“I’m warning you!” he yelled, pleased that his voice sounded reasonably steady. “I’m armed and dangerous, and I’m a highly trained… ninja elf!”
“No, you’re not,” Todd whimpered at his feet. Barney smacked him in the head with the candy cane.
There was more laughter from the woods, and then two men emerged from between the trees. The first wouldn’t have looked out of place on an episode of the “Sopranos.” He had a bald head that sat on his broad shoulders like a bowling ball and a heavy gait that exuded menace. Gold gleamed in his right ear and at his fingers, and his impeccably clean suit was more suited to the red carpet than the middle of the North Pole.
His companion looked like a dog that had been kicked too many times. He was scrawny, with a drooping moustache and sickly yellowish skin. The end of his nose was twitching, and a pair of bright pink bunny ears sprouted from the top of his head. A basket looped over his arm was filled with the same kind of eggs that had just blasted open the gate.
“Well, well,” Barney drawled, crossing his arms so they couldn’t see his shaking hands. He took a few steps to the right and planted himself in front of the twisted, smoking jumble of metal that had once been the front gate. “Look who we have here. The Easter Bunny and darling little Cupid.”
“Don’t,” the bald man hissed, “call me Cupid.” He suddenly had a gun in his hand. On the ground, Todd sobbed something that sounded a lot like “Mommy.”
Barney eyed the gleaming weapon warily. “Gonna shoot me?” he asked, managing to sound calm despite the fear zinging through his veins. “That’ll put you on the Naughty List for sure.”
The Easter Bunny giggled. “Shoot him! Shoot him!”
“Shut up, E.B.,” Cupid snapped. The gun tilted a fraction of an inch, as though he was considering shooting his companion, before turning back to point at Barney’s chest. “Now, if you don't mind, we have an appointment with dear old Santa. Get out of the way, shorty.”
“Or he’ll kill you,” the Easter Bunny said with relish.
“What is this?” Barney asked, his hand inching towards his radio. He wondered if they’d shoot him before he had time to raise the alarm. “Is this supposed to be some kind of… terrorist attack? An invasion by Bunny Man and Stupid Cupid?”
The safety clicked off the gun.
“You fool,” Cupid all but growled. His earring glinted in the setting sun as he moved closer. Barney automatically took a step back. “Don’t you know what I can do? One shot from this gun and I can make you fall in love with anything or anyone – a cat, Mrs. Claus, even a pine cone. Do you like making out with inanimate objects, elf?”
“No,” Barney said, even though that wasn’t necessarily true. He had certainly enjoyed kissing his pillow when he was fourteen, though, to be fair, it had had a picture of Mother Nature taped on it.
Movement in the woods behind the two men suddenly caught his eye. Something was moving between the trees. Snow crunched loudly, as though something immense was walking across it. The Easter Bunny whirled around, clutching a brightly colored egg grenade in his hand.
Cupid didn’t take his gaze off of Barney. “What’s behind me, E.B.?”
“It’s a…” E.B. took a step closer to the trees, squinting. His nose twitched. “It’s some kind of – ”
A reindeer stepped out of the woods, a puff of air blowing out of its nostrils as it snorted. A black hoof pawed the snow and it lowered its antlers. With a jolt, Barney recognized the dark blue halter – it was Prancer, the beast that had been haunting his nightmares for months.
Cupid, seeing the expression on his face, slowly turned around, and swore explosively. Barney seized the opportunity to reach for his radio again. This time, it unclipped from his belt easily. He turned it on, jumping as a loud crackle of static burst from it. To his immense relief, the two men were in the middle of a stare down with Prancer and didn’t react.
“Sally?” the elf whispered, holding the radio to his mouth. “Sally, we have a situation down at the front gate.”
Silence except for static, and then Sally warily said, “What kind of situation?”
Prancer suddenly lunged forward, making a weird sound halfway between a gurgle and a bellow. Cupid fired the gun, hitting him in the side, but the reindeer kept coming like a freight train. It plowed right into him, sending him flying ten feet through the air. The bald man crumpled at Barney’s feet, groaning. Todd screamed and scrambled to his feet, hat askew and uniform powdered with snow.
“No!” the Easter Bunny screamed as the reindeer turned to face him. He was shaking worse than Todd.
“Barney?” came Sally’s voice from the radio. She sounded annoyed. “Is this some kind of joke? Answer me, you idiot!”
The Easter Bunny lobbed an egg grenade at the reindeer, but it hit a tree instead and exploded. The smell of smoke filled the cold air and the tree slowly toppled over, branches on fire. Prancer tossed his head and charged at the Easter Bunny, sending him sprawling.
This was apparently too much for Todd. He spun on his heel and sprinted through the open gate, the jingling of his hat bell slowly fading as he ran.
Alone, Barney faced the reindeer. The candy cane in his sweaty hands suddenly seemed as useless as a curling iron.
“Good Prancer,” he said, slowly backing away. “Stay… Good reindeer.”
To his surprise, the animal just blinked at him. And then Barney saw it.
An arrow jutted out of Prancer’s side, the arrow that Cupid had shot from the gun. The end was tipped with a big, pink heart. And the reindeer was staring at him with… absolute adoration.
“Oh no,” Barney whispered.
