Warrior

I held you up when you would have fallen.
I used to care when you were in pain.
Warrior, now that time has been stolen.
Where have the days flown away?

With the seasons turning,
Flowers blooming and fires burning,
Will I see your kind face again?

I remember your smile on the day,
The day that they called your name.
The pride on your face,
I often wonder,
Will I see that pride again?

I liked this. There was a definite rhythm to it which really made the poem flow. I think breaking this up into stanzas where you change the rhythm would be a good idea; it gives your readers a visual cue that there's something new being introduced so they won't trip over the new rhythm.

I held you up
When you would have fallen
I used to care
When you were in pain.

I think combining the first and second lines and the third and fourth lines would work better visually. It makes the fallen/stolen a bit more intuitive.

Where have the days flown away?

I think this would be a good place for a stanza break.

With the seasons turning,
Flowers blooming and fires burning,

These two lines have very different lengths, and this throws off the rhyme.

Will I see your kind face again?

Another good last line for a stanza.

I remember your smile on the day,

Watch your spelling.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I think if you play around with the formatting a bit and tweak the rhythm a tad, this poem could become even better. :D

I agree with the above. The poem flows very well, and I much enjoyed reading it. There was a certain original twist to it.

I only noticed one thing:

Warrior, now that time has been stolen.

Instead of a period at the end of this sentence, it should be a comma.

Well done.

Classy

Stori! Been a while since I read something of yours!


I like this poem alot! I usually don't like poems that rhyme, or poems that raise questions, but here, I quite enjoyed yours usage of both. I'd just recommend keeping that extra eye out for line length, because it staggers the flow in rhythmic poetry when you don't maintain an even syllable length, you know?

Also! I'd recommend word variation so that this doesn't drop into the cliche bunch, dear.

Keep writing

June

Thank you all.

Despite its obvious lacking of imagery, this poem was compelling. It was the meaning, the feeling, the beautiful simplicity, that pulled me in, and turned the wheels inside my head. Dradian can see you put your soul into it. It was short, but very interesting!

Hope that was review was helpful (despite its obvious lacking in critizingness.}

-Mr. Realms

Alright so I'm a bit confused between the two characters involved. So it seems in the first stanza that the narrator is stronger than the other person, yet that person is the warrior. Is a bit clashing but alright. Then in stanza three it seems that the warrior is prideful and thus important to people, as its clashing now with the first stanza.

Overall a good poem, good rhyme and flow aside from maybe the middle part. Good job!

Sorry if this review isn't all that great, I'm not a real poetry reader, but here's for trying!