Poison

. (This poem equals fail. So. I post it on YWS in hopes that it may -- one day -- not equal fail.)

Your words drip off my tongue like an infectious disease,
but I love it. I love the sickness you've given me.
I love the coyness of your sympathetic empathy,
only crawling from your craters of desolation to hiss.

I
love
your
poisonous
kiss

For it's reclusive in a world of encrypted codes
and lies that come from secrets. It comes from
you. Which makes it all the more sweet --
Like white sugar canes never picked. Like --

White
lies
that
never
quit.

My eyes see the truth of your eyes --
and what it truly entails to believe.
I'll always let your poison drip off
my flesh -- as long as you love me.

Your poison --
A
small
fee.

Fixed here! I shall attempt to review... this thing you call 'fail'

Jon wrote:desolation to hiss.

"to hiss" made me stop for a second. I was like, "wait, what?" Change the verb to something more... sexy, almost.

Jon wrote:For it's reclusive in a world of encrypted codes,

don't need this! I added a comma for the next part... \/\/\/

Jon wrote:andlies that come from secrets. It comes from
you. Now it's all the more sweet --
Like white sugar canes never picked; Like --

Jon wrote:My eyes see the truth of yours eyes--
and what it they truly entails to believe.

Cleaning it up a little, it's less redundant...

Jon wrote:Your poison --
A
small
fee.

This line is great, it just doesn't match the rhythm from the rest of it.. think about having it say,
"your poison--
A
small
sinful
fee."

or something along the lines of that!!

All in all, It was really nice and I loved the description! I just thought I'd be picky since it was already beautiful. Have fun writing more!

Love,
fixed


(the ninja)

Hello!

I see someone already got in the nit-picks before me. Don't say that this fails!! Because it dosn't, it is very good, paticularly with the formatting off it, which made it a pleasure to look at as well as to read. Well Done, you certainly, with the changes above will have a 'non-fail'

Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Hey!

Thumbs up for the structuring of this poem. There's some real originality here. I'd improve this by revising the fluency and perhaps sprucing up the language in some parts. It's already been picked apart so I thought I'd know in that bit of feedback from me, I hope it helps a little with your edits.

Keep writing. (Your poetry's a lot better than some)
Ben,

great poem like all the others i like the way you layed it out and the descriptions created great images quite a nice mysterious poem


good job

wiggy

Hi Jon!

Okay. So. I think you're adorable and sweet but this is a weird poem. I say adorable and sweet because the idea of this poem is so innocently angsty. Angsty because it's all "Rar, you kill me, but I love you but you kill me, rar!" This doesn't have to be angsty, it can be soft and delicate - which I think these situations often are - or hard and brutal. I want to see this being hard and brutal, a kind of bitter tribute to the horror of love, and I know you can do that for me.

The description you use cold be better > And I know you can do better, because I've read your poems before. The poem loses some voice and stability the longer you go. It feels half-hearted, almost unemotional despite the subject matter.

So, what do I suggest, you ask? Firstly, I suggest that you seriously look into your first lines. They're much like the rest of the poem, good intentions but a little stale in delivery. Try re-arranging them.

"I love it; like an infectious disease
your words drip off my tongue."

In this example the words have - I think - a little more punch to them, and some more ambiguity; does the narrator mean that "your" words are "I love it" or that s/he loves the situation? Play with your readers, they're more intelligent than we often give them credit.

Your poem then lists things, and lists quickly lose appeal. Mainly here it's because your description doesn't quite make sense. "I love the coyness of your sympathetic empathy,only crawling from your craters of desolation to hiss." There's too much here, too much to imagine and work out. We need a simpler view to start with, so that we can see for ourselves how cruelly sweet the other person is.

This is all I'm going to say for now, because the rest of the poem follows these lines closely. Look at the complexity of your language and how the sentences can be understood. Try to lead us to the meaning without placing it in our laps. I'd like to see some challenge here, something to push my imagination and my intelligence, because I know you can do it. Angsty poems are particularly good at this because everyone understands the basic premise, so the shell is what you have to change to get the attention you need.

All the base is here, just work on those outer casings.

~ Penguin.

Stop
.using
....gimmicky
.......tricks
.............like
...................this.

Not only do they detract from your poem, but they make the poem more about the gimmick than your actual subject, and that is not a good sign! Work on creating solid poetry which speaks to the soul... gimmicks can come later.