Hair: Part 1

Dried tears lay on my face after the chemotherapy...the pain was immense. Dad was twining my last strand of hair through his fingers with his comforting smoky gray eyes looking at my scarred face. I could tell dad was getting depressed again. He was extremely sensitive after mom's death, and now it's worse knowing that my time to go was sometime soon. The emotional pain was hard enough to deal with along with the physical pain....every strand of hair I lost I was losing a part of me....and this one strand I had left was like the last piece of life that lay in me.
My life and my heart was tattered and left with nothing but pain and depression. Everything was too much to bear...when I was awake. Drifting away into sleep I have a dream. My dreams are technically the same every time but more powerful each time I lose a lock of my jet black hair. Blinding lights, the color of rainbow in front of me waving off an aura of happiness and a woman with the same jet black hair as mine walking out in a graceful manner. She was wearing a white mysterious yet beautiful dress that let off mist at the bottom that flowed outlining her silhouette making her angel-like. The mist covered her face making it translucent and not at all clear. In her hand I saw the jet black hair that I recognized as mine. Each dream I had, the hair in her hand had the other strand I lost on that day, but that's not the only change. Each dream, the mist that had masked the lady's face would slowly fade away making her face more distinct. She would always say something to me in a soft and soothing voice.
Your time is soon...
You'll be in a better place..

"Sweetie..."

The voice had got me out of my thoughts.."Yes daddy?"

He looked extremely hesitant to tell me then took a huge breath and said..

"I know you're sick but..I've been drafted to the army and I'm leaving in a week..I didn't want to tell you knowing you were in this condition..I'm sorry"

My mouth dropped, a tear dropped, and my last strand of hair dropped to the floor.

<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>

Sleep had finally taken over me after the tremendous dose of medicine I took had settled in my system. A few seconds later the dream had come. The bright light was as bright as it had ever been and the woman came out of the light with both hands full of my hair. I was analyzing her whole body starting from the bottom and as I slowly looked up my eyes met hers. Her eyes were twinkling and dark brown...like mine. I recognized her from one of dad's photos..his wedding photo. Was she my mom? There were so many similarities between us. "Yes I'm your mother honey", she said as if she had read my mind,"and it's almost time for you to come with me, but first you must go through the Crossing."

"What's the Crossing?"

Hope u enjoyed it! I'll start writing the second one as soon as I can

Amazing work.
I was starting to get tears in my eyes abit,

I think you could work abit more on the begining, to pull at some heart strings.
It went from sad, to briskly goin to her mother.

Great work though.

*Liked*

Thanks so much but I'd like to point out that I wanted the girl to have that huge change bc the dream was supposed to be happy so I wanted to capture the mood of her real world and her dreams

Hey Princess! Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella, and I will be your reviewer today...

I. NITPICKS

Dried tears lay on my face after the chemotherapy...the pain was immense.

Firstly, I think you only need a full stop, not a dot-dot-dot. And secondly, describe the pain that's so immense.

I could tell dad was getting depressed again.

Dad should have a capital "d."

He was extremely sensitive after mom's death, and now it's worse knowing that my time to go was sometime soon.

You just switched tense.

Drifting away into sleep I have a dream.

You had, surely?

"I know you're sick but..I've been drafted to the army and I'm leaving in a week..I didn't want to tell you knowing you were in this condition..I'm sorry"

Single dots and triple dots make sense, double ones don't. But really, I would ease up on the dot-dot-dots.

Alright.

II. REALITY

So. The girl's getting chemotherapy. Good. Great, in fact. I'm a great believer in modern medicine. The thing is, treatments are supposed to make people better. If she's only losing her hair, then she's at the beginning of her treatment, or near enough to it. And if she's getting treated, she's not going to die. Or at least, not yet. Not until they've finished the course. She can't be haviing chemotherapy and dying at the same time. I mean, if anything, it's just too tragic.

And secondly, this is a one parent family, right? So how is her father being taken to the army? He would be exempted even if conscription was in place. Where would they send the girl? It's simply not going to happen.

Tragedy is fine, but make sure you don't go overboard, because then it starts getting unrealistic.

III. TENSE

Just a note to make sure that you keep in one tense or the other-either past or present- the whole way through the piece.

IV. OVERALL

This is definitely an interesting beginning, and the end was a good hook.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Thanks for the advice Stella I'll make a revised one soon!