Incisive Coalition

Vivisect me; we’re all just parts and pieces,
even when we’re connected. Let’s explore
the openings - but never minds –
and keep for us those treasures
that we reap – but not the ideas they inspire.
Are you not The Physician waiting for patients?
No, you have your tongue in cheek, rubbing
against decaying teeth, hesitating
before your masquerade can begin.
This street surgery cannot last forever,
But I’m willing to play – pull out the scalpel,
I’ll show you which roads cross my heart.
There’s a certain kind of dance in your palms,
they flicker like lamps in snow; guttering,
even as you cut deeper. Your hands have none of
the burlesque in them, they have no mystery.
As I lay below your tears, they still
and I am -
cold.

I hate it when someone writes a poem which gives me nothing to criticize. Telling you what's good is still helpful, aye? xD
Well, I love the ending, the way you isolate that last word. Also, your imagery is great, I love the way you write, the overall tone of your poem...and I hope the next person can be more helpful and tell you what's rubbish about it. Oh, this:

You have your tongue in cheek, rubbing
against decaying teeth, hesitating

is a bit gross. Yep, that's it!

Karmic points right off the bat for using the word "vivisect." It's a wonderful one, i'n it?

I must agree with Mr. Bellamy above: I can't find much of anything to critique. My personal favorite set of lines would have to "Let’s explore / the openings - but never minds – / and keep for us those treasures / that we reap – but not the ideas they inspire."

"Are we not physicians waiting for our patients? / This street surgery cannot last forever" is a close second, though; the implications of physicians and street surgeries are rather interesting in the larger context.

Though I'll agree with Mr. Bellamy again--the decaying teeth thing really is pretty gnarly.

Your hands have none of

the shiver of the burlesque in them, they have no

mystery.

This is the only thing I stumbled on when I read this; halted the flow. I suggest nixing "the shiver of" so it reads "Your hands have none of the burlesque in them, they have no mystery."

Otherwise, very good.

My favorite was:

"No, you have your tongue in cheek, rubbing

against decaying teeth, hesitating

before your masquerade can begin."

... and the rest, as they say, is history.

Thanks so much for critiquing this, guys! ^^

I'm glad you all liked it, I worked a little on it, so I really appreciate it.

Thanks once again.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Include this!

Hi, Penguin, dear.

First, if you need any clarification or can't read my handwriting, please tell me.

Second, off we go.





One thing I would suggest is splitting up the poem into stanzas. Second stanza beginning at line six, third stanza beginning at line thirteen.

Hope this helps,
Cal.