Losing Love

How can I be here without him?
How can a coin be cut in half?
How can love vanish, and leave me here alone?
Why did my body not follow my heart?
//
I don’t suppose you know this feeling.
I suppose it’s too hard for you to find empathy.
I don’t suppose you’ve ever had your soul ripped out,
So I can’t expect you to show me sympathy.
//
Try to understand what’s filling up my head,
Try to understand the pain, the loss.
Try to understand what it’s like to carry this hole,
This bleeding wound where my heart once was.
//
When he was lifted up by angels,
When they took him to his rightful heaven,
When they let him through their shining gates,
I was left a hell to live in.
//
Please, spare me your plastic sorrow
Please, spare me your reptilian tears
Acting like this belongs on a stage.
Are you expecting a round of cheers?
//
You can’t reach me.
You can’t touch me
You can’t save me.
No-one could, except him.
And he’s gone.
//
//
<i>This is purely fictional, please don't feel sorry for me! I'm fairly sure this fits in dramatic poetry, but if not, I apologise. Paragraphs are still refusing to work for some reason, so I've resorted to moar slashes...</i>

Hello Saraneth. I think you could work on on the rhythm of this poem. When somethings written in this couplet style the beat of the syllables drives it and this could be tightened up a bit maybe. The imagery is all good, but musically this could be a little better. Blakes good to read to see how this can be done really well. Hope this makes sense.

Hey Sanareth!

Well, this is a morbid poem! I'm guessing the he in the poem is dead now... and I am guessing the narrator is a she, so those are the pronouns that I'm going to be using in this critique. ^^

The first stanza I don't quite like because it asks a bunch of questions, any of which can be made into an entire poem! Plus, it doesn't really tell us that he's dead... it makes it sound like it's starting off as a break-up poem, and not really an interesting one at that. Later on, of course, you get more clues as to what their relationship is, but I would like you to start off with us knowing about the loss and then just deepening the conflict and the misery... if this makes sense. It's not enough for her to yell at us because we can't understand... we got to know what's happened that has made her feel this way. And then we'll understand that we can never understand. If that makes sense!

Good luck with this poem!

Thank you both- I'll get to work on improving it.

Seriously i don't like the poem (am entitiled to my opinion)
Its for a reason, you first of all made me think he left you which later prove false, again you are suppose to be expressing your feelings to make me understand and yet you keep discouraging me from wanting to understand by the constant repetion of i dont know how it feels.
Work on the hole concept.
And sorry if i was too harsh

Thank you for your honesty, El Finito. Your comments will be taken into account.

Hey there!

Hmm, I'm sort of iffy about this poem. You have a good idea, but there are some major problems along the way. One if the questions that you ask. You don't expand on them! You could do so much with the answers, that it feels a shame just to leave them there. Number two is the way the poem sounds when I read it out loud. I don't know if this makes sense, but it sounds sort of meandering and not very rhythmical, which is how poems could ideally sound. But, that's not too big a problem because some wonderful poems are written in that way. What adds to the problem is the way you've written this, it makes it sound more like prose (hence the meandering) rather than a poem. And, thirdly, is the sort of cliché language you've used here. It's really hard to connect to the narrator in question when all I, as the reader, am being given is scraps of rather overused imagery that doesn't add to the poem.

It's a nice start, but it does need some work.

~Amy

Hey Sanareth! I'm Kat ^.^

So, as Snoink, I didn't really liked the first stanza. They're only questions, and those can be tricky in poetry. But! They can also be good, when the answers are something powerful and striking. As Amy, I believe you could have done so much with the answers. Also, because the questions are a bit cliché, if the answers were something really original it would have the shot of balancing the poem. Like this, I think it's not very strong.

The repetition of the beginnings of the second and third stanzas also doesn't help. It gets... boring. Sorry. But! There is this awesome stanza in the whole thing.

Please, spare me your plastic sorrow
Please, spare me your reptilian tears
Acting like this belongs on a stage.
Are you expecting a round of cheers?

I really liked this. It was, by far, the best part of the poem.

So, take another look at it and thanks for posting!
- Kat