The Pursuit (One)

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Okay guys, new story. I posted the preface in this, just because it's short and I thought it'd be lonley in a post all by itself. So tell me what you think.

Preface
Throughout the centuries, a great battle between the Wolves and the Avians has taken place. The cause of this epic battle is never to be discussed. The secrets have been locked away in the darkest of places where no living creature could ever possibly find it by the ones that began it all. And it is there, in that dark secluded space that is the key to the great mystery that one couple gets to unlock the greatest mystery of all time.
This couple that has been prophesized about for years will come together by force. The two homes will be brought together as one and rule over all realms. If not, then the darkness will take over and rule. The darkness that will suck up all realms and there will no longer be an existence.

Amelia-Twelve Years Old
Actually, I’m twelve and a half. But who’s counting? Me! Daddy doesn’t even listen to me when I try and tell him how silly he’s being by sending me away again for the summer. I tried talking to him at the dinner table, walking throughout the halls of our home, and even while he entered my sleeping quarters to give me a good night kiss. He is very firm with me when he tells me no. His mind is already made up.
My name is Amelia Woodward and I am princess of the realm we live in. The realm of the angels. At least, that’s how I think of it. Everyone here has wings. Some are bright white, like my father’s, and others are black, brown, or red. My favorite is the red ones. They all shine in the sunlight, but something about the red wings, they are magical.
That’s right. You heard me right, we have wings. Well, not me. I’m too little my daddy says. My mistress, the lady who helps me with basically everything, has wings. Her wings are brown, but she keeps them tucked away whenever I’m around. I guess she’s just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. There’s nothing I want more in the entire universe than wings.
“When you’re of age,” my father would tell me. I don’t believe him. I’ll never earn my wings.
But as of right this moment, I am wingless and in a carriage on my way to the literal hell. We visited during the winter, just for a few days, but the fact that I had to be in the same room with dogs for that long of time was hard enough. The ones with wings do not speak to the ones with paws. It’s just not right! And yet, here we are, on our way to their humble home yet again.
I don’t know all the details of our past. All I know is what Muriel, my mistress, has told me of it.
“The ones with paws are people like you and me in their human form. But they are like us in the way we have wings. They can transform their bodies into wolfs,” she told me. “We have spent centuries not speaking with them. There was an ugly battle between the two realms. I’m not quite sure why we quarrel, just that we do.”
See? Not very informative. Even though I don’t understand much of what goes on with royalty business, I know I don’t like them. And I have my reasons. Reason number one, I have to leave my castle for an entire summer. Reason number two, I have to ride in a carriage while my father, Muriel, and my other servants get to fly ahead. Reason number three—the biggest reason of them all—Tristan Thornburg.


Tristan-Thirteen Years Old

“No! I will not!”
“Oh hush. You’re unruliness is getting on my last nerves, son.”
I take in a deep breath. I am Tristan, the heir to the throne, not some child. I can fake a smile for a few days. Then, I’ll get that little girl. She’ll wish her precious daddy never stepped foot on my land. A menacing laugh rumbles through my head as a smile forms on my face.
Once again, that child is coming to ruin my summer. Other children get to run around and play during their summers, but what do I get? The responsibility to entertain a little girl. A girl! It’s impossible. Unless I play with her dolls or pretend we are a family with little kids running around. At least they get to enjoy their summer.
Ugh, what am I thinking? I won’t play with that disgusting Avian. I won’t I won’t I…
“Tristan, get ready! They’ll be here any moment,” my mother exclaims through the door I slammed in her face only moments ago.
I slam open my closet doors. Maybe if I wore the most bizarre clothing, they won’t return. Nah, they would only come back hoping that I’d have a change in style.
“It’s hopeless,” I mutter, pulling a shirt from the hanger.
I can remember what that little nuisance looks like. She is puny, like so small she could fit in one’s pocket. She has ugly brown hair that she always wears in pig tails that hang all the way down to her waist.
During her winter visit, we had gone out sledding. I had brought along my best friend Marcus, he got a kick out of that afternoon. Well, anyway we went sledding down a large mountain. She went down first, trying to prove that she’s just like one of us, and she had skidded right into a large pile of firewood. The girl has no sense of direction. One of her ridiculously long pigtails got stuck among the wood. We watched from above, clenching our stomachs with laughter, as she struggled to get herself free.
Marcus and I were still laughing when she stalked up the hill and stuck her tongue out at us. Mother didn’t laugh though.
I tuck in my shirt, put on my jacket and leave my room. It wouldn’t help evade the trespassers. It is their fault that the realms do not speak, and by creating this friendship between the royal families, they hope to join the two kingdoms. It’s a ridiculous plot and I want no part of it.
“Tristan! If you are not down stairs in two minutes I swear I will take away and play time privileges that you have. I’ll take it all. You’ll be stuck with nothing!”
I sigh and descend down the grand stair case to stand next to my mother in front of the door.
“They have arrived, your majesty,” one of our servants said.
She nodded to him and he opened the door, revealing the beginning of a horrible summer.
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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Hellooo Jayleighsmith!

I really like this! Well done. I saw the title on the YWS front page and couldn't help clicking on it and reading it. Brill title!
Characters: Well, so far I love them too. I think you have chosen magical names that really suits the story; Amelia and Tristan. You just know it's gonna be a magical story when you read their names.
Plot: So far, very good! I can't wait to see where you'll take us next!!

All in all very good and makes me wanna read more! Will you be so kind as to PM me when you have posted the next installment?? I really would like to follow this story, but at the time I have too much to do with school to regularly browse the forums.

Anyways, keep it up and hope to read more. You are really talented =D

Love, Liz!
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93




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jayleighsmith wrote: This ((The)) couple that has been prophesized ((prophesied)) about for years will come together by force.


jayleighsmith wrote: They all shine in the sunlight, but something about the red wings, they are magical.


jayleighsmith wrote: I am wingless and in a carriage on my way to the literal hell.

This sounded awkward to me 'to the literal hell'. Personally, I would say something like, '...on my way to hell. Literally.'

jayleighsmith wrote: I had brought along my best friend Marcus, he got a kick out of that afternoon.

I would split this in to two sentences instead of having a comma.
[
quote="jayleighsmith"]
I tucked in my shirt,[/quote]

jayleighsmith wrote: put on my jacket and leave ((left)) my room.


I'm already somewhat intrigued.
The only thing I'd keep in mind for coming chapters is just a lot of detail and a lot of character development. I want to really know your characters like they're real people and I want to know everything about this world because it's different from ours. (Only don't just plant a big info-dump. :)).
I think you've got a great start here! :D

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

Ask a Therapist!
I want to beta read your novel!


Ask me anything. Talk to me about anything. Seriously. My PM box is always open <3




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OOh. Thanks for the review, guys.
Liz, I'm glad you like this, and when I write more, I'll definitly pm you. Thanks for reading!
Carly, thank's for the nitpicks. I have one quick question though, wouldnt it stay 'tuck' since I want this to be in present tense? Otherwise, I'd have to change that whole sentence.


Thanks again
Jayleigh
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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Hey jayleigh, finally made it!
:D

-Prologue
Awesome job. I like your on the point description here. I mean you don't tell us too much but you tell us just enough so we get what and where this might be going. I also like the way it's written, very movie-like, in my mind.

-The rest
I like your characters, they're funny and darling. I think we need a little bit more description with how everyone looks like besides Amelia but the pace you're going at is just fine. I love Tristan, his thoughts are just funny to listen to and he sounds very entertaining! I can't wait to see more of them.
Your grammar and flow is great, there wasn't much I could nitpick on so I just left that part out, so yay!
I also like the plot that's being built here. I'm glad you gave us a hint of what's going to be going on right in the first chapter instead of a whole bunch of randomness that I find in other stories. You actually have a solid piece here and I can't wait to see what else you bring to the table!
Remember to PM me when you post more!

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Sheesh, not much to say. I doubt you have any grammatical errors, and even if you do, I will not be pointing them out, thank you very much. I believe in spell check.Anyway, I love this story!! It's REALLY cool! I love the characters. Tristian's my favorite.... :)

peace
~*~fairygirl~*~
“"Up is down"? Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful.”
~Jack Sparrow, At Worlds End



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— BlueAfrica