"Everything is Illuminated"

Hello, YWS-ers! I'm not too big on writing poems, but sometimes I try. Tell me what you think of this. This poem was based on a dream.

The sea hang over us. Dark, unleashing, indefinite.
It was stitched with illuminated, radiant stars, the moon.
It felt natural, this contrast.
It felt incredible to be here, in this metropolis,
And still feel the awe, the dumbfound impression, of nature
In this busy city.
It was hurried, this town.
This expression though was shaved at night, it was different.
It felt awkward to be awake, that star placing light over
Hurried heads of couples on distinguished, broken benches,
The drunk unconscious behind the fur trees,
And us sliding on this boulevard of life and past.
Past beats life, but I was content.
Bitter, and yet happy
Because I never felt like this recently.

May 2009

Okay, icky stuff first.

"Dark, unleashing, indefinite." Sentences need to have a beginning and an end. This is just three words strung together. You should combine it with the first sentence, with an 'and' before the last word.

"It..." Don't use the same word to start sentences that are consecutive, or close together. It's particularly noticeable in a poem.

You need to look into the use of commas and general grammar when it comes to piecing clauses into a sentence. Even in poems it still needs to make sense, but that's something that just requires a little study.

Now for the good stuff. The ability to write is something you definitely have. I don't know what it is, but something about this scene you've created is enchanting, and still haunting. I especially like "It felt awkward to be awake," and "Bitter, yet happy," both of these lines really help set the atmosphere and add some nice contrasts to the poem. Well done

Wow, that was fast! Thank you very much, TenYo! I'll try to change my grammar and sentence structure, your thoughts made sense. And you just made my day!

While reading this I got confused... at first. As I read on I realized that your imagery made my think of my own little dream with "...illuminated, radiant stars..."
I believe that that is a quality very few of us have.

I commend you.

--->Deane

I'm so glad you liked my poem! This certainly gives me inspiration to write new things, thanks for reviewing. By the way, welcome to YWS, Deane! Hope you'll like it here, I love it here!