americano

An old man is asking for
regular coffee and nothing else in an
independent coffee shop. He
walked there after his
doctor’s appointment where he
is waiting for his daughter to
take him home. In his
cordurory slacks and beige
overcoat, he wonders where all of these
colored people came from. They’re all
scattered about and many of them don’t even
speak English. It was not even
ten years ago that this area was all white—except for this
one Arab family who owned the
dry cleaners across the way.
He is glad Beth wanted to move further up
North to be closer to Jenny and the grandkids.
Sands Point is a decent area, but the
Old man just can’t wait until the
medical insurance is accepted at
Brookville Senior Living.

That “tall Americano” is a
bit too strong for his liking, but it will
have to do until it is time to go home.

Hi there, Chevy. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I am really digging this poem. It reminds me of my hometown, cause about 20% of the population of it doesn't speak English. It also reminds me of the poetry of Greg Pape, who writes a lot about the Southwest. Really good stuff.

Anyways, back to your poem. It's rather simple, and easy to follow the story that you're trying to tell. I like that. I have a hard time seeing past descriptive language in poetry sometimes, and can often not understand what is going on. Here, there is no such worry. You lay out the story plain and simple, and get us well acquainted with this old man in a no nonsense manner that befits his character. Bravo.

So, in the end, a very good poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. If you have any questions or comments for me, just send me a PM.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

I'm not so sure about this poem, it read more like prose than actual poetry. Perhaps because it didn't flow quite like I expect poetry to. Also I wonder where the emotion is in this. It seems like you are giving us the facts and a very brief glimpse of the Old man's opinion about his neighborhood, but you don't explore how all of this makes him feel. Perhaps read this poem out loud and see if you can improve on the ryhthm.

Keep writing!

Just to point out to other people, Chevy is a former mod and (if I remember correctly) the first ever featured member (as GuitarsandCars77!). She's also a song artist with a great song titled "Boys named Macedonia":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O7uHgWRbZ8
Which evidently was quite popular in Macedonia.

I actually don't have much to say about the poem. I'd remove the bit about the Arab since it detracts from the rest of the piece and just serves as a distraction. You also switch to capitalizing the beginning of every line from "North to be closer" on even though some of the lines don't start new sentences. It may have been intentional to give heightened emphasis to those lines (and thus the feelings associated with them), but it temporarily broke me away from the prose.

However, I like the simplicity of thought and clarity of the prose. The stream of consciousness style works very well for this type of piece.

I also find the emotions within the Old Man to be rather interesting. His view on the increasing number of "colored people" does not seem to be anything other than an observation; at least at first. Later on, though, it's clear that he's just simply resigned to the fact that there are fewer white people in his area. As he's resigned to it, it's probably fair to say that if he were asked directly about it, he'd say something about how great the town was ten years ago without ever bringing up the issue of race. So though he is resigned and though his thoughts make it look like a mere observation, this development does come off as negative.

If that were it for the piece, I'd say it was good but not great. You've given life to the Old Man; enough life that I can imagine what it'd be like to meet him and even put words into his mouth. However, it's not anything special.

Yet, those last three lines are what make the piece. A "Tall Americano" is your delicious piece of dry irony - so hidden as to be almost inconspicuous. The concept that he's ordering a drink with a Hispanic sounding name just never enters his mind. And so ingrained is that concept that he just doesn't realize that their culture and his culture are melding together.

Interesting poem. I enjoyed it, and glad to see you around.

Hey Chevy, lovely seeing you ^^ This is a very interesting poem, I'm going to echo Nate and say I love the thought process and the simple feel to it. You've made some good word choices and it makes its point without being over obtrusive. I love that. Quiet but firm and that little touch of irony. It's like an extended joke and you have a smooth set up and then the perfect punch line.

A few comments/ suggestions:

is waiting for his daughter to

Until this line you've made excellent choices of where to have the line breaks. I love how you always break before a significant word or phrase that emphasises the man's personality and his status as an old American white man. I don't know if it's intentional but it's great! I think this line should have started with waiting instead.

scattered about and many of them don’t even
speak English. It was not even

I don't like the repetition of even. I'd suggest removing this second use of it.

ten years ago that this area was all white—except for this

The use of 'this' feels a little weak, I'd suggest that because it seems less personal adn more removed from the family. It's a harsher sounding word and seems like it would fit his opinions.

In general, I loved it. Keep up the good work

I like the story behind this! It reminds me of my own town, too, just like Conrad, though for different reasons. My town (of about 4,000) is about 99% white, and I have no idea what else. Even though we live up north, some of my neighbors act like they were born and raised on a plantation in Georgia a hundred years ago. I could easily imagine this being any one of my neighbors, and that's what I really enjoy about this poem. Only one thing bothered me about this, and that was the way you split the lines up. There didn't seem to be any kind of rhythm or pattern to it, an it threw me off a bit. But that's the only thing.

So great work! I enjoyed it!

I really like this poem; it had that sad, nostalgic feel to it, about a guy whose ideas and visions seem to not fit the changing world. I also liked the precise, narrow feel of his thoughts in a coffee shop; it was very much taking a big idea and translating it into small details.
Besides that, not much else to day. Great job and keep up the good work.
Empress

Hey Morgan! Nice to see you back in these here parts.

I'm not sure your poem really kicks into gear until the last stanza, which is sad. The first part needs a lot of work. The line breaks and strange, and, well, there's just too much explaining going on. It's almost inner dialogue of a fiction piece. It strikes me as just too boring. I think you can be more creative (especially with your talents) in presenting the old man's prejudices and thoughts (which you did much better with the coffee metaphor).

Good luck in any revisions, and hope to see you around some more.

Thank you to everyone for your remarks on this piece. I must admit, it was rather loosely written in a coffee shop. I saw an older gentleman at the counter ordering "just a plain coffee." He made eye contact with me and immediately I felt compelled to create a story around him.

Again, thank you everyone for your criticism there will be revisions in the near future. I hope to show my face around more often this year.

Hey, Chevy!

I enjoy this poem for the relaxed prose tone to it. I do agree with Jack, though, on the comment that this doesn't pick up until the later half of the poem. I suppose it's not a terribly bad thing, but it would probably be made less distinct if you elaborated more.

As Nate mentioned, this old man is just observing, which I like, but there seems like there's room to add more. More about the people, maybe how are they looking at him? (I don't mean to get in their heads and speak outwardly for them), but he made eye contact with you. How did you look at him? Moreover, I got a sense of remorse from him for the fact that a place that he knew, or may have known, had changed so much, but it's shadowed, and I think a clearer image would be appreciated.


In spite of all I just said, I really like this poem for its simplicity, style, and even though there's the space for improvement, I really love the way you presented this.

Cheers,

June