inside your heart.

this used to be a poem, but i arranged it and added some chords, and now i'm playing it on my guitar. hope you'll like it, and sorry if it's not properly edited. i'm looking for time for that.


inside your heart

i'm walking under the rain, my tears are falling hard
there you stand, you don't even mind
why can't you see what i want us to be
i wanna scream it loud for everyone to hear

is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart

and at the end of the road, will you wait for me
i'm on my way to that forgotten place
where my broken dreams and my shattered hopes
are all piled up and wasting away

is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart
will you learn to love me, i wanna know, i wanna know
don't tell me i'm sorry, i can't let you go, i can't let you go

i will wait for you no matter how long it would take
just come down and meet me
at the destroyed amusement park where we've met
where we've met

is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart
is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart
will you learn to love me, i wanna know, i wanna know
don't tell me i'm sorry, i can't let you go, i can't let you go
i can't let you go, i can't let you go
i can't let you go, i won't let you go

Hello, Telle_04!

Nice lyrics you have here, though there could be some improvement. First off, you should fix your capitalization and punctuation. For example...

I'm walking under the rain, my tears are falling hard.

There you stand, you don't even mind.

Why can't you see what I want us to be?

I wanna scream it loud for everyone to hear.

My corrections above are in bold. Do that for the rest of the lyrics, and it should be mostly fine. Next is the repeats.

is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart

don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart

I see you do the repeats several times in this, and I think you do it too much. Maybe not repeat so much? Also, I think it'd be better if there was a little more rhyming to this. A song doesn't have to rhyme, but it sounds much better if it does.

Otherwise though, I do like these lyrics. They are interesting and you can understand the message being put through.

Let me know if something I said doesn't make sense, you want more help, or need more critiques.

Good luck and keep writing!

~Firearris

hello, firearris.

i appreciated this. thanks for pointing this out, well..i'm not really done with editing, so mind my capitalization and punctuation.

thanks again.

`telle

Overall I thought this was really beautiful.
I liked that you didn't follow a set rhyme scheme and I thought it had really good rhythm. I could hear the song really well in my head. I heard it as slow and sort of ballady. Is that right?
There was one place that I thought the rhythm got a little off.

telle_04 wrote:i will wait for you no matter how long it would take
just come down and meet me
at the destroyed amusement park where we've met
where we've met

The third line is what seemed too long to me.

telle_04 wrote:is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart
is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart
will you learn to love me, i wanna know, i wanna know
don't tell me i'm sorry, i can't let you go, i can't let you go
i can't let you go, i can't let you go
i can't let you go, i won't let you go

I liked the subtle repetition earlier but this just seemed slightly excessive to me that every line had a lot of repetition in it.

You've got a great start here. I really like it!
Gold star for you.

-Carly


((Edit: You just got my 250th review!!!! Whoot! Five gold stars! ))

((Edit again: I just noticed your avatar and I think it's really pretty. ))

hello carlito.
thanks for the review. and i'm going to reply.

Overall I thought this was really beautiful.
I liked that you didn't follow a set rhyme scheme and I thought it had really good rhythm. I could hear the song really well in my head. I heard it as slow and sort of ballady. Is that right?
There was one place that I thought the rhythm got a little off.

i will wait for you no matter how long it would take
just come down and meet me
at the destroyed amusement park where we've met
where we've met
The third line is what seemed too long to me.

you were right about the song being slow and ballady. thanks for taking time to think over it. about the bridge..yeah, the third line is somewhat long, actually i also had a hard time thinking about the words to go with it, but i managed with this.

is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart
is there a place for me inside your heart, inside your heart
don't sit there and watch me as i fall apart, as i fall apart
will you learn to love me, i wanna know, i wanna know
don't tell me i'm sorry, i can't let you go, i can't let you go
i can't let you go, i can't let you go
i can't let you go, i won't let you go

I liked the subtle repetition earlier but this just seemed slightly excessive to me that every line had a lot of repetition in it. You've got a great start here. I really like it!
Gold star for you. .

thanks again for that. i'm glad you appreciated it.

((Edit again: I just noticed your avatar and I think it's really pretty. ))

oh and this one. thanks again.

`telle.

Hullo, Telle!

I like this song! I'd like to know how it's intended to be sang/what music it's intended to be set to.

Some of the lines carried on longer than they seemingly should've such as the line about the amusement park, but for the most part, you sustain even rhythmic pattern throughout, and I really appreciate that.

Keep writing!

June

Juniper wrote:Hullo, Telle!

I like this song! I'd like to know how it's intended to be sang/what music it's intended to be set to.

Some of the lines carried on longer than they seemingly should've such as the line about the amusement park, but for the most part, you sustain even rhythmic pattern throughout, and I really appreciate that.

Keep writing!

June

thanks for the motivation, june. actually, i already have chords for this one, and i'm working on the strumming pattern on my guitar. i'm not a good musician though, but i'm trying my best to write songs.

i'm also going to post another song here sometime. i haven't worked on the music yet, but i sing it sometimes.

hope you can do more reviews for me. thanks.

`telle.