The Last Storm (4)

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Thanks to all my readers! This chapter is very... strange. But not as strange as the next...

“Have you seen anyone else?” I asked Zach to interrupt the silence. We were huddled in the shelter, a warm fire spitting up smog at us as we watched the storm erupt outside. I knew the storm wouldn’t be as bad as before, but seeing it rain and the wind stir made me cringe.
“No. But, we heard something a few blocks away. It sounded like some man talking, but I didn’t want to stay and find out.” Zach rubbed his hands together. Turns out Zach was eleven, same as my sister, and Abigail was eight.
I could tell Joe didn’t like them or didn’t want them around. It was going to be hard enough surviving with just me and him, but with two younger kids to look after… And we didn’t even know the dangers yet. Things that I never imagined to be dangerous could be hunting us right now.
Suddenly Joe stood up, “We need to go and find out.”
He looked down at me, but I shook my head.
“For the safety of us all…”
I rolled my eyes. He already knew my weak spot, and I had only developed it last night when the children arrived.
I stood up and stepped over to the exit of our hut. Joe walked out, but I turned back at the children who were staring at each other with blank expressions. “Stay here. Abigail needs to heal before she walks anywhere.” I looked down at the young girl’s ankle. It was swollen, but will probably heal quickly. She wasn’t crying, and it only hurt when she stepped on it, so it was just sprained or she twisted it wrong.
Zach nodded, “Alright. That’s for the best. What do we do if someone comes?” The little boy had stayed strong for so long, not letting on any sign of fear, until now.
I looked around the shelter and found Joe’s knife on the dirt floor in the corner. I picked it up and handed it to him so Abby wouldn’t see. He smiled and tucked it into his jean pocket.
“See you later.”


“So, was it around this area, you think?” I looked around, waiting for Joe to respond. By the looks of it, we were in an old residential neighborhood. I couldn’t pick out any furniture, except for a broken television, but there were still some walls up, so the storm must have not hit that part of town as much as it did mine.
Joe bent down behind a pile, I couldn’t see him, but he said, “Come here.”
I walked over to a pile of broken glass and fallen trees. Joe was holding a hand. A hand that’s owner was buried under a pile. A hand whose fingers were peeling from the wet air, whose nails were painted a soft pink color, and whose color was white, and whose person was dead.
I ran away and gagged in a corner. I heard Joe move around some pieces so the hand was buried. Then he walked over to me and laid a hand on my shoulder.
“You are going to see worse things, Mary.”
“You know what, Joe? For once can I just cry without you criticizing me for it?”
“I am not criticizing you…” He looked to either side of him as if he had heard something.
“Whatever you are doing, stop! I never even got to cry for the loss of my family, just-“
He held his hand up and crouched down. He mouthed “listen.”
“Hello?” a small voice said. “Is anyone out there? Can anyone hear me?”
I turned around to the pile where the hand was and ran to it, but Joe grabbed my hand to stop me. He pointed to what used to be a house. There was one wall still standing, and that wall had a broken window. Joe walked over to the wall and I followed.
“Do you still hear it?”
He ignored me and continued to search around. As we got closer to the wall, I started to hear a scratching noise.
Joe, being in front of me, heard it, too. He followed the noise to the back of the wall that seemed to crumble more as we walked closer to it.
“If anyone is out there, I am at the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Believe it or not, it has withstood the crash. I am here with a few other survivors. We just want everyone alone to know there is somewhere they can go.”
I looked at Joe. His eyes were wide open and his arms were shaking.
“Joe? What’s wrong?” I thought this was good, but the expression on his face made it seem like a death sentence.
He looked at me, then shut his eyes. I could see his muscles tense up as he spoke, “We have to get there.”
“Yes, I know, but what’s the problem?”
“The problem is-“ He kicked some wood that was jabbing into his skin where he stood, then rubbed this forehead. “The problem is that it… the children, Mary. Will they be able to make it? I was only panning on you and me.” He looked frusterated, but at the same time calm. And I could tell there was something I didn’t know, but was too afraid at the moment to ask him.
“Joe,” I walked over to him and looked up to his big brown eyes. “I’m not going to leave them.”
Joe stared at me, then sat down, allowing his skin to be penetrated by wood. I knelt beside him and stroked his back while he contemplated our options. “I know.”
He sat there with his head between his knees. I kept on with my soothing strokes until he rose.

********


So I really need help from you all on this one. I am not sure if I should reveal this much yet... Please tell me if you think this is okay or totally random. Thanks!


Edit:
I took a big chunk out of the story. I was going to reveal something large and stupid, but have decided to save it for later. So sorry to Fix-ed and Crazy, but the last part about future Mary has been deleted. Happy reading.
Last edited by captain.classy on Sat Jan 09, 2010 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I did fond the second part random. Who is this? Is it her older? There are two different kinds of first person POV. One where the narrator knows everything (unlimited), and one where he/she doesn't(limited). Which one are you using? It seems to me like limited. So you should keep it that way.
Sorry this review is so short. Keep writing and post more soon!
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:smt024 It was great, really. I guess I should review it... I should warn you, I'm in a rambunctious mood and wish to show it, so if you don't understand something I say, it's probably random and you just need to roll with it.

captain.classy wrote:And we didn’t even know the dangers yet.

You don't need this. "And we didn't know the dangers yet." Gives the reader essential information, and adding the "even" makes me want to skim over the sentence, so I have to read it again.

captain.classy wrote:I rolled my eyes. He already knew my weak spot, and I had only developed it last night when the children arrived.

I need more details on her "weak spot". Is she naturally mother-like, or does she just want to stay safe? I was confused.

captain.classy wrote:It was swollen, but will would probably heal quickly.

You have two different tenses here. "swollen," and "will" don't work in the same sentence, the way you had it. I suggest replacing that word with "would".

captain.classy wrote:It was swollen, but will would probably heal quickly. She wasn’t crying, and it only hurt when she stepped on it, so it was just sprained or she twisted it wrong.

Okay, the "will"/"would" factor is going on here, too. Also, the highlighted part is a little out of line, it gives you what you need, but it's just facts. I would say "She wasn't crying, it only hurt when she stepped on it, and I was sure it was only sprained or twisted."

captain.classy wrote:“Whatever you are doing, stop!

Confused... :smt017 ...It may be just me, but I had to re-read it.

captain.classy wrote:I was only panning on you and me.

Spelling. He was cooking on me and you?

captain.classy wrote:His arm was cut open by falling into our bed-side table.

Instead of "by", have "after".

captain.classy wrote:“Hello, this is Mr. Colton from Research. We understand that you took in Mr. Pierce a few days ago. His wife wishes to see him.”

Who is he talking to? If he's on his cellular device, please make it known. Is he talking to a banana? Bananular phones!! wooh! :smt020

captain.classy wrote:There I walk to my husband’s side of the bed and see dried blood spilled on the floor. After all we have been through, this is how it ends?

Expand on this. I love how you're talking to yourself (or the character, either/or), but you left me confused. Explain what she's doing. Say that she was thinking it, have a tear travel down her cheek. Details!

Over all, you deserve a round of applause. :smt041 It's truly something I would buy and read, if it was published. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Great Job,
Fixed
:smt027
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Classy, I'm loving this story more and more. Your characters are really blossoming.

Only one major prose issue stood out to me. When Joe says "We need to go find out." I was confused at first. I scanned back and realised it was about the other man Zach heard when they were escaping. The problem is there's too much exposition and interior monologue between Zach and Joe speaking, so I lost the conversation thread. It's good to put Mary's thoughts in there as well, but if you could trim it down to one or two sentences that capture the esence of what she's thinking, the reader won't have assumed the conversation between Zach and Joe was over.

I think the description could be improved more too. There was some nice stuff in therem like the warm fire spitting up smog. But what did the smog smell like? Wet wood smokes a lot and might have a musty odour. And do you really want a warm fire? Is that really the atmosphere you're after. What about a feeble fire? Insipid, cold, smoky flames?

What about the shelter? Is it something Joe knocked up out of scrap wood? Is it the remains of a building that was destroyed by the storm? What kind of building? Do draughts of wind and slanting rain find their way in through cracks - the answer should probably be yes for atmospheric purposes.

I loved the image of the hand sticking out from under the rubble. The pink nails and white skin gave it a perfect air of innocence. I think you could re-order it though. You've got the skin peeling first, then the innocent bits, then dead. I think start with the nails, the most innocent sounding part. Then the skin - white for innocent, but also maybe pale. Then the skin peeling, that's definitely bad. Then say the owner was dead. In that order it kind of steps it down darker and darker, rather than listing the characteristics in a random order.

I'd question your word choice when you say the hand was buried under a pile. If you say a pile of bricks it would be okay. A pile is a coloquial name for hemorrhoids, so when you say a pile without further description, it brings to mind an image that isn't quite what you intended.

I also liked the argument between mary and Joe that followed. I didn't think running into the corner and gagging was an appropriate reaction. Either Mary would have to be a much more sensitive character, in which case she probably would have been crying a lot earlier, or the dead body would have to be a bit more gruesome than you described it.

“If anyone is out there, I am at the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Believe it or not, it has withstood the crash. I am here with a few other survivors. We just want everyone alone to know there is somewhere they can go.”

How is this being said? Is he shouting it for anyone to hear, or is he speaking quietly to someone. I would assume the former by what he's saying, but I was a little confused at first, because if they had to be quiet to hear him speaking, one would assume he was talking quietly. Or was he in the distance?

I'm left wondering at the end why Joe doesn't just go to the golden gate bridge himself. He's only just met Mary. It's not as if she's a lifelong friend who he'd be devastated to leave behind, and he doesn't seem to be the sort to care much about people he doesn't know judging by his stance on the children. Then again, maybe there's something about Mary (excuse the movie reference joke) that we don't know. You do seem to keep an air of mystery to the story which I like, and which makes me think it's not a matter of Joe going out of character, but of there being other things that you've hidden from the reader to divulge later. In any case, I'm enjoying this story and will gladly help you further.
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Yes, Hippie, there's a reason why he needs to take her. I think I should put it in here somewhere that Mary thinks it's weird.

You'll find out the reason later, much later.

Fix-ed! You're amazing and ever review of yours makes me smile!

Thanks Crazy! I love how you all are still reading this! <3




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Hello and salutations, Classy!
Well it seems everyone has gotten all the major stuff so I'm just here to encourage you. You're getting better at description! I've noticed. And your plot thickens so that's good. The first time I read it, I thought the voice that Joe and Mary heard was a cellphone. [Laughter] I have no clue why!
Sorry I was late. PM me when you have the next installment!
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3.Don't erase. Even if what you wrote didn't make sense
4.No need for grammar,punctuation, or spelling when writing

And when your done writing you stop and break all the rules




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Alright, I finally got here.
So most of the things have been said so I'm going to just give you my opinions on this.
So far, it's intriguing but yes, I agree some parts of this were in fact random. Especially going out just because they heard a noise. I would be scared to go out alone and leave the kids behind. But that's me and these characters have to think about all of them so I guess it was alright.
Hmm, I'm sorry I don't exactly know what to say about this, it's quite good and I like the pace. It's fast. But then again, remember to add the descriptions for places and things. Not necessarily the characters but more of the environment they're in.
Well that's about it for now, PM me when you post the next one :D

~Pink
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Ok! Hi there Classy!

Umm, I think that I'm slightly confused. I know I am! LOL

Let me get this straight, ok. Mary woke up, met Joe and followed him home. That very same night, they met the kids and now they are four, right? I think that maybe you should add on a bit about Joe and Mary's relationship. Maybe he could get hurt, slice his finger or something and she could realise that she likes nurturing him, caring for him. Build up on their relationship so that we won't think it's weird that Joe doesn't want the children; he wants Mary to himself because that's how it's been, you know?

And if he DOES care about her, why in the world did he show her the dead woman's hand? Don't get me wrong; I loved the very visual effect of it. But maybe you could say that he saw it and tried to keep it from her view but she saw it anyway. I thought it was just callous of him to call her over to show her. Eww. Maybe it's just me though.

I'm really enjoying this, especially since I'm reading all of them in a row, so I get to see the immense progress you've made from one chapter to another. And by the way? I'm sure they heard it through a radio....! :D

Tanya



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