
thinking about cherry ice cream,
melting summer sun on footpaths and
the wind in my hair.

I thought I had you memorized;
your face, your touch, the way
those two lines creased your face
when you smiled-
but you tricked me into thinking
you were permanent, like a fixture on a wall
and I forgot you.

Yes, I
forgot you in summer skies
in soft uncertain clouds and burning silver leaves;
forgot you when I swore we’d stay together – three-legged –
for the rest of our days.
But

even the strongest bonds
can come untied, even
the strongest love can fade
before eternity.
Why else would I feel nothing
in that moment that you died?

I'm not sure about this one. I've been working on it but there are bits I feel are kind of choppy and its totally abstract- based on an idea I had upon hearing of the death of someone I didnt know (LOL, weird, but true). I think it needs some work. Suggestions?

I l-o-v-e the first stanza.

But I think you lost the effect that worked brilliantly in the first three stanzas and it started to break down after that....the fourth stanza is okay, except I hate the "but" which just seems silly there. The last stanza I don't like, I think if you re-write that bit to fit more with the rest of the poem it would flow better.

gur.. I had part of this done last night, then parents kicked me off the computer.

oh.. I've been meaning to critique your stuff, but time hasn't premitted me enough time (oh yeah.. I nit-pick. feel free to ingore them if you wish).

I felt nothing.
No moving of the heavens, no ok, this can be awkward, depending on how it's read. if it goes with this line, I would put in some sort of puncuation, but that's me. I think it works either way.. if it's meant to go with the next line, however, I think it looks awkward.
earth-quake trembling moment rocked me from my sleep (the
slumber of the ignorant) to wake me in a world
where you no longer breathed.

Someone had erased the tape, rewound
back to the beginning when you and I
had never met, never spoken
never dreamed together
and I was walking down the high street
thinking about cherry ice cream,
melting summer sun on footpaths and
the wind in my hair.

I thought I had you memorized;
your face, your touch, the way
those two lines creased your face
when you smiled- I think this makes the stanza too wordy, at least with the line break. I would either omit, or place with the previous stanza soit flows, but it would make the line seem long in relation with the rest of the stanza.
but you tricked me into thinking
you were permanent, like a fixture on a wall
and I forgot you.
ok, I agree with Jack here. the first three stanzas are good, but after this, not so much.

Yes, I er.. two word line. not my favourite thing, but that's a personal preference, and me being anal as all else
forgot you in summer skies
in soft uncertain clouds and burning silver leaves;
forgot you when I swore we’d stay together – three-legged –
for the rest of our days.
But where'd that come from?

even the strongest bonds
can come untied, even
the strongest love can fade
before eternity.
Why else would I feel nothing
in that moment that you died?
er.. not overly fond of this stanza...

I Like it and can't find anything at all to critique!! Nice job. That type of thing has halpened to me to. Somone in my simphany died, and I couldn't remember his face.