a broken nutshell

It's hard to see the light when you stare into countless shadows,
hidden behind the facade, a veil of drunken voices
and a chorus that impounds your heart - move your feet
before the whole floor collapses
under the weight of desperation and exhilaration.

I don't know why but your lips pause against mine,
a lull in the marching beat of the stereo, everyone
crouches in expectation, you look up and find my eyes,
you look up and the ceiling is a curtain of stars...

delusion takes over and the other people fade away,
a small crowd wavers in the distance,
but they too, whisper away like your cold breath
and in my embrace (you hide) your heart
glides through the notes, and I shiver
even though the heat is deadly.

my mouth is frozen, my teeth the ice-capped mountains
where secrets surrender themselves,
but my body is the sun, flaring with passion
and you are my universe, dark yet bright,
everlasting yet elusive, I'll never see the end of you.

hmm.. nit-picks.. and not nit-picks, comments, opinions and general comments(yes, again). sound good? good.

It's hard to see the light when you stare into countless shadows, I can't help thinking "don't look into the light" here..(yes, my mind and not-so-strange connections)
hidden behind the facade, a veil of drunken voices
and a chorus that impounds your heart - move your feet
before the whole floor collapses
under the weight of desperation and exhilaration.
oh, last three lines I like.

I don't know why but your lips pause against mine,
a lull in the marching beat of the stereo, everyone
crouches in expectation, you look up and find my eyes,
you look up and the ceiling is a curtain of stars...
for once, I rather like the repeatition of phrases

delusion takes over and the other people fade away, don't like this line as much.. too much like telling (yes, editor mode kicking in).. but I'm reluctant to say much more, becuase of the layers you have in you work.
a small crowd wavers in the distance,
but they too, whisper away like your cold breath
and in my embrace (you hide) your heart
glides through the notes, and I shiver
even though the heat is deadly.

my mouth is frozen, my teeth the ice-capped mountains
where secrets surrender themselves,
but my body is the sun, flaring with passion
and you are the universe, dark yet bright,
everlasting yet elusive, I'll never see the end of you.
ack ack ack! I like it, I don't like it. darn you. the frozen and sun seem.. not right, too me. forced, almost, but not. helpful, aren't I? ok, first part of the first line is fine, second part, nto so sure about. next line good, line after, not so good.. line after that, er.. not cliche (I don't think, anyway), but again, it doesn't seem right. last line. fine. i think it's becuase generally, you have some sort of running metaphor, and this seems a bit sudden, especially "universe", even with "stars" in the first stanza.. opposites.. ok, I'm leaving the realms of coherency, so I'll wrap up here.

This is really, really cool.

'It's hard to see the light;

Going along with what Bek said, I'd change it to 'it's hard to see light', instead.

'but my body is the sun, flaring with passion '

Bleh. Clichèd. (don't use Passion and heart/and or body in the same line, you're headed for trouble.)

'I'll never see the end of you. '

That sounds like something Arnold Schwarzanegger would say. Try "I'll never find the end of you."

Hey, that's pretty short for a critique, but it's all I got.

Er... poetically, it's nice. But there's one line that the essayist in me is screaming about.

"and a chorus that impounds your heart - move your feet"

It changes tenses! I know it's supposed to be a command of some sort, but it doesn't seem right...