My Best Work

I wouldn't reccomend reading this if you are offended by language, that's why I set it to 12+
The Good People


Stephan O.



1
Name: Joe
I walked silently back to my seat from handing the teacher my homework. I felt a paper wasp hit me in the head. I felt a surge of anger when I saw Jennifer and her friends laughing. I knew I couldn’t stop it, no matter what. The world would always take the side of the sweet, innocent little girls, even if they were lying.
Even shows for children knew this. They would always know that it was bad to hit a girl but okay to hit a boy.
I sat in my seat, hoping that my face wasn’t turning red with anger. The teacher blabbered on about algebra, unaware of anything the students were doing. I heard the snap of a rubber band as a paper wasp hit my cheek. I heard Jennifer’s laughter and felt a hole in my gut.
Then I saw Carla. I remembered when we did a project in our English class, where we wrote down things about our personalities, I heard what Carla was like, Not only was she a great person, but she was everything I wanted to be, nice, beautiful, and popular. I was stuck on the bottom of the food chain, ugly and hated. I had no friends in the entire school, and my family didn’t matter to me. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because of hope for a better day tomorrow.
I would ask Carla in an instant if she wanted to go out with me. But I couldn’t. Popular kids only go out with popular kids, and she had a boyfriend anyway. I didn’t have a chance in hell.
Before I realized I had zoned out, another paper wasp hit me in the face, this one hitting my nose. I picked all three of them up and put them in my pocket. I noticed a worksheet in front of me on my desk. I put it in my binder as we went to our next class.



























2
Name: Michael
I sat alone at lunch. I had been training myself to feel no emotion but anger. If that’s all I could feel, then I would be strong; I would not stay calm unless I had too.
I put my tray away and headed back towards my seat. Before I could, Jennifer pushed me into the trashcan. I found an unfinished bottle of milk that had splattered onto my hair and ended up with a banana peal on my shirt.
I stood up and threw the banana peal off of me. I would have attacked her right then, but a teacher was looking. Of course they didn’t do anything when she pushed me into the trashcan. They would always side with her, even if she was wrong. I went back to my seat, wanting to yell out as many cuss words as I could and beat her till she could barely feel anything below the neck, but I didn’t, because I couldn’t.
I felt that there was nothing in this school that could turn my life around.
I recently saw a popular girl named Clarisse crying. I laughed in my mind and figured she deserved what she got. Even the death of someone she loved. I didn’t care. She deserved what she got. I never regretted my happiness of her pain, and never will.
Ever.










3
Name: Carla
I was walking with my boyfriend, Tom, home from school. When we got to my house, we kissed each other good-bye and I turned and walked up my driveway. I heard a car driving by and a loud thump mixed with a small grunt. I turned and saw Tom land on the end of my driveway. A pool of blood formed around his body. Blood seemed to come out of every area I could see, his mouth, his head, his stomach, his chest, and his legs. I felt tears shoot out of my eyes as I checked his pulse. His heart felt like a drum without a drummer.
I saw the driver of the car kneel next to his dead body. I looked up and couldn’t believe what I saw.
It wasn’t just some drunk driver.
Not anyone who had fallen asleep at the wheel.
Not just a nameless face.
It was my very own mother.

























4
Name: Gerard
I was sitting next to my girlfriend, Jennifer, laughing hysterically at a joke she made about this kid Joe. Then I saw one of our own, Carla, sitting down crying. I didn’t ask her what happened. We all knew. Tom was dead.
I saw Michael looking at us with a slight smirk on his face. I told Jennifer to comfort her while I stood up and walked over to where Michael was. I started throwing punches without aiming, hitting him somewhere every time.
“You brought me to this,” he said.
I stopped and left him on the ground bruised and black-eyed.




5
Name: Michael
I suffered a beating in the morning, but I didn’t give a shit. I just went right on with my life. It was, of course, impossible not to feel rejoice when someone I hated felt pain. I don’t care if people like you or not, if you deserve it, you deserve it.
I didn’t feel any pain from my previous beating. I was very happy that day, even when Jennifer did dump me into a trashcan I was happy, just the sight of a person I hate in pain helped my day get along better. It’s not because I’m an asshole, it’s not because I’m sick, it’s because of what they did to me.
I stepped into the classroom with a sea of angry looks. I saw that Carla wasn’t there. Probably had been crying herself into a coma.
I sat down, accepting all their stares.
I didn’t care.
I was right.























6
Name: Joe
I heard what had happened to Carla. She was in a tender emotional stage. Her own mother killed her boyfriend. She was supposed to be at home for a while, but she couldn’t be around her mother after that. You would think that she would be comforted by anyone who would comfort her, but that was not the case.
Even during times like this, she refused to be seen around someone like me. I looked up as Michael walked in the classroom. I heard that he had laughed at Carla’s pain. I knew what this kid was like. He and I were best friends. Then he started being treated like half the kids in the school. A guy can only take so much. This guy couldn’t take any. He avoided human contact apart from when he attacked people. With his kind of strength he should have been the most feared kid in school. Instead he was the most hated.
A new paper wasp hit my face. I laughed in my mind about how much paper these kids had. Soon the teacher yelled at me to focus. I turned my attention towards the teacher and sat through the lecture.















7
Name: Carla
Finally I stopped crying. I was told to go back home, but I said that I would not. I could not go into the same house as my mother, not after that. I had to wait it out.
I went back to class. The only empty seat was next to Joe. My group of friends and I would always pick on him, knowing he would never fight back. I was in no mood to pick on him, but that didn’t stop Jessica. Paper wasps hit his head. He just ignored it, he was used to it.
I saw that little bastard Michael look at his dictionary. He shook his head and put it back in his backpack. Everybody had seen him do this at least once, but no one seemed to know why.
One right after the other bounced off of Joe’s head, and he picked them up and shoved them in his pocket. I started to feel sorry for him and wanted to tell Jessica to stop. But I didn’t need to, he did it for me. He pulled out a large rubber band with every paper wasp he had collected on them and shot all of them at Jessica. When they hit her, I laughed a little He was holding back laughter do to the fact that it was class. Suddenly, Jessica stood up and walked over to Joe. She punched him. I told her to leave him alone and that she deserved it. She shrugged and sat back down.
After class I talked with Joe. We got to know each other, and I realized that he was perfect for me. I asked him out on a date and his face turned so red I could almost feel the heat coming off of it.
We went to dinner. We had a lot of fun together. I couldn’t tell my group I was dating him, or else I would be treated like him.
For some reason they treated the good people like they were scum. I left the date wondering why bad things happen to the good people, and good things happen to the bad people.
Then I realized.
I am one of those bad people.










8
Name: Michael
I zipped up my backpack after putting my binder in it. I felt a backpack hit my back as I walked away from the classroom. I could tell who it was. It was Jeremiah, Clarisse’s boyfriend. Including Kevin, there was six in their little group. No one entered unless they decided they were cool enough, no one exited unless they broke their rules and hung out with the good people.
I was a good person, whether it was believed or not. Not all good people seem like the best of people. I am one of those people.
I am not a bad person.
I’m not the one who pushes people over the edge.
They are.


10
Name: Joe
I had Carla over that night. We shared our first kiss and I couldn’t believe that it was really happening. I revealed how long I had been in love with her and we kissed more. The more I kissed her, the more I missed her. Knowing that someday she would be gone made me appreciate the moment even more.
That night I had a dream.
Carla and me were kissing like we had on the couch. I felt the same way as I did when our lips first touched. Then suddenly, her body died in my arms. I felt her weight press against me and her eyes were wide open. Her body faded away to nothing.
I woke up with a start and noticed my alarm blaring. My mom was telling me to get up. I flipped the covers off of me to get dressed.













11
Name: Michael
I stepped through the school doors, and they slammed behind me. I immediately saw Jennifer, Kevin, Gerard, Clarisse, Jeremiah, and Carla all standing in the main hall.
Jennifer fired a paper wasp at me. She insulted me and she and her friends laughed. Before I realized what had happened, my backpack hit the floor, my dictionary hit the wall, wide open, and the gun I had in my hand was smoking. I saw the horrid sight that was Jennifer. Her right eye was missing, and her brains were all over the place. Blood continued to shoot out of her head as she hit the ground. I had lost all control over my actions. Before it even registered in my mind that I had killed someone, my gun fired again. This time it hit Jeremiah, whose mouth was wide open in shock. I felt the muscles on my face moving, forming a smile. They got what they deserved.
After all this time.













12
Name: Joe
I had finally found out why he always shook his head at his dictionary. He was waiting for the right time. It’s where he hid his revolver. I saw holes in the pages where a magnum fit.
He fired a third bullet, hitting Clarisse in the back of the head before she was able to get out. People were running scared as the principals were probably calling the police.
Another shot, killing Kevin. He was trying to run to the back exit, and was shot in the back of the neck. He had two more bullets left.
Soon the principals saw Gerard’s brains, for they were splattered all over the window to they’re office. Carla was running down a hallway, almost at the end, where there was an exit. She would be able to escape, but Michael had his gun aimed at her. I was watching it from behind him. It was aimed right at her head. There was no way he would miss.
He tightened his finger around the trigger.
He pulled the trigger.
The hammer was thrown back and landed right in place.
The bullet came out of the gun with a bang.
But it didn’t hit her.









13
Name: Michael
It was the perfect shot. It would have taken down every one of them. I almost got that last one, but Joe stepped in front of my cannon. He took the bullet. Now the corpse of one of the good people was lying in front of me.
I didn’t have any extra ammo. All I needed was one for each person. But now Joe is dead, and Carla is still alive. I could hear the door she ran for open and close. I heard police sirens. I turned and saw the cops running towards the door, guns ready to fire. I dropped to my knees. They ran in and told me to put my hands where they can see them.
I follow they’re orders.
In my way.
I wasn’t planning on living after that day anyway, so I simply lifted the gun at the cops. They didn’t even look to see if the gun was loaded, what I was hoping for. The last thing I saw were the flashes and the smoke of all of they’re guns hitting me. They hit me in the head a few good times. I felt the little bit of human emotion coming back as I felt the pain.
Then I felt nothing.
Bad things happen to good people.
This is one of those bad things.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.Wow. That was creepy! This was really entertaining, though. My only problem: It just wasn't realistic. Girls don't throw paper wasps, at least not the popular ones. Girls also can't completely get away with punching someone in the middle of class, unless the teacher is blind and deaf. And while I liked your twist at the end with the gun, you weren't all that original. I mean, bad guys die, weakling saves the nice one? Just rewrite that scene a wee bit. Also, I'd like a bit of explanation as to why Carla's mom hit her boyfriend..... typically, people aren't just randomly hit my normal drivers. Did you mean to say she was drunk? You kind of hinted at it... but really, awesome story. You have loads of talent. Just go over and review, there was one obvious mistake in the first paragraph. Oh yes! And don't put so much space between them. Welcome to YWS, you're an awesome writer.

--Dreamy

Okay, I thought that was well-written. I liked it but it was kind of creepy. I agree with Dreamy, some parts are not exactly realistic. Girls don't really push guys into trashcans, especially popular people. Another thing is couldn't Joe just have pushed Michael so that the bullet wouldn't hit Carla. Overall, it was an exciting short story to read, it was like a mini-chapter book.

Wow, you’re a fantastic writer. I wish I were as talented as you when I was your age. If you don’t carry on practicing and getting better I shall have to hunt you down.

Anyway! Onto the actual review:

Okay, I really like the simple and sparse style of writing you have going here, and combined with your structure (short, quick chapters from multiple viewpoints) it just feels very modern and contemporary.

There are a couple of times when I feel you’re writing is a bit to distant from what’s happening, when you tell when you should show. The one that stands out most in my mind is Carla realising that she and Joe would be good together. You’d already established how such a thing would be really unlikely to happen, so without showing us the two interacting (and so essentially showing us what it is about Joe that makes him so right for Carla), that particular scene just isn’t believable. Instead of just skimming so quickly over that scene - and let’s face, it’s probably one of the most important scenes in the story - I’d recommend dedicating an entire chapter to it.

Regarding the whole multiple point of view thing - I think you might have missed an opportunity here. All your characters have basically the same worldview, and none of them seem unreliable at all. One of the cool things about having multiple POV’s is that they can all read (and misread) the same situation (or same character) in a different light, but here they all seem to agree: they all agree that girls can get away with hitting boys, they all agree about the cool kids thing, and they all seem to know what one another is thinking - and I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

An example of what I mean might do better. In The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis, there is (like in your story) multiple first person narrators, and Ellis plays around with this a lot. The characters have different perceptions of the same event. One example that springs to mind is when two of the characters are going out, and both of them describe what the sex is like - now, they both give the same basic description, but one of them goes on to explain why it’s so good, whereas the other goes on to explain why it’s so bad. The character’s are also constantly misreading one another - in one scene, a character asks the POV out, and seems really shy about it, but then in the next chapter we learn that the previous POV is actually drunk, that the character wasn’t asking him out at all, and wasn’t shy but actually confused. (Or was he? Was the other POV character lying, and was the original one not drunk at all?) This constant confusion and misreading of the same events really adds to the novel, and I think it’d really add to your short story too. If you don’t mind reading about a lot of sex (both hetero- and homosexual), I’d really recommend you reading The Rules of Attraction, because Ellis does a lot of really cool things with POV in it.

Okay, next up: characters! Your characters are mostly good, but I think you fumbled a little with Carla. She doesn’t behave in a realistic manner, I think; she goes from grieving over her dead boyfriend, to hooking up with another guy in the space of about 5 minutes. And it’s a guy she’d normally never even speak to, also. This just breaks my suspension of disbelief. If you want the reader to really believe this, you’re gonna have to spend more time with Carla, to better show what’s going through her mind during all this. Develop her psychology more.

I also spotted a few times where you accidentally missed out a full-stop/period, and one time where you changed tense. Most of this is written in past tense, but I noticed in the final chapter you accidentally slip into the present tense at once point. Your chapter numbers also don’t add up - you go from chapter 8 to 10. Watch out for little mistakes like these. Proof read your story repeatedly. It can be helpful to print off the story, and then go over it with a red pen, marking out all the errors you see, and making a note of everything you wish to change/improve upon. It’s easier to see these things when it’s printed off, I find.

Having mentioned changing tenses though … you could do that on purpose, if you wished. You might not want to in this particular story, but with unstable characters like Michael you could always experiment with form, and making the narration unstable also. In The Book of Daniel by E. L. Doctorow, the entire novel is a book being written by the main character, describing his life, and he constantly switches between first person and third person, even within the same paragraph (possibly even the same sentence) sometimes. And it does a great job of showing the mental instability of the narrator. Portraying a character’s mental instability via textual instability is a nifty little trick, I think. Like I said, you may well not want to do anything like that in this story, but it’s something worth thinking about for the future. Playing around and experimenting with form when writing a story can be really fulfilling, and can really improve a piece if used well.

And … blimey, this review is probably definitely a touch too long. Still, I hope I’ve given you a few things to think about. I think you have a lot of potential to be a really fantastic writer, so keep on practicing, and keep on getting better. (And don’t be afraid to experiment.)

Peace out, yo. (That’s what you kids say now days, right?)


-- Sureal


P.S. A girl pushing a boy over is entirely possible. In my opinion, that don't need to change.

P.P.S. Oh yeah, and I also changed the rating to 16+ (because of the violence), and removed your surname (because of internet safety, and all that).

Very...Very graphical. Description was good. Well written short story. I do agree with what dreamy and Crescent said about the reality of how the students acted. Was not that creative though because a lot of storys end up in this sort of direction. I think you are a fabulous writer. Welcome to YWS by the way!!

~Britt

My opinions were very mixed. First a few short notes:
1. I would make the large spaces in between PoV changes smaller.
2. I don't think the name is necessary "Name: Michael"

Overall it was pretty good. The writing didn't ever seem to be horrible; it was actually quite good. At first I was confused when reading the changing PoV, but by paragraph six I understood what was happening clearly. Apart from the few hiccups everyone already listed I think it was a pretty good plot. I was really surprised when Michael pulled out a gun, I am not sure why but it was a scary moment for me.

~DayDreams