The Lost Greens

As I sit by the window, absorbing nature's bounty,
I see the green fields,swaying with the breeze,
As if to nod in appreciation of the scene so serene,
The river flows, with a rhythm that soothes me within,
As I sit here dazed,
The black of the city replaces the greens,
The dusk approaches to hide it all,
And the city lights replace the sparkle of the sun,
As night spreads its blanket,
I search for the twinkle of the stars in the moonlit sky.

Hey, Deepti!

As if to nod in appreciation of the scene so serene,

This line has so many syllables and small words (along with a very big word), it's quite crowded. You could say the same thing in so many different ways, and much easier by cutting down the extra word and maybe rephrasing a little. Don't be afraid to keep it simple.

The river flows, with a rhythm that soothes me within,

This is all very well, but you could try thinking beyond the ordinary life -- what else can the river do but flow? Why is the rhythm soothing?

As I sit here dazed,

This is a very short line in the middle of long ones, so it both gets lost and disturbs the flow of the poem. Also, "dazed" is quite a boring thing to say, because it's so commonly used. Again, think beyond what you know. You live the old dull life day after day (I say "you" in general) already -- why keep doing it in poetry? Poetry can be considered escapism of sorts. It allows us to do everything we never normally do, and it's great.


The ending is sweet. All in all, you've got potential. Just remember you don't always have to say "green fields" or "moonlit sky" when you want to say green fields, or moonlit sky.


Demeter
x

I think the only thing that bugs me on this piece is the same line that Demeter spoke about second; the, "As I sit here dazed" line. It definitely has too few syllables, and although it's a pretty pleasant line, it's a visible and noticable break of any length you've established or that you establish afterwards. It's just a jump.

Apart from that, It's a fancy piece. Demeter's critique is all right, but the "dazed" line is the only one that I really noticed.

Have a lucky day!