Glitter - for the depressed

Glitter

Henry’s feet fell, one after the other over leaves and damp twigs.
“It’s just up ahead,” Called Kate, turning her head as she trotted along.
He jogged cautiously, ready to duck a pine limb or dodge shrubbery. The turning boiling sounds of the river grew louder. Shapes rode across the starry sky like sails of a dark ship.
“Down here.” Holding a vine for stability, he let himself down a worn track. The pines and shrubs opened out around the still pool; the river fell white over a sharp ridge, eddied then spread like clouds across the dark water.

“You first.” She said coyly.
“At the same time.”
“No peeking then.” Henry turned facing away from the pool. He pulled his shirt over his head and his heart picked up. He unbuttoned his pants and let them slide down. Slowly stepping back he turned. The water slapped and splashed and Henry suddenly spun, facing the broken water. Her head appeared, face spread with laughter and her black hair was slick against her skull.

“Well what are you waiting for?” He eyed her clothes pile, noticing underwear stacked on top. Turning away again and with a pounding heart, he eased his underwear down, held his elbows in each hand and his cheeks burnt as she encouraged him to just run and dive. His naked body seemed to glow in the moonlight and the gentle wind whistled softly through the forest, carrying on it the pines scent.

The water was cold at first numbing every part of him for a moment then like a ceased engine roaring into life he moved, warm and free diving deep until his chest felt weak and his head hurt and he kicked hard toward the surface. Air came in short wet breaths and smile began at his lips and spread to his eyes. And for a moment he stared up, not at the clouds, not at the sky, not at the stars but past them, past it all. His problems all laid there, where wonder is lost.

Her gaze was beginning to burn and his mind left the sky and their eyes found eachother.
“Whats up there?” her voice was soft and sly.
“Bunch a stars and nothing I guess.” And he frowned at it all, in mock wonder.
“I think when we die we just become another star in the sky and we can watch the world change and we just stay up there burning and making people like you and me wonder what we are and where we went and we just smile and burn bright because we will live forever.”
“Do you think Janeys up there?” Janeys name came out forced and hurried and Henry suddenly felt the cold of the water.
“Well people say she went to heaven,” Kate paused and let her eyes slip from Henry to the stars, “But I think heavens made up, and the stars are all we become and we still have bad days and good but in the end its knowing that one day we will all be up there, that’s what will keep us burning bright.”

Kate had her fears. But dying wasn’t one, her enemies and friends existed all around her, and Henry closed his eyes and he could see Janey and he didn’t want to cry so he dove again, deep, deep and deeper until his head was going to burst and his fists curled into balls and he kicked hard. He rubbed his eyes squeezed everything then burst through the surface and Kate looked up with him at all the stars as they slowly fell from the sky like gold glitter cast by the hand of god.

Glitter

Hey, JP. Thank you so much for your critique on my story. I thought I'd return the favor.

“You first.” She said coyly. 

"You first," she said, coyly.
(That's a little better grammatically.)

I love the scene where they first enter the water. You describe it so sensually, it seems magical. I liked how he noticed her undies on top, it was a cute and realistic touch.

Her gaze was beginning to burn and his mind left the sky and there eyes found eachother. 

That's the wrong there-- it should be their. There is the one for describing locations.

“Whats up there?” her voice was soft and sly. 

Should be 'What's' with the apostrophe.

“Do you think Janeys up there?” Janeys name came out forced and hurried and Henry suddenly felt the cold of the water. 

Should be Janey's, short for Janey is.

The last line was beautiful, like poetry. The whole piece is really well written, just fix the few grammatical errors I found. It was just the right length; not too long but not so short that it seemed incomplete.

One thing that might help make it even better it would be if you stayed entirely in Henry's point of view, instead of switching over to Kate's towards the end. Switching around tends to work better in longer stories, but in shorts it's less distracting if you stick with just one POV.

I think you should mention Janey a lot earlier, maybe in the first few sentences, so that the reader can know it's about more than just the two characters Kate and Henry. She's brought up a bit out of the blue near the end.

I really like your philosophical ideas about heaven and the stars. Thanks for posting this, and when you decide to post more stories will you send me a PM? I'd really like to read them. Let me know if anything I posted here doesn't make sense.

Jenna

I just wanted to say that I thought this was spectacular. Honestly, I almost cried from the innocence in this. I am glad that someone already corrected the grammatical errors so I can just give you your well deserved kudos. I hope to read more from you in the future. Your writing style is simply superb. I love the scene where he was looking up at the sky, and the closing was perfection. That is all, my friend.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Summer "Loveless" Night

Thanks alot for your kind words Jennafina and Loveless

Hi, it's PenNPaper here.
Well, for a pretty short story it did catch my attention, somehow. Your story was smooth flowing, not much problem with the plot either.
Just a few mistakes here and there.

“It’s just up ahead,” Called Kate

After a dialogue, it should be in small letters. 'called'.

“You first.” She said coyly.

Remember, comma after a dialogue.

“No peeking then.” Henry

Same here too.

“Do you think Janeys up there?”

Janey's. There isn't more than one Janey in your story, is there?

Bye for now!

“It’s just up ahead,” #FF4040 ">called Kate, turning her head as she trotted along.

Speech tags need to be lowercased when following a comma.

The turning#FF4040 ">, boiling sounds of the river grew louder. Shapes rode across the starry sky like sails of a dark ship.

I'm pretty sure the comma belongs in between the two words (the exact grammatical reason as to why I cannot recall I'm a bit embarassed to say haha). The last bit I just included because I absolutely loved the imagery used <3.

... the river fell white over a sharp ridge, eddied#FF4040 ">, then spread like clouds across the dark water.

“You first#FF4040 ">," she said coyly.

Again, speech tags should be lowercased when following a comma.

“No peeking then.” Henry turned facing away from the pool.

You actually don't need a comma following the dialogue bit because the sentence wasn't followed by a speech tag and it was a complete statement (just saying because of PenNPaper's comment ).

“Well what are you waiting for?” He eyed her clothes pile, noticing #FF4040 ">her underwear stacked on top... and the gentle wind whistled softly through the forest, carrying on it the pines#FF4040 ">' scent.

I just added 'her' before 'underwear' for clarification *two seconds later* AH. Well, after a bit of thinking I just realized you could have meant underwear like panties, bra, etc. and this would make sense haha. When I think underwear, I just think underwear, like panties by itself.
As for the pines, the scent 'belongs' to more than one pine tree.

The water was cold at first, numbing every part of him for a moment. Then, like a ceased engine roaring into life, he moved, warm and free, diving deep until his chest felt weak and his head hurt and he kicked hard toward the surface.

I've added numerous commas into this as you can see. I read the sentence aloud, deliberately without pauses, and it just didn't sound right. After inserting the commas and the lone period, I thought it sounded more grammatical correct. I didn't color them because save for the one between 'life' and 'he moved' I added them all in.

Air came in short#FF4040 ">, wet breaths and #FF4040 ">a smile began at his lips and spread to his eyes. And#FF4040 ">, for a moment he stared up, not at the clouds, not at the sky, not at the stars but past them, past it all. His problems all laid there, where wonder is lost.

Here I placed a comma in between 'short' and 'wet' because they were two adjectives used in succession. The last sentence is absolutely beautiful but - and this is just what I'd personally do! - I'd make it: "And, for a moment he stared up - not at the clouds, not at the sky, not at the stars, but past them - past it all. His problems all laid there, where wonder is lost."

“Whats up there?” #FF4040 ">Her voice was soft and sly.

The sentence ended so you have to capitalize the pronoun/word following.

“I think when we die we just become another star in the sky and we can watch the world change and we just stay up there burning and making people like you and me wonder what we are and where we went and we just smile and burn bright because we will live forever.”

“Do you think Janey#FF4040 ">'s up there?” Janey#FF4040 ">'s name came out forced and hurried and Henry suddenly felt the cold of the water.

“Well people say she went to heaven,” Kate paused and let her eyes slip from Henry to the stars, “But I think heaven#FF4040 ">'s made up, and the stars are all we become and we still have bad days and good but in the end it#FF4040 ">'s knowing that one day we will all be up there, that’s what will keep us burning bright."

Kate had her fears. But dying wasn’t one, her enemies and friends existed all around her, and Henry closed his eyes and he could see Janey and he didn’t want to cry so he dove again, deep, deep and deeper until his head was going to burst and his fists curled into balls and he kicked hard. He rubbed his eyes squeezed everything then burst through the surface and Kate looked up with him at all the stars as they slowly fell from the sky like gold glitter cast by the hand of god.

The only things that I corrected were the 'Janeys' because both needed apostrophes; the primary was for 'Janey is' and the latter was because of posession (Janey's name belongs to her). The rest I put into quotes because although it's very philosophical and beautiful, I felt it was all so rushed. There were barely any periods/commas to break up the three longer paragraphs and it made it sort of runonnish. I just say to read it over out loud or even in your head and rearrange your punctuation accordingly.

- - -

This story is very beautiful and innocent and chock full of gorgeous imagery that made me giddy just reading it! Everything felt so down-to-earth and real and innocent.. it reminded me of my own childhood summers (even though I didn't go skinny dipping with little boys haha).
The only thing I say to watch out for is where you place your punctuation (or, better yet, where you don't place it ). I'm a victim of this too: I get so into writing that I type how I think - without pauses haha - which results in little to no commas/semi-colons/etc. Also, watch out for your speechtags and punctuation following! If it's a period, exclamation point or question mark, a capital letter follows; if it's a comma, it's a lowercase letter. Lastly, watch your apostrophes, especially when it comes to posessions and its versus it's.
I hope I wasn't too picky in my edit I also hope that I help at least a bit haha. This story has very much potential and it was an absolute joy reading it!

Happy writing!
xo julia