Hint

Take a hint, okay?
I said.
Not directing it to him.
Take a hint, okay?
I said.
A fleeting notion in time.
But then that name popped on my screen.
An ember in my heart stirred.
Take a hint, okay?
I said.
He gave my heart a tug.
That simple little comment.
His quiet little words.
Take a hint?
Ok. I will.
You like me.
And I you.
Take a hint?
Ok. I will.
And my heart began to bleed.
My insecurities,
My second guessing.
My hope(lessness) for love.
Take a hint, okay?
I said.
And he smiled as he did.

~~~

This is my first poem on YSW. I intentionally put parentheses around hope(lessness). And I'm not sure how the ending works. So fire away with advice!

-Vai

Hey! Welcome to YSW.

Nit-picks. I don't feel that every line has to be capitalized and/or end with a period. Some lines can just end with a comma or the appropriate punctuation. That is completely up to you though, but that is just my thought.

The content was absolutely wonderful. I completely got the message, except for in this:

A fleeting notion in time.
But then that name popped on my screen.
An ember in my heart stirred

I'm wondering about the said "screen." Is it a text message? A status or message on facebook/myspace? It left me wondering, but the last line

An ember in my heart stirred

was absolutely lovely.




Keep writing, can't wait to see more

I like the conversational piece this has to it, sort of like we're eavesdropping on a gab fest with your best friend. However, at times the "Take a hint" actually disrupted the flow and kind of made the poem hard to read. You did bring something totally new to the love genre, as we typically don't address the insecurity we feel when heading into a new relationship. (Or crush!) I really like that you did that, because I think your readers can totally relate to that. I am wondering however why you decided to put parentheses around hopelessness. It really doesn't make sense to me and it was kind of an eyesore when I was reading the poem. Other than that, good job! Keep writing!

First of all, thank you both for replying!

Herzing: I mostly just used that specific capitalization because I guess it's just natural for me to hit enter and then capitalize. I didn't really give it too much thought. I do like the idea of changing punctuation. Even while writing it I was unsure of how to go about it.

The screen was referring to a computer screen. "Take a hint, okay" was my Facebook status that sparked the events for the poem.

Moriah: I do agree with the intrusiveness of the take a hint at times. However, I felt like without something to sort of break up the different thoughts it was even more hard to understand. Would it be better for me to simply take out a take a hint and add another replacing line? Also, which seemed to really break flow? I'm thinking more of the 3rd and 5th?

Ah, the parentheses. Here's my thought process on it. I honestly couldn't decided whether "hope for love" or "hopelessness for love" would work better. In just a draft I put hope(lessness) as a bit of a reminder to me to come back later and fix it. But as I read it more I kind of liked it. I wanted to express both emotions, the pure contradiction that many feel when they like someone...the there is no chance, but just that one look today gives me hope. Maybe I'm just crazy?

Thank you for saying I brought something new to the love genre. I always see people so confident and in love and wonder where their insecurities are, so I had to put it into a poem!

Thank you both so much! You gave really helpful advice.

Hey there. Just wanna get this straight for alla you, it's YWS, not YSW.

Nice poem though, and I like your use of parentheses. They were a nice change from what I usually see. Sweet poem too,you really did capture how people with insecurities feel.

--Dreamy

Very easy on the brain to read. I like that in a poem..

You probably should have put quotation marks ( "" ) around "Take a hint, okay?" because you followed with "I said." Other than a few punctuation and grammar errors, I enjoyed the poem for its simplicity. It adds to the overall enjoyability of the piece.

To be honest, I can't manage to figure out what this poem is about. While this type of poetry is understood mostly by the author, it shouldn't leave the reader completely bewildered. Maybe I just didn't read it right..

Anyways, good poem overall. You might want to stress slightly longer sentences, better grammar and capitalization, and better punctuation(yes, I'm a grammar freak). Still, I rather enjoyed reading it.