Whispers

This came into my mind while I was listening to The Killers, which is where the name Natalie came from and the line "Everything will be alright." There will be more once I figure out where I'm going with this. Wow.. I have no idea how I'm going to end this. I'll probably end up abandoning this story. But at least I wrote something? Sorry if this belongs in sci-fi.


"Natalie."

So many sounds surrounded her. Whispers, the crackling of fire, shrieking, and her own heavy breathing. She looked wildly around, her house was being consumed by fire. She closed her eyes tightly, tears escaping her. Now was not the time to be crying. She had to find a way out.

"Natalie.."

The voice whispered once more. She was alone. Who was talking to her? What was going on? And more importantly; Why? She hadn't done anything to deserve this kind of death.

"Everything will be alright.."

She didn't have much time. God, why was this happening? The front door was blocked by the blaze. A cat's meow caught her attention. Cat? She didn't have any pets. Looking down, she saw a small ginger tabby sitting in front of her as though nothing was happening. It glanced into her eyes for a second, then ran.

"Follow.."

The cat.. was that who whispering? That made no sense. Smoke filled her lungs, and it became harder and harder to see. But the feline still stood out. It lead her to a door unlike any other, right in the middle of the hallway. It looked centuries old. It was wooden, but it wasn't burning. It had all sorts of carvings lined with gold, which greatly contrasted the blackened wood. The smoke suddenly became even thicker, and she felt the hot embers burning her feet. She grabbed frantically at the doorknob and turned it.

"Natalie.."

She glanced at the cat, who was staring intently at her with emerald eyes. She gasped for air and stumbled through the doorway. Light flooded into her eyes and fresh air into her lungs. No loud noises were left past the door, no fire, no whispers. Silence. She hit the ground under her with a thud, her burnt feet giving way as she slowly lost consciousness before she could view her new surroundings. She felt the cat's soft head rub against her hand soothingly.

"Natalie."

Hai!

Whispers and other sounds surrounded her. The crackling of fire, shrieking, and my own heavy breathing.

It might be better if you combined these two sentences, as when I read “other sounds” and was brought up short by the full stop, I was already wondering why you hadn’t said what the other sounds were. If you joined them by a dash or a colon it would be less disjointed, I think.

Also, you switch persons with “my own heavy breathing” – shouldn’t that be “her own heavy breathing”?

She looked wildly around, blue eyes watching her world crash.

Is it vital to the story for us to know her eye colour? This feels like you’re just throwing this in because you want us to know what colour her eyes are, just for the sake of knowing what colour her eyes are.

Also, “watching her world crash” is incredibly vague. More details, more specific descriptions of the death, doom and destruction would be nice; and less melodramatic.

A cats meow caught her attention.

Cats = cat’s

She didn't own any pets, yet here was this orantabby sitting in front of her as though nothing was happening.

Very tell-y. You could make it more subtle by taking out the first part and making it like, “She saw a strange tabby sitting in front of her as though nothing was happening.”
I assume you mean “orange tabby”? Tabbies aren’t orange; they’re more brown or grey.

She grabbed frantically at the doors knob and turned it.

Doors knob = doorknob


~

This was very short – too short to really see where it’s going, but it was quite well written and very easy to read. ^_^

However, I did feel that there was a great lack of description. You’re the only one who can see the story in your head, so you have to describe it to us. It was quite a way through the story that I realised the house was on fire; you kept on saying that her world was crumbling, her doom was coming, and all, but you didn’t specify what. It could have been an alien princess watching the Death Star drawing close before pulverising her home planet, or whatever. You were too vague in the beginning, and too obvious in other places.

Don’t say that Natalie’s parents were away from home when Natalie’s in the fire; it’s a crucial moment in the story, so you want the reader’s attention to be focused on the important stuff, viz. Will Natalie Get Out Of There Alive? You can explain things in more detail later on. It’s good to have a priority in each scene so your writing doesn’t ramble.

I hope this helped!

-twit

I think I fixed most of those problems just now. That "orantabby" typo isn't showing up on my computer. ._. Strange.

And, I've owned a tabby that was quite orange.

Spoiler

Kind of like this.

When I edited the story just now, I changed the word orange to ginger.

Sorry about the switching persons. At first, I was writing it in first person and I guess I missed that sentence.

Hi
The critic before me already talked about grammar problems (which is good because I'm not very good at correcting grammar). However, I do agree with him or her in that I didn't exactly get a full picture of what was happening or where the story was heading. But, I still liked it a lot and (at the risk of sounding cliche) it was well written. You did a good job of trying to put your vision on paper...or on computer screen.

I really liked this. It capturedher emotions perfectly. First it was sadness then astonishment when he came back. I think this could go far. hat could be a prolgue, then for the story you could explain the breakup/ dissappearance of him.


Hope i helped.

Biffle1

All right, as the biggest Killers fan on earth, I appreciated your little song "snippets" or whispers.Just make sure you credit them, as you kinda have. I liked this, it was a nice, fast read. I couldn't find any stand-out errors, and your plot was good. Nice job overall. Keep writing!

--Dreamy