Sprit Sword- chapter 2

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This is the 2nd chapter of one of the books I'm writing. Comments needed.
Thanks. Midnightread :elephant:

Chapter 2
When I woke up with the sunrise, I could tell that today was going to be different. I could tell because mother-mine was hardly speaking and father-mine was avoiding me.
After I had eaten, I left the hut and instead of going to where Brandi taught sword fighting I turned the other way and walked to the outskirts of town. When I reached the Witches house, I saw the Witch standing outside, staring towards the where the Sun had just risen.
“Welcome,” she said, not turning around, “Welcome Aspen.”
I didn’t reply, I just bowed.
“Stand up, Aspen. You don’t have to bow to me. I do not believe… well never mind what I don’t believe. Do you know why you are here?”
“No,” I paused, I realised I didn’t know her name, I only knew her as the Witch.
“Well before we start, you can call me Willow.” She smiled. I did to.
“Willow,” I said, trying it out.
“Right. Now you say you don’t know why you are here.”
“Yes, Elder Abel said you would explain.”
“And so I will,” she turned and went into her hut, beckoning me to follow, “You are here to become the Spirit Warrior.”
I stared at her, “The Spirit Warrior?!”
The Spirit Warrior was part of myth and legend, she (it was always a she no matter what myth or legend it was) was the person who came to save the village whenever there was trouble.
“I thought that was just a story told to the children,” I said, my head spinning.
“Sit down, Aspen,” she steered me toward the bench, “The Spirit Warrior is not just a story, its all true.”
“But how,” I paused, collecting my scattered thoughts, “But how can I be the Spirit Warrior? I’m only a child, I won’t even get my adult name for eight sunrises.” In my village, you had the name you were given when you were born and then when you got to your fourteenth birthing-day, you go before the village adults and they would give you a name that would suit your strength. Kai’s name was Fly True because his arrow always flew straight and true, no matter what the weather was like. Willow then spoke again, “The Spirit Warrior has always been young, but that part of the story has been lost over time and only a few people can remember. The Spirit Warrior has always started to learn how to be the Spirit Warrior seven sunrises before their fourteenth birthing-day. They have those sunrises to learn how to control their spirit powers.”
“Their what!?” I said. I had never heard, in any story I had ever been told, that the Spirit Warrior had powers.
“Their powers, Aspen. They can control their spirit and turn it into pretty much anything, like a sword or an arrow that never misses, but to use the sword or arrow or what has been created, they have to be able to concentrate.”
“How do you mean?” I asked, “How can I concentrate my spirit? I can’t even see it.”
“You will learn to see your spirit, to concentrate on it and how to create what you might need,” Willow smiled, “While you are learning, you will be expected to stay here with me.”
“But why? Why can’t I stay with my family?” I was close to tears having heard this.
“I’m sorry but you can’t. While you are learning to control your spirit you are at risk of having a spirit attack,” Willow said, rubbing my arm.
“What is a spirit attack?” I asked.
“A spirit attack happens when you have a bad dream. It means that your spirit is hard to control and can hurt or kill those around you,” she stopped rubbing my arm and stood up, “Your parents know you will be sleeping here.”
I thought back to earlier, so that was why they had been so wary of me. Willow then started talking again, “For the rest of the day, you and I will have to leave the village. It’s safer that way,” she smiled again, “Come on then,” she said, pulling me upright, “Lets go.” When she’d finished talking she went out of the door to her hut and began walking towards the village entrance. By the time we had got to the gate, I was sure that everyone was staring at me, walking along beside Willow. Once I could have been sure that Kimi had been whispering to one of her friends whilst staring at me as I passed.
“Ignore them, Aspen. They don’t know why you are with me and if they did, they would want to be you,” Willow said as she walked out of the gate and into the forest beyond. We walked for another few minutes, past the river that was the villages water supply. We then walked past some of the traps the hunters had laid and then we came into the most beautiful clearing I had ever seen. “I have never seen this place before. How is that?” I asked, looking at Willow.
“I would have been surprised if you had. This is a hidden place, only a few people can get here and see the beauty,” Willow smiled, “Come on, there is someone I think you should meet.” She then lead me to the far side of the clearing and then she pushed aside some bushes at the base of the biggest tree on the edge of the clearing. “What is this?” I asked, looking up at Willow.
“This has been the home of the Spirit Warrior since the first of them saved the village. They would not live in the village so the first of them built this little hideaway out here. They could still hear if the village was in trouble but they were far enough away that they could concentrate on gaining better control over their spirit, because no matter how long you are the Spirit Warrior for, there is always something new to learn.” Willow then stopped talking and walked into the tunnel that had been hidden behind the leaves.


I hope you like this.
Last edited by midnightread on Wed May 26, 2010 4:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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When I woke up with the sunrise, I could tell that today was going to be different. I could tell because mother-mine was hardly speaking and father-mine was avoiding me.
After I had eaten, I left the hut and instead of going to where Brandi taught sword fighting, I turned the other way and walked to the outskirts take out space between out and skirts of town. When I reached the Witches house, I saw the Witch standing outside, outside is one word staring towards the where the Sun had just risen.
“Welcome,” she said, not turning around, “Welcome Aspen.”
I didn’t reply, I just bowed.
“Stand up, Aspen. You don’t have to bow to me. I do not believe… well never mind what I don’t believe. Do you know why you are here?”
“No,” I paused,peroid after paused I realised I didn’t know her name, I only knew her as the Witch.
“Well before we start, you can call me Willow.” She smiled. I did to.
“Willow,” I said, trying it out.
“Right. Now you say you don’t now know why you are here.”
“Yes, Elder Abel said you would explain.”
“And so I will,” she turned and went into her hut, beckoning me to follow, “Right, take out right, it inturrupts sentance fluency you are here to become the Spirit Warrior.”
I stared at her, “The Spirit Warrior?!”
The Spirit Warrior was part of myth and legend, she (it was always a she no matter what myth or legend it was) was the person who came to save the village whenever there was trouble.
“I thought that was just a story told to the children,” I said, my head swimming. perhaps use another verb, swimming doesnt make sense to me
“Sit down, Aspen,” she steered me toward the bench;comma, not ; “The Spirit Warrior is not just a story, it's all true.”
“But how,” I paused, collecting my scattered thoughts, “But how can I be the Spirit Warrior? I’m only a child! I won’t even get my adult name for eight sunrises.” In my village, you had the name you were given when you were born and then when you got to your fourteenth birthing-day, you would take out would go before the village adults and they would give you a name that would suit your strength. This sentance could be split up into 2 or 3 Kai’s name was Fly True because his arrow always flew straight and true, no matter what the weather was like. Willow then spook [color=#FF0000]spoke[/color] again, “The Spirit Warrior has always been young, but that part of the story has been lost over time and only a few people can remember. The Spirit Warrior has always started to learn how to be the Spirit Warrior seven sunrises before their fourteenth birthing-day. They have those sunrises to learn how to control their spirit powers.”
“Their what!?” I said. I had never heard, in any story I had ever been told, that the Spirit Warrior had powers.
“Their powers, Aspen. They can control their spirit and turn it into pretty much anything, like a sword or an arrow that never misses, but to use the sword or arrow or what has been created, they have to be able to concentrate.”
“How do you mean?” I asked, “How can I concentrate my spirit, ? add a question mark instead of a comma I can’t even see it.”
“You will learn to see your spirit and to concentrate on it and how to create what you might need,” You should say, "You will learn to see your spirit, how to concentrate on it, and how to create what you might need," Willow smiled, “While you are learning, you will be expected to stay here with me.”
“But why. question mark instead of period Why can’t I stay with my family?” I was close to tears having heard this.
“I’m sorry but you can’t. While you are learning to control your spirit you are at risk of having a spirit attack,” Willow said, rubbing my arm.
“What is a spirit attack?” I asked.
“A spirit attack happens when you have a bad dream. It means that your spirit is hard to control and can hurt or kill those around you,” she stopped rubbing my arm and stood up, “Your parents know you will be sleeping here.”
I thought back to earlier, so that was why they had been so wary of me. Willow then started talking again, “For the rest of the day, you and I will have to leave the village. It’s safer that way,” she smiled again, period instead of comma “Come on then,” she said, pulling me upright, run-on sentance, period instead of comma “Lets go.” When she’d finished talking she walked out of the door to her hut and began walking towards the village entrance. walked appears twice in this sentance, perhaps change on of the 'walk's to jog or saunter. By the time we had got to the gate, I was sure that everyone was staring at me, walking along beside Willow, End sentance after Willow and capitalize once once I could have been sure that Kimi had been whispering to one of her friends whilst staring at me as I passed.
“Ignore them, Aspen. They don’t know why you were are with me and if they did, they would want to be you,” Willow said as she walked out of the gate and into the forest beyond. We walked for another few minutes, past the river that was the village's water supply, past some of the traps the hunters had laid and then we came into the most beautiful clearing I had ever seen. split this sentance up into two “I have never seen this place before. How is that?” I asked, looking at Willow.
“I would have been surprised if you had. This is a hidden place, only a few people can get here and see the beauty,” Willow smiled, “Come on, there is someone I think you should meet.” She then lead me to the far side of the clearing and then she pushed aside some bushes at the base of the biggest tree on the edge of the clearing. “What is this?” I asked, looking up at Willow.
“This has been the home of the Spirit Warrior since the first of them saved the village. They would not live in the village so the first of them built this little hid a way hideaway out here where they could still hear if the village was in trouble but they were far enough away that they could concentrate on gaining better control over their spirit, because no matter how long you are the Spirit Warrior for, there is always something new to learn.” split last sentance up into 2 or 3 Willow then stopped talking and walked into the tunnel that had been hidden behind the leaves.


Hey!

Great story!

I loved how you encorporated new words, such as father-mine and mother-mine! You used awesome detail and I was able to picture the surroundings of the main characters.

You had some run-on sentances, and I noticed you used the word, 'then' a lot. I would focus on other transitioning words.

Inform me when you post Chapter 3!

*Taylor* :thud: :thud: :smt005
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.



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