Storm

Mo. wrote:Tell me what you think. (This is my first poem, hope you like it) .

Wind whips at my hair,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.This line is very poetic!
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,
It creeps through my body like a spreading disease.I don't really like this line!

The ocean is far away but I hear it groan,
It's fate decided by the merciless wind.i think you should put a semicolon here, it would sound better, because the next line doesn't sound good as one sentence.
White Capped waves scarring the surrounding earth.

I peer out the window of the bus,
An alien machine with a single purpose.I don't like this line, it doesn't really tie in with the calm mood you have in the beggining.
So close to life, but still so far.

My destination is near.

I walk carefully to the driver,
“Tis time we be stoppin’ at the next road” I remind him.
He nods accordingly and replies “Aye”.
The bus does not stop gently.
I step off uncertainly,

And that’s when the storm begins.

I don't really get it, but that doesn't mean it isn't a poem! The best poems are hard to understand at first...
I guess it was a nice idea, but a little unclear to me. maybe I'm just having a bad day. ha ha
~Classy

Hello, Mo! Firstly, sorry if I repeat anyone, I don't read other people's reviews before I review work myself. I like this poem. Your imagery is good and very descriptive, I feel like I'm there.

Wind whips at my hair,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,
It creeps through my body like a spreading disease.

This is intriguing, particularly the warning part. Also, nice metaphor in the fourth line.

The ocean is far away but I hear it groan,
It's fate decided by the merciless wind.
Whitecapped waves scarring the surrounding earth.

In the second line, it should be its, not it's. I like the idea of the ocean groaning. I think the full stop on the second line should be a comma because otherwise the next sentence is a fragment and it sounds weird.

I peer out the window of the bus,
An alien machine with a single purpose.
So close to life, but still so far.

My destination is near.

Wait, we're on a bus? The wind was whipping your hair so I assumed we were outside, but suddenly you're on a bus? Some transition would be good, because that threw me a bit. I like how you seperated that last line, made it sound more ominous.

I walk carefully to the driver,
“Tis time we be stoppin’ at the next road” I remind him.
He nods accordingly and replies “Aye”.
The bus does not stop gently.
I step off uncertainly,

And that’s when the storm begins.

Again, I like the way you seperated the last line. Also, gently and uncertainly sound a bit repetitive when they're so close together like that. The way you made the characters talk is interesting and adds some individuality to them and the poem, but it begs the question, why is the narrator talking like that now, and why not all the way through the poem? That might be something fun to fiddle with, even if it's just for fun and you don't keep it. It would be interesting to have that accent all the way through the poem. All in all, good work, it leaves the reader with a lot of questions, and that makes it so much more than what you've written - it's not just your words, it's your words combined with the reader's imagination, when they think about what happens next. Also, present tense is a great tool in making the poem more suspenseful, so good job.

Mo. wrote:Tell me what you think. (This is my first poem, hope you like it) .

Wind whips at my hair through the open bus window,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,
It creeps through my body like a spreading disease.
Love this first stanza

The ocean is far away but I hear it groan,
Its fate decided by the merciless wind,
Whitecapped waves scarring the surrounding earth.

I peer out the window of the bus,
An alien machine with a single purpose.
So close to life, but still so far.
I would love to see another line or two in this stanza as description of this machine and what it's doing
My destination is near.

I walk carefully to the driver,
“Tis time we be stoppin’ at the next road” I remind him.
He nods accordingly and replies “Aye”.
The bus does not stop gently.
I step off uncertainly,
I find the speech odd, are we in Scotland?

And that’s when the storm begins.

This is great! You should definitely expand on this!

Hello, I liked this.

I feel like I am going to be reiterating what others have said but hey. I liked it. I thought like some other reviewers that the rhythm was a little jumpy but a little re-wording and some chopping the lines in two should solve that. I love the subject its like a mystery and thats what as me captivated. Keep Writing and Well Done!

~Lydia

WOW. This is, like amazing! Love the description... its so onimous and engrossing! Hope you will expand upon this idea... ^-^

-M.E.

Thanks for all the lovely reviews guys.