The Guardians

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1449
Reviews 11
Hey this is part two of the book I'm writing. Please review, thank you
Keira.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

“What’s going on kiddo?” His rugged voice asked lowly as he popped his neck, twice. I shrugged knowing he could see me with his peripheral vision.
“I haven’t a clue. Base told me it was a simple one person escort. Apparently it got complicated somehow.” My voice sounded loud to my sensitive ears. He grunted as he rolled his intense green eyes.
“Doesn’t it always?” Another rough voice whispered from the other side of Colton. I turned to see Will also lying stretched out his cow licked russet hair sparking with blue electricity. “For real.” Lizzie said from where Jamie and she had squished themselves up against the fallen tree. I nodded once again studying the old house.
It wasn’t remarkable in anyway. With chipped and fading white paint, crooked grey shutters, and a sagging roof it looked old but normal.
“I figured I’d change and run patrol in case something is after them.” Colton said as he slowly stood. I glanced at him as I also stood. Now I’m not a tall person, it doesn’t take much to pass me up but Colton towered over me. His favorite black trench coat was open revealing his bare chest.
“Sounds good. Sparky and I will slip in through that window above the porch while Tizzy and Casper knock. Casper keep us all linked I got a bad feeling and I don’t want any surprises.” Everyone shook their heads in agreement after I spoke.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I jogged to Will barely placing my foot in his cupped hands. He tossed and I lightly flew up landing silently on the roof. I leaned over reaching down to him. After he backed up a bit he ran, jumped, and grabbed my hand and I swung him easily up and over me. He landed with only slightly less grace than me, just a small thud picked up by my super sensitive ears.
“Show off.” He said grouchily, rotating his shoulder as we began to ease up to the window. I am so very mature; I stuck my tong out at him. He rolled his eyes as he leaned gently against the window shutter. I took a deep breath making myself concentrate. I stepped up to the window. Then I put my right hand over the area where the latch should be. Click. I turned giving Will a smug look.
He ignored me as he pushed open the now unlocked window. Sometimes it is cool to be me, sometimes.
“Ladies first.” I whispered to Will as I let him creep through before me. Below us I could hear the stupid jingle of the doorbell sounding. Slowly I slink into the house.
I landed with a hand on the floor to steady myself. Will had already made it to the door and he seemed to be listening for noise on the other side. Immediately I gave the room a cursory onceover. Off white walls, twin bed, dresser and a night stand. No danger that I could see.
My body was suddenly flying through the air. I somersaulted into that harmless looking nightstand. I felt the lamp shatter beneath me and the wood bust. The glass sliced into my green flannel shirt and carves the skin on my back. I groaned as I rolled off the smashed wood clenching my jaw as my skin healed, shoving the glass shards out.
My head snapped up as I heard Will’s cough. He was lying in a heap five foot away from the destroyed door rubbing his head.
“What the heck just hit us?!” I hissed, jumping up in perfect condition once again. Looking up I watched the dust particles swirl down the hall. I threw myself to the right but whatever it was clipped my shoulder spinning me in the air. I landed close to Will, who was on his hands and knees. Sucking in air through my gritted teeth I tried to calm myself enough to concentrate.
I could actually see the electricity running through Will’s veins on his arms. He stretched his neck out turning his head to the side as he clenched his jaw. When his eyes met mine I saw the blue streaks sparking through his irises. I jerked my chin towards the door where I could feel the floor vibrating again. Will winked and then I was standing faster than humanly possible.
Right before it reached me I thrust out my hands palms together and released a blast of energy. I imagine it felt like slamming head first into a brick wall and it stopped whatever it was right in it’s tracks. I then felt the shockwave of the electrical current as Will zapped whatever it was attacking us, hurling it through the wall. I looked over at Will with my eyebrows raised. He wore a smug look as he dusted off his jacket casually.
“Now who’s showing off?” I asked him causally as though we hadn’t just got thrown around like rag dolls.
“Ladies first, Jinxy.” He said nodding to the hole in the drywall trying not to laugh. I glared at him with my best I-know-where-you-sleep-so-watch-yourself- look but before I could say anything I heard footsteps on the stairs. Automatically I crouched down into a defensive stance. I tapped my ear and pointed towards the hall. Will moved to the edge of the door, flattening himself against the wall, waiting.
I jumped lightly over the broken door lying on the floor and kneeled at the end of the bed. Placing my hand on the floor I tried to feel what was coming at us.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7250
Reviews 57
Overall, I wasn't really hooked by this story. The premise is interesting and it looks fairly original, but it doesn't read very well. There are a few grammatical errors that you should be able to spot if you read through it again, and some things that just don't sound right. Let's look at the first paragraph

“What’s going on kiddo?” His rugged voice asked lowly as he popped his neck, twice. I shrugged knowing he could see me with his peripheral vision.

1. There should be a comma been "on" and "kiddo".
2. Unless the speaker isn't visible, you say the name, not "his voice" or "the voice"
3. "Lowly" is not an adjective to use to describe a voice. "Deep" would be better. "Lowly" is typically used like, "the lowly servant".
4. No comma between neck and twice. Also, popping his neck? That sounds gross.
5. There should be a comma between "shrugged" and "knowing".
6. "See me with his peripheral vision" sounds awkward. Try, "he could see me through the corner of his eye".

Other nitpicks:
He tossed and I lightly flew up landing silently on the roof.

Get rid of either "lightly" or "silently". Adverbs used in quick succession like that slow down the story.

The glass sliced into my green flannel shirt and carves the skin on my back.

Tense change. It should be "carved", not "carves". Stick with one tense (in your case the past tense).

My head snapped up as I heard Will’s cough. He was lying in a heap five foot away from the destroyed door rubbing his head.

Feet, not foot.
http://maxhelmberger.com/
Advice on writing, funny articles, and more.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15421
Reviews 158
Hi rustic_rebel
I really like The Guardians. I get the feeling that the characters aren't completly human.
I only have a few nit-picks
turned to see Will also lying stretched out, his cow licked russet hair sparking with blue electricity.
Needs a comma since it is extra detail.
Casper keep us all linked, I got a bad feeling and I don’t want any surprises.”

But I really like it. I've read the other bit and I really got into the story. :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.



Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief