Beauty

Beauty

Close your eyes, can't you smell it?
That sweetness on the breeze,
That tells the story of a hundred flowers distant and unseen.
The scrumptious aroma,
As it wafts off of mom's fresh bake.
The fruity hint of shampoo,
You get when you hug a friend.

Stick out your tongue, can't you taste it?
The familiar spices,
drifting out of a restaurant onto the street.
The taste of a pen between your teeth,
chewing it whilst you ponder.
The salty tingle of a tear,
as it cascades down your cheek.

Shush, can't you hear it?
The whispers in a breath,
that tells you there is still life around.
The pop of a bubble,
rising to the surface
The rhythm of a thousand raindrops,
assembling a puddle.

Pause, can't you feel it?
The fingers of the wind,
trailing lightly on your skin.
The warmth and comfort in a hug,
that makes you smile from ear to ear.
The smooth canvas of your life,
awaiting you first stroke.

Look now, can't you see it?
The innocence in a child's laugh,
that warms you deep, deep down.
Those silvery waters in the lake,
that have traveled oh so far.
The glimmer of a snowflake,
as it melts upon your palm.

This my child, is beauty,
unaltered and untainted.


Thanks for all of your reviews, I've taken them into my rewrite

Hey there!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here!

Anyway, I found this was truly original with bags of effect and imagery from start to end.

Close your eyes, can't you smell it?

This was a brilliant, hooking first line.

that tells you there still is life around.

I'd rephrase this as: "that tells you there is still life around."
This is my main nitpick. You need to have a quick revision of fluency to make sure your punctuation and structure of language is easily read.

as it cascades down your cheek.

Your choice of language is so colourful its so fun to read! It conveys emotion powerfully and not many poems can pack the imagery to do that, so well done.

This my child, is beauty,
unaltered and untainted.

Wondeful ending and there's a good tone created by the voice of the poem. I particularly like how you've transformed from the 2nd person narrative to a touch of first person pronoun in the one from last line. Well written and definately well structured.

Keep this up! So glad you've joined.
Ben

I loved this. Like Ben said, it was dun to read. My favorite was that last line. I really liked it because it was kind of explaining the whole poem without being too obvious. I hope to see more of your writing in the future. Great job!

Oh, man! I wish I could like a work more than once on here, because that was just wonderful. From start to end, you captivated me, and I don't feel like you tried to force out your message, but instead let it speak for itself. Just amazing. One of my favorites, for sure.

Stick out your tongue, can't you feel it?
The familiar spices,
drifting out of a restaurant onto the street.
The taste of a pen between your teeth,
chewing it whilst you ponder.
The salty tingle of a tear,
as it cascades down your cheek.

My only nitpick is that you change feel to taste, or something else. You already have feel later on in the poem, and you could use a little contrast. Also, since you say "the taste of a pen," it contradicts with what you originally stated, and it can't be "can't you feel the taste of a pen..." Does that make sense? I hope so.

But that was the only thing! Altogether, I absolutely loved this! And-- what?! You're thirteen? I read your poem and expected you to be seventeen or something. Your talent precedes you, dear friend....

Oh, nice! I like how you used all the senses in order to give a clear picture as to what is beautiful... it really helped give the poem a real feeling to it, which is completely awesome!

Now, to make this poem a little stronger, you might consider varying your structure of the poem. Instead of starting off every stanza with an order, try doing something else. It'll give it variety and zing... and we love that in poetry.

Still, nice poem! *likes*

Oooh. I liked this, actually, a lot. The senses you used, very nice. Like Snoinkers said, I'd consider varying the structure. I think stanzas would work well, instead of just one long poem.
This is very nice. In the end, I loved the last two lines a whole lot.
Tata.
-Mizz

hey,
Wow, that was beautiful! you used all the senses to create what
people usually think they can only see. Also, your sentences,
and descriptions immediatly give the reader a picture, or smell, or even
taste which they can relate to.
I also LOVED

The rhythm of a thousand raindrops,
assembling a puddle.

Such a unique sentence!

Another beutiful image was

The glimmer of a snowflake,
as it melts upon your palm

Just a bit of advice (which you can ignore if you like)maybe
you could change it to

that makes you smile from ear to ear.

Just because it seems more natural.

Sorry my comments aren't that interesting.. it's because
I dont have any criticisms to make and so can only say a million times that
i loved your poem. I really did
xox
T

Hey there!

I loved this, I really did. It's an original poem which has beautiful imagery, how could I not?

However, you do need to watch out for this:

The salty tingle of a tear,
as it cascades down your cheek.

Here, the two images don't really fit together very well. You've basically got this wonderful idea of the 'tingle of a tear', which I find beautiful, contrasting with the idea of 'cascading', which is an overdone description for crying, really. You might want to rethink that a little.

Nice work!

~Amy

Beautiful! I loved it!

I really, really like this. You describe loads of different things without making it seem cluttered, and I love the message that it sends about all the different beauty of life. I think you could use a better word than "stick" in the second stanza, it just sounds a bit informal somehow, and I think if you said "can you" in every stanza instead of "can't you", it would sound a bit better because at the moment you're implying that the person doesn't seem to be able to at the moment, whereas "can you" would sound more like you're asking a person, while still trying to teach them, but they can say yes, if that makes sense. This is really good as it is, though. Great job!

This poem is one hundred percent pure and beautiful! I wish I was the one who wrote it.
What I love most about it is each of the lines that start each stanza. You change the first words as well.

Close your eyes, can't you smell it?

Stick out your tongue, can't you taste it?

Shush, can't you hear it?

Pause, can't you feel it?

Look now, can't you see it?

I also love the word choice. It defiantly emphasizes not only the beauty of the poem, but what you really feel and how you describe it.

Therefore, wonderful job!!