London Payback

London payback

Chapter 1 flying

edited

“Come on Sam,” shouted Simon as they ran away from the pursuing police car. The police car was gaining on Sam. They changed course and ran towards a crowd of people who were entering a shopping mall packed to the brim with early Christmas shoppers. The police officer stopped the car and chased after them on foot. The police officer was tall with short, black hair that was hidden under his cap. He shouted through his radio “I need backup, I repeat I need back up!”
Inside the mall, Simon and Sam raced towards the stairs closely followed by the man. The stairs seemed to spiral on forever. When they reached the top of the building, a small crowd of policemen were now chasing after them.
Sam's mind was racing, should he stop and hand himself in or keep on going,he decided to keep on going. Finally Sam and Simon broke through only to find themselves boxed in. “Split up,” shouted Simon as he charged at one of the police officers, he ploughed through him, clearing a path for himself however, the man got up before Sam could go through.
Sam had to think fast or he would find himself alone in an empty jail cell.
The police drew in closer and closer.
“Come on lad its over know just hand yourself in and we can help you,” smiled a chubby police officer.

“I don’t need help,” snapped Sam as he looked over the edge of the building.
There was another building about eight feet away. He had an idea! He ran towards the police skidded right in front of them turned round and sprinted to the edge of the building he took a leap from one building to other he landed and rolled to take the force of the impact the police men didn’t even try jumping. Sam looked down from the building, the cops were on there way down waiting for him at the entrance of the building he looked over the edge it was at maximum a fifty-foot fall. He aimed for an oncoming bus, took one deep breath and jumped one or to seconds before the bus was in front of him. He seemed to be flying through the air forever it was as if timed had gone into slow motion, he waved his arms as he fell like a bird trying to fly.Suddenly time caught up with him as he hit the roof of the bus. The roof was wet, which made it almost impossible to hold onto.
Sam held on for dear life. The bus driver turned a corner that flipped him over the side of the bus. he held on trying to get a good grip. Finally, the bus was slowing down it bared into a bus station.
he hopped down off the bus relieved to still be alive. a crowd of people were staring at him.
He waited at the bus stop for 10 minutes waiting for Simon when he finally came he stared at Sam for a while. “You scare me sometimes Sam,” laughed simon
“I have got some good news bro,” smiled Simon as they walked off in search of a place to stay.

“And that is,?” sam questioned looking confused.





“We are leaving the big city,” laughed Simon

“Were will we go,” Sam aked sceptically

“I was thinking of going to the countryside,” smiled Simon

Sam was shocked by this proposition; he was scared of moving into a new environment after all he and his brother new there way around London.
Sam questioned Simon vigorously that night and discovered that he had a plan,
Simon had met a take away owner who was going to pay them money for doing deliveries all around london. Simon had to lie to the manager on many occasions, he told him that Sam and himself were twins and that they were both eighteen years old. The man gave Simon two mountain bikes with a baskets at the front.
They were due to start work in two days time. Tomorrow they were going to learn how to ride the bikes,sam was not confident about riding a bike he had never riddden one unlike Simon who had.
As they bedded down in a quite alleyway away from the hustle and bustle, Sam felt so happy that they finnaly would'nt have to run away from the police like yesterday,to Sam and Simon they were'nt stealing yesterday they had needed thet meal . They had'nt ate in two days.

I enjoyed this start but you really need to read your work through after you've written it because in places there are spelling mistakes and words missed out which make it a little bit hard to read. I have the same problem I get into a flow and make all sorts of mistakes, so after i finish writing i wait a day and re-read the work, then i can normally pick up most of it.
Also you start out in third person then slip into first person about half way through so thats another thing you need to be careful with, just try to pick the one your most comfortable and stick with it, I prefer to write in third so i always write in third person so then i never get confused. Again re-reading will help with picking those sort of mistakes.
I know ive been a bit negative in this review but the mistakes are easily correctable and the more you write the less this type of mistake will happen.
Keep Writing
Titch x

Interesting concept. I'm curious to see where this goes next. Like all writers, there are a few things you could improve on.
But before I get into that. Here are a few nitpicks:

I hoped down off the bus relieved to still be alive.

Two things I'd like to point out here.
One, hoped should be hopped.
Two, you are switching to first person POV. Not a great time, but at least make a line or something so us readers know what's happening.

I waited at the bus stop for 10 minuets waiting for Simon when he finally came he stared at me for a while.

should be: minutes. Simple mistake.

Alrighty, nitpicking is over. I like the adventurous idea you have here. But can you give us a reason to read on? You know, like something suspenseful to hook us.
And who are these people? Please tell us readers some more about them and why they're doing this.

Overall: I liked this. Don't be discouraged. You have potential. Keep writing alright?
Hope I wasn't too harsh.
~Crazy

Very interesting. You need some help on grammar, though. (:

I will only point out a few things, though there were many mistakes in here.

“Come on Sam” shouted Simon as they ran away from the pursuing police car.

-should be a comma after ‘Sam.’
-I would also like to add that you made a perfect grabber here. I am drawn in by the fact that there is a police car chasing your characters. well done.

He shouted through his radio “I need backup I repeat I need back”

-should be a comma before ‘radio’ and a period after ‘back.’
-I also think that there should be an ‘up’ after the second ‘back.’

Sam held onto for dear life. The bus driver turned a corner that flipped me over the side of the bus. I was holding on for dear life trying to get back onto the bus.

-I don’t like the repetition of phrases here.

Okay, here is a link. The page is very easy to understand, and will teach you about punctuation. I noticed that in here you skipped periods and commas where there was supposed to be.

The writing was great, you just need to learn more about punctuation. I hoped I helped! If you have any questions, PM me.

Classy

thank you very much for the advice i will be making the corrections very soon. thank you very much.

Even with the edits I noticed some repetitive sentences.

“Come on Sam,” shouted Simon as they ran away from the pursuing police car. The police car was gaining on Sam.

Notice here you use the same words at the end of the first sentence and the beginning of the second.

"Come on Sam," shouted Simon as they ran from the pursuing police car. Sam glanced back and saw their pursuer was gaining on him.

Not a great sentence, but it makes you visualize the opening scene more vividly.

The police officer was tall with short, black hair that was hidden under his cap

Does the police officer play a major role in the story? If not, then don't describe him because it takes away from the fast paced scene you were trying to portray.

Ok, last quote and then I will summarize.

Finally Simon broke through a door and they found themselves surrounded by the police.

It says Simon alone broke through the door, but then it says they found themselves surrounded. I visualised Simon busting through the door, skidding to a halt, he hears Sam running behind him, and shouts, "Split up!" When I read "found themselves" it made me stop and think. When trying to capture an action scene you want the reader feel the action, not go "wait a minute."

Plot wise, I think this story has very good potential. You just need to work on when and when not to take the focus off the action.

Hi PenNPaper here to review!

I repeat I need back up!”

There should be a comma after 'repeat'.

in or keep on going,

It is a question, so it should be a '?'.

,he decided to keep on going

A space after the comma.

Come on lad its

It should be 'it's' with the apostrophe.

of the impact the police men didn’t even try jumping

Add a comma after 'impact'.

he hopped

'he' should be capitalised.

that is,?” sam

You do not need two punctuation marks in a row, and sam should be 'Sam'.

go,” sam

The 's' from sam should be in caps.

aked

Just a typo, I'm sure.

about riding a bike he had never riddden one

The word 'as' between 'bike' and 'he'. One typo.

finnaly would'nt

A typo, finally and wouldn't.

thet

Check your spelling.

had'nt

A typo.

Overall your story was okay, take some time to describe their feelings and thoughts. Your actions were well described though. Your characters are not well developed enough, I barely know about Sam and Simon. And, PLEASE, there is a spell check function, please use that.
Well that's about it, good luck and keep writing, even if I sounded a little harsh, I really don't mean it.