Lonely

Lonely

Lonely isn’t a person,
Who can I blame?
Lonely isn’t a thing,
What can I blame?



Maybe lonely is its own category,
Thrown into the story of my life.
Written in red ink,
Cutting through the black pages.
Maybe even ripping the pages.



And every tear I shed
The paper rips again.
I flip to a new page,
Hoping it might be white.



But it’s not.
And life goes on.
And the paper rips again.

Hey, you know me. It's Light_Devil, or LD as some abbreviating-lovers enjoy to refer to me as, and I'm here to be your reviewer today.

*clears throat* Well, let us start . . .

Kaywiia wrote:Lonely isn’t a person,
Who can I blame?
Lonely isn’t a thing,
What can I blame?

Can I just say I loved the opening? I feel like that sometimes. I just want to blame it, but it's not really anything *sigh*.

Cutting through the black #FF0000 ">pages.
Maybe even ripping the #FF0000 ">pages.

Argh. Pet hate of mine. Same word in the same stanza/paragraph. I'd suggest something like parchment or the such. Other than that - very nice.

And every tear I shed
The paper rips again.
I flip to a new page,
#FF0000 ">Hoping it might be white.

I like this, but I'm not sure the last line is what you thought. Do you mean blank or flawless? Or just white? I had a strange brain lapse trying to get that.

But it’s not.
#FF0000 ">And life goes on.
And the paper rips again.

Ohhh. Please, get rid of the first "and". It's not needed. Also, the second "and" is not needed, but you can keep it, if you want. I liked the ending. Very nice.

Overall:

I enjoyed it; short and sweet . I think you've limited your skills with the lack of words; I'd like you to try expanding your vocabulary and attempting some new words which flow elegantly and look good as well as describe wonderfully. On the plus - I could see it, with some nice imagery, and I could connect with it. And that is what poetry is meant to do, so very well done. *Applauds you*

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

I really like how this poem starts. But I'm not sure what it is, but I don't really like the bits about the pages. I don't know why. I think maybe it's the repetition. Perhaps you just need something more in there, and to expand your vocabularly like Light_Devil! said. It just could do with something more, perhaps some more description or detail that will help the reader empathise with you even more. Play around with it and have fun.

Hi. Kate here. I'll be your reviewer for today.

Lonely isn’t a person,
Who can I blame?
Lonely isn’t a thing,
What can I blame?

By golly, the poem meets up to my expectations... but don't rejoice yet. The expectations are not as good as you think they are.

Again with these questions with no answers and no sense! They seem to always linger in every single poem I read! Why, oh, why, do writers keep asking questions instead of stating images, just like what we're supposed to do when it comes to poetry? Sigh. Even though I am quite amused by the wit of this stanza (it is witty, believe me) it is still a bit off because of, well, these questions. No questions in poetry. Just images. Images that make sense, vivid or vague. And you don't have any images anywhere in this stanza, don't you? Now you know what you need to work on next time.

Maybe lonely is its own category,
Thrown into the story of my life.
Written in red ink,
Cutting through the black pages.
Maybe even ripping the pages.

This is an example of what I'd like to call "emoemoclicheemo". It ruins the rhythm you established in the first stanza. The change of meters does not go well, too. Whatever effect you were trying to infuse in this, it certainly did not work. All it did was fluster me. You've heard of this thing called rhythm, right? Might be a good time to brush up on it. I'm not trying to sound hypocritical or anything; I'm not perfect in it either, but still, it never hurt to try, doesn't it? The imagery is also too literal and therefore very bland. I suggest more profound images, or, if you fail to construct such with simple wording, deeper words.

And every tear I shed
The paper rips again.
I flip to a new page,
Hoping it might be white.

Same "EECE" syndrome, like stated in the above. And how can a tear rip paper?

But it’s not.
And life goes on.
And the paper rips again.

This ending annoys me. It does not summarize anything you have said in the first three stanzas, and I don't even think it has relevance to the entire poem at all. You're just... stating, not concluding. And the imagery does not make sense, nor does it tie to the rest of the ideas in your piece at all. A bit below average, this one, but I applaud you for trying your hand at this. Don't worry, with experience, you'll grow even better. Keep writing, okay? Don't let this get you down. Remember, mistakes lead to improvement.


I hope this helps. PM me if you need anything else.

Toodles.

~Kate

Hi Kayla!

The beginning was possibly my favourite bit in this poem, although maybe it was the repetition that made it seem like lacking something. Also, I couldn't help thinking you had chosen the wrong word... I mean, of course lonely isn't a person or a thing, it's an adjective. Maybe "loneliness" would fit the general idea better, or maybe the whole point of it was to make me wonder about this. Anyway, I like the compactness of the stanza.

But then it becomes a little rambling. I recognise this very well, because for the longest time it was how I would write my poetry. There is that certain stream of consciousness aspect to it, but it's very hard to execute without getting off-track and out of the flow. I don't really like the repetition of "pages", either.

And every tear I shed
The paper rips again.

This doesn't really make sense... do you mean that the paper rips everytime you shed a tear? I think you're missing a preposition here.

I flip to a new page,
Hoping it might be white.

This is a really nice image, but the wording makes it sound abrupt, and I would appreciate it if you tried to make it a bit more discreet. To sum up: good idea, bad execution.

The ending's but-and-and scheme is a bit... risky. Generally, I wouldn't recommend it being presented like that, you know, with every line as its own sentence and all. It makes it sound choppy.


Overall, I think you do show potential! Just focus on transferring the magic from your brains to the paper. PM me for any questions!


Demeter
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