Life As A Two-Finned Freak *Still thinking of a better name*

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1275
Reviews 5
ONE


Oh Man. He’s so cute!
There I go again, sitting in English staring at Connor Silverman. What was wrong with me? That’s all I seem to do now-a-days.
‘Trix, you’re doing it again.’ my best friend Alana whispered. I managed a small smile, my gaze still glued to the most gorgeous boy on the planet. I would talk to Alana later, during Maths.
Anyway, little did I know that later, my life would change dramatically.
You see, strange stuff’s been happening to me, ever since I turned sixteen. I try to wash up after dinner and my legs go all funny, like I’m going to fall over. I dry my hands, and it stops.
‘Trixie! What is the purpose of an apostrophe?’ my English teacher cut through my thoughts.
‘Um.. Is it to um.. To-uh.. I know what it is.. I just can’t put it into words.’ that was the honest truth.
‘Detention, Miss Smith. Not paying attention.’ Out teachers were really harsh. Oh well, what’s an hour after school going to do to anyone? On the bright side, I’d managed to draw attention to myself and Connor was one of the people giving me attention.
When the bell eventually rang, I was almost asleep. Lucky I had Alana to talk to in Maths or I would have been out for the count!

Fractions. Yay! Not. Just as I was away to start Exercise 2, a piece of paper landed in front of me from Alana.

What was all that about in English?

Dunno. My mind was elsewhere.

Connor?

Partly.

Why don’t you just ask him out?

Are you crazy?

Maybe I am. So if Connor wasn’t the only thing on your mind.. What else was?



‘It’s nothing. Honestly.’ I scrumpled up the note and threw it in the bin. Our Maths teacher was practically deaf anyway so he probably didn’t notice how loud everyone was talking. Or should I say shouting?
‘Fair enough. So what you gonna do about Connor?’ Alana slouched in her seat and started tapping her pen off her jotter.
I thought for a minute. Me and Connor were kind of friends. And by kind of, I mean we sometimes talk, sometimes IM each other and sometimes meet up and go out with our friends together in one big group.
I’d always thought he was beautiful. He was a head taller than me, had longish brown-black hair, was kinda freckly (in a good way) and had an awesome personality.
‘I’m not sure. Maybe we should find out if he likes me first before I do anything.’ I suggested. Alana nodded in approval, ‘Sounds good. I’ll try and find out for you.’ Her and Connor were really good friends. Like, extremely good friends.
Before we could discuss things further, our teacher stood up and told everyone to be quiet. Not that he would know. It might have something to do with the fact that Jordan had just pinged a ruler from one side of the room to the other.

Five more minutes. Then I would be free. I was stuck in detention with two creeps, John and Harry. They spent practically all their time here. I wasn’t fond of them, but they were funny. When I wasn’t day dreaming about Connor, I was laughing at them.
When we were finally told we could go, they threw whatever it was they were working on up in the air and ran out shouting, ‘Freedom! Freedom!’ But I, maturely, packed everything away neatly and calmly walked out the room.
I checked the time on my phone. It was only half past four, so I walked a bit slower. Dinner was at five and I didn’t have to walk far to get home.
As usual, it was roasting and everyone was going about in their convertibles with the tops down. Just a normal day here in Australia.
I’d moved here from England when I was eight. It had taken a while to get used to all the sunshine when I had woken up to rain and wind half the time back in England.
The best part: We were just by the ocean. You just had to walk down the road, past the café and you were there. I got used to that almost instantly.
The worst part: There was only a fifteen minute walk to school. But I dealt with it because I had Alana to walk with. Advantages of having your best friend ever living right next door to you. Alana was way better than any of my English friends. I would trust her with my life.
I picked up the Australian accent quite fast. My broad English had made me stand out and feel weird so I adapted.
Anyway, I’m almost home and feeling kind of hungry. I hadn’t met anyone on the street which was unusual.
‘Ah, Trixie Smith. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.’ I twirled round to find an old-ish lady standing smiling at me. She looked to be about sixty.
‘What?’ I was freaked out. Seriously.
‘I know more about you than you could even begin to imagine.’ she continued. Okay. So I was in the middle of the street talking to someone I’d never met before and she claims to know more about me than me!
‘Sorry, but who are you?’ I quickly scanned the street for anyone else she could be talking to, but not a soul in sight. Except the show-offs zooming around in their flashy cars.
‘It’s in your blood. You’re next in line to receive it.’ she said seriously, then turned and walked off with a fair bit of speed for an old lady. I was left staring open-mouthed after her.
Shaking my head, I carried on walking. That was too weird. As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Who did she think she was? I bet somebody paid her to do it. That’s it. Somebody playing a stupid prank in an attempt to scare me. Well.. It worked!
My only other option was that she really meant it, but that was a scary thing to think about.
I hurried the rest of the way home, my mind tying itself into knots trying to figure out why I just got approached by a total stranger.
Maybe it had something to do with superstition? I had always been superstitious, which is why I insisted on getting a white cat when we moved here. I also believe in a few myths for some reason, such as magic and mermaids-
Nah.. That’s just stupid. For a moment there I thought I could actually be a mermaid. But that’s just plain idiotic. I’ve been watching way to much TV!

After dinner, and a row for getting detention, I went up to my room to check my e-mails. The puzzling thing is, I had an e-mail from someone named Anonymous. I couldn’t reply either. It read:

I CAN HELP YOU BUT YOU NEED TO TRUST ME. I CAN ANSWER YOU RPROBLEMS. YOU HAVE A GIFT. IT’S IN YOUR BLOOD. YOU’RE THE NEXT IN LINE TO RECEIVE IT. ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO ACTIVATE IT IS:

GET INTO THE BATH TONIGHT WHEN THE MOON IS AT ITS BRIGHTEST
BLANK YOUR MIND OF EVERYTHING
STAY LIKE THIS FOR FIVE MINUTES

ONCE THE CHANGES HAVE TAKEN PLACE, NOTHING MORE WILL HAVE TO BE SAID OR DONE.
GOOD LUCK.

What was all that about? I barely understood that! I was going to do it anyway, just out of curiosity.
Locking myself in the bathroom, I began rushing my bath. It was getting dark outside and a full moon was just visible. By the time I was in the bath, the moon was shining in brightly from the window, lighting up the bathroom.
Taking a deep breath, I emptied my mind of everything. Thought of nothing. It was just a big, vast empty space of nothingness. I felt the beam of the moon on my face, penetrating the darkness.
That’s when my legs went all stiff and tingly. I leaned back and flexed my legs to try get rid of the weird feeling, but I couldn’t. I could barely feel them anymore. They felt very airy and non-existence.
My eyes opened as I frowned in confusion. Looking down, I only just manage a scream at what I saw.

WHERE WERE MY LEGS?!

In their place was a light icy blue fish tail with traces of silver in it. It was a shade lighter than my eyes and the mini tank-top thing I was suddenly wearing.
‘Okay. Don’t panic.’ I kept telling myself to remain calm, but my mind was saying different. How could this have happened? How could this run in my blood?
With great difficulty, I managed to gab a mirror off the windowsill. I didn’t look all that hideous. My honey blonde hair was down and wet, even though it was dry and tied back when I’d first got in. My tail actually wasn’t scaly, as told in stories and legends. It was smooth and hard looking, like a dolphin, but it was soft to touch and light as air, making it easy for me to move around.
Dropping the mirror to the floor, I flipped my fins around. I giggled at how weird that sounded. Besides, it was kinda fun…
Mulling over what the e-mail said, I realised that this would happen every time my skin made contact with water.
I had to tell someone, but nobody would believe me. Alana! She would! Wait.. This is huge. I would be classed as a freak and someone might rat me out to a science lab. What will I do?
My bathroom is pretty big and I’m gonna need to get out. It took me about ten minutes to haul myself out of the bath and onto the floor without making too much noise.
Hold on a minute… How do I change back? I just lay there on the floor, pondering over it. I felt my tail slowly dehydrating. Once it was dry, I gave a little poof and my tail was gone. I had my legs back.
Quickly jumping in to a pair of pyjamas, I ran back through to my room and flopped down on the bed. I wanted to sleep and then wake up in the morning, all of this being a very vivid dream. Then I could get on with my normal every day life.
But lying doing nothing seemed to make things worse. So I decided that after school tomorrow, I was going down to the beach to try out my new.. “ability”. Noticing that my computer was still running, I went to IM Alana. Hopefully she’d spoken to Connor.

TrixieChik says: Hey.
AlanaBanana says: Hey. What’s up?
TrixieChik says: Nothin Much. U?
AlanaBanana says: Same. I spoke to Connor.
TrixieChik says: Really? Wat did he say? I need some good news!
Alana Banana says: He said he thot u were really pretty. Not sure about being more than friends.
TrixieChik says: Omg. If only he knew….

I didn’t mean to send that! No! Oh crap! That’s gonna lead to really complicate questions!

AlanaBanana says: Knew wat?
AlanaBanana says: Trix? Answer me!
AlanaBanana says: TRIXIE!

I went offline and shut down the computer. At least Connor thought I was pretty. I’d deal with Alana tomorrow.
Tomorrow. My blood chilled and I froze. I had PE tomorrow and we were on our swimming block. When I’d entered the pool before, the tingling and stiffness had gotten really bad. Almost unbearable, but that’s before I went and changed everything. There was no way to reverse what I’d done. Absolutely none.
Tomorrow, I was gonna get hell from Alana for ignoring her.
Tomorrow, things were going to get complicated. Extremely complicated.
Tomorrow, I start a new life.




This is my first post so I'm sorry if it sucks or if its too cheesy :lol: xx
Last edited by KaylaLovesATL_x on Thu Dec 31, 2009 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 990
Reviews 4
Sooo good Mikayla !
it's really addicting aswell !
and it's not cheesy, its cute !
you definitely should put more on :D
It's really good ! :D

laura xxxxxxxxx
Last edited by whyIsItAlwaysMe on Thu Dec 31, 2009 7:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Loved you yesterday....love you still....always have....and always will......




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1513
Reviews 4
Hi
MiKayla, it really did not suck. It was great but I you should know this because I've already told you like a million times before!
I really liked your ending - the way you kept repeating the word 'tomorrow' really gripped me. You should post the next part when you get the chance.
I also quite liked how you described the scene when she first transformed, your description was good.
People have to read this!
Last edited by VulpixLover on Fri Jan 01, 2010 8:54 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2358
Reviews 45
I really like your story.Usually people do not write about mermaids often,and I like how you decided to write about something very uncommon to people. I think you should post more really soon because I'm really interested in reading more.(Especially since I really like mermaids I really like your story!!!)
Follow your bliss.-J.Campbell




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 15698
Reviews 369
Hi there Kayla. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer.

So, this has an interesting premise. I'll admit it has been done before, but don't let that stop you from writing anything. If you can do an idea well enough, do it, even if it has been done before.

That being said, I think that you need to iron out some of the more stereotypical things here. For one, the woman that shows up and talks to Trix about how she knows her. That seems like it is there more to appeal to what people expect from a story like this than to serve any purpose to the story. I would suggest cutting her from the story completely. Let Trix stumble through what is happening to her by herself. It would be far more interesting, in my opinion.

Also, I think that Trix adjusts to this far too soon. All of a sudden it's "Tomorrow, I start a new life," and everything. I don't think that's very realistic. I apologize if you intend for Trix to be the kind of person who would adjust to finding out she's a mermaid quickly, but I can't see that she is. She seems rather average, and I would think most average people would break out in hysterics for quite a while. She isn't acting like how you have set up her character to be. The assumption about changing based on water contact particularly irks me. For one, she would have been more likely to assume that based on the fact that she's felt weird when she washes for the past while, not on the fact that she just got the email. Then she would have realized that the email told her something similar, and most likely been very unnerved by it. This could lead into a whole, "Figure out who sent the email" thing.

And, for a final point, and I really hate to say this, but tone down the romance. A lot. As in, this guy Connor had better not A.) Be a merman already/become one for her or B.) Declare his unconditional love for her when he finds out what she is, unless he has a bit more personality than just being handsome and kind and thinking she's cute. Give this guy something defining besides just being some kind of social pillar that everyone looks up to, and then one of those two options might work. Otherwise, something more likely would be him keeping away from her once he finds out, or agreeing to try to work something out very tentatively.

But even so, tone down the romance a lot. For heaven's sake, this girl just found out that she isn't even human. Some girls I know can push away their boyfriends and be absolutely cold to them for things much more minor than this. Trying to catch Connor's eye should be the last thing on Trix's mind. If she's still trying to impress him in the midst of all this, you'd better give us a good reason why.

That's about all I've got to say. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 15914
Reviews 204
I really liked your piece. I agree with the previous people though, you need to smooth out the edges a bit to make it run more smoothly. I'm just curious, have you ever seen h2o before. Your story kind of reminded me of it. I'm going to read chapter two now. Happy writing!
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
I loved it,thought it did remind me of that movie on disney channel but still,its very good,and addicting
Izabella Eisaide Luna



The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
— William Shakespeare