The Enemy (Really short, short story)

CLAUD AND CLAIRE. CLAUDIA, CLAUDETTE, AND CLARICE. A family of five. Kill them all. You know what to do. Disobey and there will be consequences.
The voice screams violently at me. I start running.
It’s windy. Terribly windy.
I can’t do this.
I can. I have to.
No. I can’t. Someone else can do it, but not me. I can’t do this. Not again.
I’m scared. I’m cold.
Did I mention that it’s windy?
I’m imagining tornadoes ripping through this town and carrying me away. If I’m carried away, there is no way for me to do this appalling deed. Maybe it’s a good thing then.
Tornadoes terrify me. Rain repulses me. But most of all, blood is my blight.
Tonight is my nightmare. Tonight is my torture. Tornadoes, rain, and blood. The combination that will ensure my downfall.
CLAUD AND CLAIRE. CLAUDIA, CLAUDETTE, AND CLARICE. A family of five. Kill them all. You know what to do. Disobey and there will be consequences. I call the voice the Enemy. I can’t escape the Enemy’s harsh cries. It won’t leave. I must surrender to it, it’s presence is too strong to resist.
The knife is icy in my hand. The knife is comforting. I feel secure as my hand grasps it. Secure yet helplessly sadistic. I promised myself I would never do this again. I wasn’t ever going to do this again. But now there is no choice. Now I have too. Tonight could be my end. Tonight could be my demise.
CLAUD AND CLAIRE. CLAUDIA, CLAUDETTE, AND CLARICE. A family of five. Kill them all. You know what to do. Disobey and there will be consequences. The bloodthirsty Enemy attacks the inside of my head again. “NO! I WON’T DO IT!” someone screams. I realize that someone was me. Had I really just defied the Enemy who had plagued me all my life? The voice I had become a slave to? That’s when I notice something critical. I had dropped the knife. Just opened my fingers and let it fall. It splashed in a puddle on the dirt road. Am I finally free?
I wonder if you didn’t hear me when I said there would be severe repercussions if you did not comply. Pick up the knife, Cor, pick it up now. I surprise myself yet again by standing still. I run no more, nor do I reach for the knife. But what am I doing? I know what will happen if I don’t carry out the Enemy’s wishes. She’ll die.
Your lack of action alarms me. Are you really disobeying my orders, Cor? After all we’ve been through? “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I shout into the damp night. The Enemy is such a predictable evil, I know what it wants me to do and feel. That’s how it controls me.
Very well, Cor. Claralynn is dead. I have broken free from the Enemy, yet I also have done the one thing I swore I’d never do. Claralynn will die tonight. Claralynn will die because of me. Claralynn will die with one knife through her heart. There will be another death tonight. Two hearts will feel the sting of a knife. One heart belongs to Claralynn, and the other belongs to me.
Tonight is my nightmare. Tonight is my torture. Tonight is my demise.





Okay, so that is just a really random short suspense/thriller story thingy I wrote. I don't really know exactly what it's about. It was originally just a way to get rid of some pesky writer's block. It's a little strange. Just tell me what you think! Thanks!

~time8keeper

Hey,I'm Dreamy, and I'll be your reviewer today. First off, I'd just like to say that this is one of the best short stories I've read in quite a while. It was really gripping. My only issue with your writing itself: this seems like a base. More like a skeleton of a long story than a short story-- but maybe that's what you wanted. I'd like just a little more information about this character. How old is he? Where is he? Who is this Claralynn to him? And why do their names all begin with a 'C'? By the way, unless there's a reason, I'd change the names so they don't all do that. The only real nitpick I have is this:

consequence’s.

You say this at least three times in your story, and you always have an apostrophe in it. Get rid of that apostrophe, please! I almost stopped reading when i saw that because I assumed, because of that, that this would be bad. It wasn't, though.

Overall, great job!

--Dreamy115

Hey, I'm JK
First off, I really liked this. I don't often get to see people write my kind of stories. You know, the good kind
Anyways, I don't really have anything to say about grammar, Dreamy covered my only problem there.
As to the style: The story is written in short, disjointed sentences. Which is completely fine for the story itself, I think it fits really well. However, some of your vocabulary doesn't necessarily fit with that concept.

The Enemy is such a putrid evil

Using "putrid" here doesn't really go with the rest of the piece. And again:

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” I shout into the inky night.

Inky would be a perfect description of night in any other story, but it doesn't mesh well here.

The voice screams violently at me. I start running.
It’s windy. Terribly windy.
I can’t do this.
I can. I have to.
No. I can’t. Someone else can do it, but not me. I can’t do this. Not again.
I’m scared. I’m cold.
Did I mention that it’s windy?

Wonderful hook. I especially like the last "Did I mention that it's windy?" part. It adds to the whole crazy/conflicted/psycho persona Cor has going.

Tonight is my nightmare. Tonight is my torture. Tonight is my demise.

This passage is good, just a tad overdramatic.

All in all, you did a great job! PM me if you write something else.

Thank you Dreamy and JK for reading this and for your helpful reviews! I'm super glad you enjoyed it!

Dreamy: I do know what you mean with the whole skeleton feel of this. It is actually supposed to be like that. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this story or not, but if I do, you will definitely know more about Cor and all his many issues. I really don't know much about this story myself, I just kind of started writing it. If I do continue to write it, I'll totally post more of it here! Also, I didn't even notice my random use of apostrophes in 'consequences.' I have no idea what possessed me to put them there, so thanks for pointing that out! Thanks for the review!

JK: Hmm, I do believe you are correct with my misuse of putrid and inky. I'm going to change that so thanks for showing me that! I'm glad you enjoyed my hookiness And yeah, it is overdramatic, but Cor is a bit of an overdramatic character, though with a creepy voice inside his head I guess he has license to be. I definitely will! Thanks for the review!

Dreamy: Woops, I forgot to mention the whole deal with all the names beginning with C! That was intentional! It's one of the few things I know about this story. I would explain, but I don't want to give anything away!