those eyes

Their eye's met since Their eye's met for the first time since that previous Friday. She missed those eye's, that smile, his voice. She loved his voice, the way it soothed her. It had calmed her thoughts on those nights she couldn't take the wars in her home anymore. She looked away when she realised he was starring back at her. They both became flusterd with embarrassment. She had been so caught up int the moment she drifted off into deep thought, remembering that day.

...He slipped his hands below her thighs, lifting her a excessive amount off the ground. Her back hit the wall forcing her to yelp slightly. She peered into his deep brown eye's that shimmered in the afternoon sunlight that beat down on them in the empty school yard. He nudged her head with his but when their lips were a inch apart he exclaimed a fain no and placed her safely back on the ground. Her hand became entangled in his bright red polo shirt he had worn that day. She tried so hard to hold him there but her plead had failed and he slipped away from her grip.

She missed him, she wanted him back. She wanted to wrap up in his crescent arms while he whispered romantic, calming, soul releasing words into her ear. she wanted his voice to slither in and overtake her mind and lay a blanket of interesting details of his next move only she would like.

She dropped to her knees. A simple tear fell from her eye, a fragile tear that burst when it touched the concrete. A small dark puddle lie on the ground, proving to her that she had to face the fact that it was done. All they had together before was really over. She stood after noticing that he stood on the wall about to jump just watching her, starring her down with those eye's. She looked up at him, her ocean blue eye's became dark and sinister. She felt invincible, a large burden had been lifted off her chest. She turned away proud, and marched on as if she gad been reborn. Who ever knew eye's could put someone through so much corruption.

Hello! I'm Evi; nice to meet you!

You should proofread your writing before you post it on YWS! It makes things easier on reviewers if there are fewer grammar and spelling errors. For example, "eye's" is possessive, but you really just want "eyes". There's a handy little "CHECK SPELLING" button available when you post, too!

I'm a little bit confused about what happened here, though. It seemed at first that the girl was madly in love with this boy, but then, he backs away from her. Does you girl narrator know why he does this? If she does, you could mention that. It clearly upsets her!

Also, her transition from crying to proud seems very sudden. It might make a bit more sense to your readers if you explain her mood-change a tad more before she walks away proud. What exactly is it about this boy's eyes that make her feel as if she had been reborn? What expression did she see in those eyes? And whose eyes (hers or his) does she think are corrupted?

These are all questions you can help answer! I like the emotional aspect of this story. Just work on clarifying what's going on with your characters, and why.

Keep writing, and thanks! You can PM me for anything.

~Evi

mrschaos wrote:Their eye's met since Their eye's met I feel like there is one to many "Their eye's met here. Also, it would just be eyes, no need for the apostrophefor the first time since that previous Friday. She missed those eye's, that smile, his voice. She loved his voice, the way it soothed her. It had calmed her thoughts on those nights she couldn't take the wars in her home anymore. She looked away when she realised he was starring back at her. They both became flusterd with embarrassment. She had been so caught up int the t at the end of in shouldn't be there the moment she drifted off into deep thought, remembering that day.

...He I wouldn't put the ... here. You already said she was remembering so it would be understood. But if you want to keep the ... then make the H in He lowercaseslipped his hands below her thighs, lifting her a excessive amountmaybe height instead of amount? off the ground. Her back hit the wall forcing her to yelp slightly. She peered into his deep brown eye's that shimmered in the afternoon sunlight that beat down on them in the empty school yard. He nudged her head with his but when their lips were a inch apart he exclaimed a fain no and placed her safely back on the ground. Her hand became entangled in his bright red polo shirt he had worn that day. She tried so hard to hold him there but her plead had failed and he slipped away from her grip.

She missed him, she wanted him back. She wanted to wrap up in his crescent arms while he whispered romantic, calming, soul releasing words into her ear. shecapitalize the S in she wanted his voice to slither in and overtake her mind and lay a blanket of interesting details of his next move only she would like.

She dropped to her knees. A simple tear fell from her eye, a fragile tear that burst when it touched the concrete. A small dark puddle lielay on the ground, proving to her that she had to face the fact that it was done. All they had together before was really over. She stood after noticing that he stood on the wall about to jump just watching her, starring her down with those eye's. I'm confused. Is he on the wall? Why is he going to jump? I imagine this to be a pretty tall wall, like the side of a building. Perhaps explain this a little better.She looked up at him, her ocean blue eye's became dark and sinister. She felt invincible, a large burden had been lifted off her chest. She turned away proud, and marched on as if she gad been reborn. Who ever knew eye's could put someone through so much corruption.

I really liked this! The use of eyes makes it very interesting. The only thing is to make sure you use eyes without the apostrophe in this story.

Great job!

-Lauren

Hi Mrs. Chaos! Welcome to YWS!

So You started on a pretty interesting note! They were obviously very uncomfortable with each other, and that sort of conflict is pretty interesting! Now, what you're going to want to do is to make it dramatic all through out, and the way you're going to do this is by pacing out the dramatic elements and making the dramatic elements more dramatic. The way you can do that is to make it less about her and more about them. What happened to their relationship before they got physical? Why did he stop? Why is she so mad that he stopped? By focusing on them rather than she, it'll be a lot more comprehensive and lovely.

Thanks for posting this and hope this helps! Also, if you need anything else, feel free to PM me!

Hi Mrs. Chaos.

Well, as stated before. Proof reading would do your work a lot of good. It made it hard to read, and quite painful for my grammar loving self.

I noticed that you confuse your contractions a lot. When you use an apostrophe in a word, it means you are putting together two words. For example:

Is not - Isn't

But you eye's making it eye is.
Or something belonging to the eye.

What makes sense:

The cat's love to chase things. - Here you want to use the plural form of cat, which is not cat's
The cat's bowl. - This is when you would use the apostrophe, because the bowl belongs to the cat.

Enough with the grammar lesson though.
Your thoughts seem to be jumbled in this piece. You're rushing through it and not thinking. You want to dissect your idea before rushing onto the next. If you don't transitions are abrupt and messy, also losing the reader. Clear up the message you want to get across, go into more detail.

Kamas

Hey,

I liked this becasue of the descriptions and such but grammar and spelling mistakes were slightly annoying. I don't really understand what happened with the boy, you said a small dark puddle on the ground; is he dead? Are those tears?

She was crying but then suddenly became proud, proud of what him? herself? Explain it a bit more Good Job on descriptions.

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity