Please Listen

Listen to me,
Whispers the voice asking for an ear,
Please somebody heed my words,
Can't anybody hear.
-
For I can only whisper,
Not say, shout, exclaim,
Just a raspy monotone,
Trying to explain.
-
Won't anybody hear me,
Over all this foolish chatter,
Of peoples words all melted together,
Do their conversations even matter?
-
But what I have to say is important,
A discovery beyond compare,
To change this world forever,
But how am I to know you care.
-
For I am just a whisper,
In a sea of droning shouts,
Grows louder as each voice competes,
To share their words about.
-
Don't we all realize,
The small voices do the most,
And revolutionize all our lives,
Like a universal toast.
-
So please somebody listen,
Not for loud words but the hidden,
Listen for the things we actually need to hear,
It's not like it's forbidden. 

Hi Hawk

Please somebody heed my words,
Can't anybody hear.

The last line is a question it needs a question mark.

To change this world forever,
But how am I to know you care.

Here you can put a period in the first line and a question mark in the second.

Don't we all realize,
The small voices do the most,
And revolutionize all our lives,
Like a universal toast.

This is all a question you should put a question mark at the end.


I also saw that you capitalized every line. You don't have to do that for every line. Free verse is a great way to change up your poems, the way it is written doesn't have to be the same every time. Also when you write a poem like this where the questions are important to the piece be sure to put the correct end marks.

Overall I think this was a good poem. It wasn't exactly narrative, there wasn't one clear perspective it was told from and there wasn't really a story. I thought it was an interesting way to explain that even the smallest of voices have ideas for us to hear.

Hey, Hawk! June here!

Not too bad of a poem here. I'm going to go through a few stanzas of this, pointing out some things I liked, and didn't like. Let's go.

Litehawk wrote:Listen to me,
Whispers the voice asking for an ear,
Please somebody heed my words,
Can't anybody hear.
-

Although I am not much for heavy punctuating in poetry, I think that quotation marks or italics are necessary to distinguish the first line from sounding like a continued part of the rest, you know?

For I can only whisper,
Not say, shout, exclaim,
Just a raspy monotone,
Trying to explain.

I don't like the usage of "For" in writing! It's not so bad, but it's kind of boring, because it's like, why are you saying for? You can eliminate that word and have a prettier sounding line. Also! Your rhyme is wonderful. I cannot say that I actually like rhyme, but you sustain a perfect rhyme throughout, and that's good.
-

Won't anybody hear me,
Over all this foolish chatter,
Of peoples words all melted together,
Do their conversations even matter?
-

(Last stanza I will attack ) Try not to "Reinforce" what you're saying. In poetry, it's not like prose writing where a repeat may benefit the audience. Here, it's more of a boring thing, dear, because once it's said, it's said. If we don't grasp it allow to have us go back and reread, but to repeat figuratively the same idea gets boring.


*

I think you have an excellent start here. I'd recommend paying attention to meter. Rhyme relies on it -- your lines are kind of staggered a bit syllable wise, and I think it would have been entirely spifftastic if we had a stronger pacing in this that drove the poem forward. Between the rhyme and repeated ideas, the poem moved slowly.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed it. I would have liked to see a little bit more desperation about her wanting to be heard, though.

Keep writing!

- June

hi litehawk!
I really loved the poem! I think June and peanut have pointed out all the mistakes so there isn't much left for me to say.Anyways I am not really good at the criticizing thing.
I liked the rhyming scheme though the most and toast thing was a little strange.universal toast? you can perhaps replace it by another line.I would really like to listen to what you have to say!

great job
keep it up

.....july......

I am with Ruby on this one, but I would like to offer some praise. Throughout the entire poem I felt the flow of the stanzas was very good. My favorite stanza was:

So please somebody listen,
Not for loud words but the hidden,
Listen for the things we actually need to hear,
It's not like it's forbidden.

I chose this stanza because it felt the most gripping to me. Hopefully your next post is even better then this one.

Keep writing,

DayDreams

Hey Litehawk! So I don't really think this sounds like Narrative poetry, because it doesn't really tell much of a story, but never the less I enjoyed it. The only thing I had trouble with was this stanza.

Don't we all realize,
The small voices do the most,
And revolutionize all our lives,
Like a universal toast.

When you said toast, I actually pictured a slice of toast. Which I know is weird, but it took me a second to realize which kind of toast you were talking about xD. But overall I think you did a pretty good job, keep writing.

Hey Hawk!

So, this poem was pretty good. You had a message, and it was a pretty good one. I didn't like the last stanza because you seemed to jump out of your good rhythm and rhyme scheme, while attempting to force your message down the reader's throat. No so good, huh? But that's my only quibble. Keep writing!

~Amy

Hi Hawk! I'm Kat ^.^

So, I really liked this. I particularly like how even though you used common words and not that unique point of view, you managed to make it sound fresh. Plus, the rhyming really worked here, making a meaningful poem have a little bit more of a flow to it. The punctuation was good and all. I really haven't got much bad to say on this xD

My only thing with this is it's some of the grammar mistakes, punctuation mistakes and the flow is a bit sketchy at some points. AS you can see, not big matters xD So, please just take another look at this, read it out loud, check the words, revise it I think you can always develop this a bit more, because there were some parts where it felt like you were repeating yourself.

Thanks for posting!
- Kat