My carefull, claustral heart

Cold hearted, cold.
Sad and lonely.
Wishing, wishing,
But not daring enough.
Wanting, wanting,
But not daring...
Yearning, yearning,
But not...
Pining, pining,
But...

Like the smell of the woods,
the pale colour of stone,
I am locked within myself, wasted away.
I dare not breathe in case I burst.
Locked away as I am,
Tucked up, rolled over, forgotten,
Carefully packaged away in dust,
in the entrails of my carefull, claustral heart.

Really good! I loved it deep and flowing keep up the good work!!! Here have two dancing elephants!

Well I definitely agree that your piece deserves two dancing elephants. I enjoyed reading this, as it made me have to think. I didn't know what claustral meant, so of course, I had to look it up. I think you did a good job of describing how seclusion feels.

I'm wondering why the repetition in the beginning of the poem? It didn't quite mesh with the rest and I felt almost as if you had tried to smash two separate poems together. I'm not sure what you were going for, but frankly it didn't work. Personally, I would just get rid of the first ten lines. But that's just me.

Finally, please use spell check before posting on YWS. You spelled within and carefull incorrectly and it pains me to point this out to someone who is obviously well-educated. Just use spell check and we'll avoid these awkward situations from now on.

Other than that, good job! Keep writing, you've obviously got talent!

There, mistakes edited away, sorry was a bit tired, thank you for pointing it out!

Nice poem. Here, have another two dancing elephants:

This was cool. I like how you used words twice, adding rhythm. It was creepy and bitter, but still entertaining. You have some true poetry talent! Just make sure to punctuate. I understand that you may not have wanted to put periods in, but you kinda have to for this to work.

--Dreamy (here, 'av two more)

I didn't care so much for your simultaneous repetition on a few of your words, however, I did like the words you chose.
"like the smell of woods"
I love this phrase... it reminds me of yearning, or pinning, because quite frankly, you can't neccessary pinpoint the smell of the woods at any given time, it's a combination of smells and circumstances contrary to subtlety in the most abtracted of ways.

I can't help but relate to this poem, as I think everyone could.
Good Job-

I loved the way you took out one word in the first stanza ("But not daring enough, But not daring, but not...") it really captured the idea of hesitation without using that specific word. Also as mentioned before the repetition of words in the first stanza creates a cool, kind of eerie tone. The only thing that caught my eye was the spelling of the word "pining" when I first read this poem, I saw it as pinning as in to pin a dress or the like and it threw me off a bit. Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed it especially the follow up in the second stanza especially the lines "Carefully packaged away in dust,/ In the entrails of my careful, claustral heart." Overall, great work. Keep it up!!

~Katherine3laine~