Heaven and Hell (not fixed title)

Just page one of my story i left a while ago.



Part One – the before time.

Locked in a memory



The silent night flooded the dark corridor of an early twentieth century house. The moon reflected in a mirror that was hung loose on the cracked walls in the old house. The carpet was a deep crimson, like a royal carpet waiting for the Queen to step on to it, or a carpet at the Film Oscars. Young Siblings slept peacefully in their beds, dreaming happy dreams, fantasy dreams that may seem unrealistic to them. While they were sleeping, the soft wind blew through the open windows that fluttered the cutrains, touching the childrens parents, making them shift in their sleep.

Outside the rooms in the corridor, was a girl, stood motionless, staring into nothing. She wore a night gown, her skin was pale white and her hair twisted in deep chocolate brown locks. She never blinked, just stared at a mirror, nothing reflected back. No tears strolled from her face, nothing. Absolutley nothing.

Her still body seemed frozen in time, as a sudden Dong Dong Dong came from down the hall. A great brown Grandfathers clock stood tall like God, owning the corridor, letting everyone and every soul know that he was the ruler. Alerting tiny mice that squeaked and ran into their little homes in the thin walls.

The girl suddenly lifted her arm and reached out towards a painted picture on the very end of the corridor. Again, she showed no emotion, but tears spilled from the inside of her mind. She tried to scrunch her face up in pain, but failed and disappeared in a puff of air.

A voice echoed from the inside of the walls, which awoke a young girl that had been sleeping softly in her room. She sat up in her night gown, and looked around, biting her lip she shook her head. Believing it was her imagination. She'd lived in this house for quite a while now, and weird sounds came about the house all the time at night. So this wasn't unusual. Another noise, but it came from inside her room, she glanced towards the direction of the sound. Slowly, she climbed out of her bed and ran over to her sisters bed, shaking her violently.

'Wake up!' She hissed, helping herself into her sisters cosy bed.

An annoyed moan sounded from the side of the young girl. Her sister peered over her shoulder at her younger sibling and scratched her eyes.

'What now babe?' Asked the older girl, seeing her younger sisters terrified face.

'Penny! Something is inside the room,' the young girl told her sister.

Penny sat up and shook her head. 'No, just a mouse, go back to bed,'

Penny's little sister hesitated and pulled the duvet over her head in fear.

'This happens all the time Georgia, get over it, Please, scram,' Penny took a look around the room and sighed. 'Fine, sleep with me, but just so you know, this is the last time.'

Georgia smiled her cute six year old smile, and lay herself on a pillow. Penny pulled the duvet cover over the both of them and rested herself next to her younger sister.

'You're finally catching on the nickname, I hate Penelope, so it's good you call me Penny-' she broke off instantly to see her young sister's eyes tightly shut and a soft purr rolling from her mouth.

Penny smiled and closed her eyes as well, waiting for her dreams to cloud her mind, and let her body rest.





This is my rough draft. still haven't finished my draft. lots going on at the mo. Please review.

Hey there, I'm Lauren and I'll be reviewing for you today. I'll start with some nitpicks...

Young Siblings slept peacefully in their beds,

as siblings is not a formal title, it shouldn't be capitalized

Outside the rooms in the corridor, was a girl, stood motionless, staring into nothing.

this sentence doesn't flow with this section like that. Something like: "Outside the rooms in the corridor stood a girl, motionless, staring into nothing." The was doesn't work with the stood. You wouldn't say "was a girl stood". You could perhaps use standing in its place though.

No tears strolled from her face, nothing

Nothin previous to this could suggest that the girl would be crying, so this is a little strange to add in randomly.

Alright, for the first page this is rather intruiging. The strange girl in the hallway definitely makes me want to read more so I can figure out who she is exactly. I also like what I have seen of the two sisters so far, though there isn't much here to get a good grasp on their characters yet.

I'd like to read more of this when you get around to it. PM me if you ever put more up and I'd be happy to take a look at it. Good job, and keep writing!

-Lauren

thanks there's loads more.. i've done about 30 + pages, maybe 40... i don't really know. When i've done that i'll start writing upthe full version.

Hey there Carly! Tis WD! I'm glad I got to read this. This beginning has a lot of potential. As has been mentioned, the girl out in the hallway really caught my attention. Your hook is grand, so I'm just going to talk about a few things in each paragraph, okay? Already, I can see that you have a very vivid image of what is happening and that is wonderful! I am thrilled to see this powerful of a hook; it does wonders to draw your readers in already.

The silent night flooded the dark corridor of an early twentieth century house. The moon reflected in a mirror that was hung loose on the cracked walls in the old house. The carpet was a deep crimson, like a royal carpet waiting for the Queen to step on to it, or a carpet at the Film Oscars. Young Siblings slept peacefully in their beds, dreaming happy dreams, fantasy dreams that may seem unrealistic to them. While they were sleeping, the soft wind blew through the open windows that fluttered the cutrains, touching the childrens parents, making them shift in their sleep.

All right, we begin with some description. I don't think this is too much description at all; it's a nice opening. However, right now it sounds a little offkey when I read it aloud. Why? Because of your parallel sentence structire. Look at what I highlighted in blue. Four sentences in a row with the same subject-verb construction! Eep! This will be much more engaging if you play with some different sentence structures.

Also, the reference to the Film Oscars seemed strange to me--it didn't really fit with the mood of the description. I suggest just sticking with your first description of it.

Outside the rooms in the corridor, was a girl, stood motionless, staring into nothing. She wore a night gown, her skin was pale white and her hair twisted in deep chocolate brown locks. She never blinked, just stared at a mirror, nothing reflected back. No tears strolled from her face, nothing. Absolutley nothing.

This paragraph really has the potential to have some punch to it! Right now I think you repeat that she has no expression, no blinking too much. You emphasize it enough that it loses its power. I would go with some short, to-the-fact sentences just outlining her face and move on, letting the reader get the chill from the image rather from your emphasis of the image. Make sense?

Her still body seemed frozen in time, as a sudden Dong Dong Dong came from down the hall. A great brown Grandfathers clock stood tall like God, owning the corridor, letting everyone and every soul know that he was the ruler. Alerting tiny mice that squeaked and ran into their little homes in the thin walls.

I think it would be better if you broke up that second thoughts about the grandfather clock into a few complete sentences rather than progressive phrases.

The girl suddenly lifted her arm and reached out towards a painted picture on the very end of the corridor. Again, she showed no emotion, but tears spilled from the inside of her mind. She tried to scrunch her face up in pain, but failed and disappeared in a puff of air.

Tears spilled from inside her mind? I don't really get that.

'What now babe?' Asked the older girl, seeing her younger sisters terrified face.

That last bit about seeing her sister's face is not really necessary.

All right, so you have some good ideas here! I am quite impressed by your characterization thus far and the dynamics between Penny and Georgia. One thing you really need to take a look at is the grammar here. Your writing is coming along nicely, but the grammar is detracting from the flow of this! So, first, proofread. Get the grammar right. Then start thinking about some of the sentence and focus issues I talked about at the beginning. I think what your beginning needs right now is some reading aloud and some messing with sentence structure, but you need to get the grammar down before you think about that. I'd rather you proofread this yourself, but, if you do want me to help you, feel free to PM me, okay? You have a very nice start here! Keep writing! And feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Hello. The bit about the girl in the hallway is interesting, and I want to read more about that. As for the ending, the only bit I didn't really like was the 'Georgia smiled her cute six year old smile', mainly just because the 'her cute six year old smile' doesn't really need to be added into the story, if you want to keep the story sounding mysterious.

Hi PenNPaper here to review!

The moon reflected in a mirror that was hung loose on the cracked walls in the old house

How about rephrasing it to be 'The moon was reflected in a mirror that hung loose on the cracked walls in the old house'.
Okay, this story has potential, you had enough descriptions and so on...
Try to use inverted commas instead of apostrophes when having a dialogue, it is less confusing this way especially when you have thoughts.
Good luck and keep writing!

Really mysterious. I didn't like the flow, however. Too many unnecessary commas like in the bit whereit says "Outside the rooms in the corridor, was a girl, stood motionless, staring into nothing." I would have said "Outside the rooms in the corridoor, a girl stood motionless, staring into nothing." if that's worse i'm sorry.

I didn't like the reference to the red carpet. This seems to be a story of mystery and horror. Adding a pop culture reference ruins that aura.

hope i helped

--OLLI

i know i messed up with the comma's, i wrote it half a year ago but i know where comma's should go now... i don't think i checked it through properly, but yeah, when i finish my draft, i'll write up full proper version. Same with my vampire book which is being reviewed by a lady at a writers club i go to.