The Band (prologue)

Hey! My names Emma, and I am Officially 18! Yay and adult! I live in a tiny town called Ashes, which is in the middle of nowhere. I have been living there my whole life. Ya I know lame. It's the type of place where you know allmost everyone, and you can walk to most places that are necessary.
So any way for you girls out there who have most likely started freaking out since i said 'town of Ashes' because your wondering if it is indeed "THE town of Ashes",(for the rest of you who are now confused 'THE town of Ashes' is the place where Sky Flyer grew up and started up. If your still confused 'Sky Flyer is one of the most famous all guys band of this age since they have been awesome since the age of 14 and 16 so if you don't know them go look them up) so to answer your question [i]yes[i]it is, and that starts my story. We have to go back to when i was 13...


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Ok so this is my first time writing a story so i really hopw you like it!!

Hello! This is very promising for your first story. I'll try and help you make the prologue shine a little more.

First of all, grammar.

My names Emma, and I am Officially 18!

It should be either "name is" or "name's". Then, officially shouldn't be capitalized. And, I'm not completely sure of the rule on numbers, but I would just write out eighteen.

Yay and adult!

Should be "an" adult. Also, I would take out the yay entirely. Maybe replace it with finally instead?

I have been living there my whole life.

Rather than "been living" I would suggest saying "lived". Also, if your main character is still living in Ashes, I would change "there" to "here".

So any way for you girls out there who have most likely started freaking out since i said 'town of Ashes' because your wondering if it is indeed "THE town of Ashes",(for the rest of you who are now confused 'THE town of Ashes' is the place where Sky Flyer grew up and started up. If your still confused 'Sky Flyer is one of the most famous all guys band of this age since they have been awesome since the age of 14 and 16 so if you don't know them go look them up) so to answer your question [i]yes[i]it is, and that starts my story. We have to go back to when i was 13...

Okay. This whole second paragraph was pretty confusing. It's just one big run on sentence, it seems like. Some parts made sense, but I had to reread it a couple times to understand what you meant. I'd suggest removing the whole explanation of Sky Flyer from the middle of the sentence (basically everything in between the parentheses) and make it into its own sentence AFTER you finish answering the girls' questions of if it is THE town of Ashes. And then, I didn't understand the whole thing about their age. Have they been a band since they were 14 and 16? Have they been famous since they were 14 and 16? Are there just two of them?

Also, why do you have to go back to when she's 13? I didn't understand.

Please, please, please, just read through this. So many of the mistakes and confusion I pointed out could be caught if you read through it. Let the piece sit for a couple of days or even a couple of weeks, then look at it again with fresh eyes. Print out a hard copy and read through it with a red pen in hand. This technique will help you catch typos and inconsistencies.

This really is good. I love stories like this. It's got a lot of potential, but also needs a lot of work. Feel free to PM me with any questions.

Happy writing!
Airbear

Not bad for a first time! Hello Dance, I'm Lucy. So, there were a couple things that caught my eye in this story. Some of my comment's might be from Airbear's, but that's okay!

So, first of all, I didn't really get what the prologue was about? It looked like something you would find on a web site for a welcome/greeting. It's a little confusing there.
Second, there were a few typos and grammatical errors. I'll point them out for you.

My names Emma, and I am Officially 18! Yay and adult!

Okay, you need an apostrophe after the e in name. Then lowercase the O. Then in the second sentence, put a comma after yay, and I think you mean an. Simple typo, no worries! Just make sure you slow down a bit when typing and be sure to read over it again before posting.

Ya I know lame. It's the type of place where you know allmost everyone, and you can walk to most places that are necessary.

Here, it's best to do the whole word, yeah. Then put a comma after yeah, and one after know. Then allmost is actually spelled almost. Watch out for typos!

"THE town of Ashes",

In a situation like this, it's best to do THE in italics. It puts more emphasis on the word so we know it's important.

so to answer your question yes[i]it is, and that starts my story. We have to go back to when i was 13...

When you do italics, be sure to make sure that the last code for the italics has a slash before the i, like this: Otherwise, it doesn't work and the weird code thing shows up in your story.

Well, as I said before, not bad on the story. All of my comments are just suggestions, so you can choose whether you want to listen to them or ignore them. It's you're story, and you're in charge. Just think about it from the reader's view. I agree with Airbear, these stories take a lot of work. I hope you're dedicated! Good luck with your story!

Lucy Pennykettle

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I see your new and I know this site can be a little intimidating at first, but why don't you head over to the 'Community' board. (Tab up top right next to 'My YWS' and 'Read/Write'), and introduce yourself in the 'Welcome' thread. We (as in YWS) would love to get to know you a little more.

Anyway....

2singANDdance wrote:Hey! My names Emma, and I am Officially 18! Yay and adult!

This sounds slightly juvenile to me. I would change the 'officially' to 'finally' and take out the 'yay an adult'. It still shows that she's really excited about being 18, but it sounds a little more sophisticated.

2singANDdance wrote: I live in a tiny town called Ashes, which is in the middle of nowhere. I have been living there my whole life.
I would combine these two sentences. Something like 'I've lived in the tiny town called Ashes my entire life.' And then I'd combine the 'middle of nowhere' part with the next sentence.

2singANDdance wrote:Ya I know lame. It's the type of place where you know allmost everyone, and you can walk to most places that are necessary.

I'd take out the 'Ya I know lame'. Also, where is the middle of nowhere? Canada? California? The Midwest? Speceify that a little more and combine it with the 'It's the type of place...'

2singANDdance wrote: So any way for you girls out there who have most likely started ((been)) freaking out since i said 'town of Ashes'((,)) because your wondering if it is indeed "THE town of Ashes" ,(for the rest of you who are now confused 'THE town of Ashes' is the place where Sky Flyer grew up and started up. If your still confused 'Sky Flyer is one of the most famous all guys band of this age since they have been awesome since the age of 14 and 16 so if you don't know them go look them up) so to answer your question yes[i]it is, and that starts my story. We have to go back to when i was 13...

There are a lot of long sentences here and it's kind of confusing, so I put in some ideas that [i]I think would sound good.
Ok so, basically I think this could all be reworded in to one much shorter sentence. 'For you girls out there who have been freaking out since I said 'town of Ashes', it is indeed "THE town of Ashes" where Sky Flyer grew and started up.'
Why cut so much out?
Well, by saying exactly who Sky Flyer is, it eliminates suspense. By not saying who they are, the reader wants to read more and figure out more.
If you wanted you could add 'the amazing band' or something before 'Sky Flyer grew and started up', just to eliminate some confusion.
And instead of 'And that starts my story', I would say something like 'Why does all of this matter?', or something along those lines. What you had before was okay, but the way I reworded it, that's what sounds best to me.

I know I just gave you a ton of suggestions and stuff so take them if you want. And don't get discouraged! This is pretty good for your first story.

-Carly