War Stories

A uniform lay folded in a closet,
Dust gathered from months of still,
Unseen, unremembered for so long,
Past glistening medals commemorating a kill.

Years before it was worn with honor,
A young man, serving well,
Fighting for his country's freedom,
And numerous tales to tell.

Now the conflict is in his mind,
A battle field anew,
Fighting shame and painful memories,
Torturous thoughts start to brew.

Not forgotten is the uniform,
But put into exile out of guilt,
A man weeps at his bed.
Tears and blood had been spilt.

Purple ribbons gold stars meant nothing,
Only in the moment did they live,
Rewarded for loyalty, a father had died,
His son the blame to give.

Hi Hawk! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing, 'kay?

So, the first thing I noticed here, structure wise, it that you have every first word capitalized. While some people might tell you that that is a must in poetry, that is not true. Poetry is a free form, as there is free verse xD so you can capitalize whatever you want, or even none at all! Capitalizing things gives it a read, a different meaning and another way to look at it. I can see that in some places, for example the second line, it's not needed. Now, I do see that there is a period in the line above, and that leads me to...

Point number two! Way too many periods in this. For example, in the end of the first line either a comma or a semi-colon would do much better. The periods sometimes are a down thing, for they cut off the thought, they end the feeling of the lines. It's like 'The End'. I try to avoid them, but there are some places where it they are well placed. I'm not going to nit-pick, pointing them all out, because I think that if you give it a second read, try out loud, you'll find them Also, a comma after 'before' in the first line of the second stanza, and that's it, I can't nit-pick anymore! xD

Rhyming scheme... it can be a really tricky thing. That's why we, writers, made up the free verse xD Anyway, there are some spots were it seems forced. For example, the third stanza. I've learned we shouldn't build the poems around the rhymes, but let come and flow in

For emotion, I give you an all five stars. it is very well portrait here, and this poem is very powerful in that way. For the emotion, and imagery. So, I'll click the star thingy for that ^.^

Hope I've helped! Thanks for posting this, and feel free to PM me if you have questions!
- Kat

I agree with Kat about the emotion, it is amazing in this piece. Good job on that. And the full stops were sort of odd. I don't think I've ever seen that many periods in a poem. But I think here they may have been a good thing. I thought they sort of let me pause to think about what happened? Or something like that I don't really know how to explain it. But as Kat said you could use semi colons instead of some many periods. They would still cause a pause but it would be different.

Hope I helped.
~peanut~

Well, it has some good moments, but overall the way you constructed the sentences (in order to fulfill the rhyme) sometimes makes for a jolting effect. It would be good if you could alter the punctuation to allow for more fluidity.
That said, you handled the topic well. One change I would make to the wording is the use of "shiny" in the first stanza. It comes across as a mundane choice, not to mention it feels slightly juvenile compared to the maturity you show through the rest of the work. "Shining" might work better.

I'm glad to have read this, so thank you.

––antimelrose

Thanks, I fixed the punctuation and the bad adjective. I agree it was kinda a poor word choice.

Hi, I'm Grin

Kat and Sarah are right, this is so emotional, it's very nice indeed.

My main nitpick - I don't think anyone else said it - is that you've dropped into Yoda-speak. That would be fine, but it's only a couple of lines:

Not forgotten is the uniform

and

His son the blame to give.

If you're going to do this, do it all the way through. Otherwise it seems a little messy, like you don't know quite where you're going with it. I'm sure that's not true, but it seems that way at first glance.

But, you have a lovely story. It's very sad and sweet. I really enjoyed it.

Hope I helped
~Grin

Beautiful and poignant, really emotional. Grin summed it up for me, so I don't think I'll be much help here. Anyways, I liked how you described the excitement and thrill of the battle and the guilt afterwards. I only wish I could write as well as this. T_T

Robyn.

Hello!

So really my only beef with this is the rhythm. It seems like you tried to force yourself into rhyming (as has been said above) and you ended up throwing the rhythm off. Some of the lines read quicker than they should, especially in the second stanza:

Years before it was worn with honor,
A young man, serving well,
Fighting for freedom,
So many tales to tell.

The first two lines of this stanza are fine. But then you get to the second two. Line three should have about the same rhythm as line one. Same with two and four. But three just gets really short, and even though four might have been okay, three throws the whole thing off. Try to change "Fighting for freedom" to something a bit longer. A suggestion (not sure how good of a suggestion it is, but here goes): "Courageously going to battle for freedom."

I suggest reading the poem again and making note of how rhythmically it reads; if any line seems short, lengthen it. If it seems long, shorten it so that the rhythm scheme fits with your rhyme scheme.

I'm not going to harp on that anymore; I'm sure you can find and fix the weak spots now that you know what's up.

This is a good idea and good poem. Many military members will have those types of flashbacks and guilt about wherever they served, so this wasn't at all far-fetched. You started telling us how upset the soldier was, but I think the line that drove it home was "Purple ribbons and gold stars meant nothing." You mean this guy gets some of the top honors and hates what he's done so much that he doesn't even care? So much that he hides them? That's very deep. You show a man with a conscience. Great job!

Hope to see more of you!
Take care.
-Vanadis

Hey there!

So, I really liked this piece. Your rhyme scheme isn't too bad at all; it definitely isn't that forced which is a lovely thing to see. Your rhythm needs some work in places, but if you just read it through out loud you'll be able to pick up on that. And, as people have said, the emotion in the piece is absolutely lovely. So thumbs up!

~Amy

Hi,

I also really liked this piece and I agree with Amy (Aqua) your rhyme scheme isn't forced which is great. I also think that you need to work on the rhythm a bit. But that aside I thought that the subject was great. So well done for that. I particularly liked the idea of the medals and of what they actually symbolify. I made me think which is really good.

Overall Well Done!
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Hey there!

I'm going to backup Antimel here and say that I do agree with her on the fact that, yes, some of the ways that you construct your lines does make for a not-so-smooth read.

Nonetheless, let's get the ball rolling, and I will say that you have a good poem here, but you need to cut down and build up. Your narrative style is pretty boring -- and the rhythm of it isn't working too well for me. Cut back on the extra tell-y parts and show us this story without telling it to us flat out.

And, that may sound a little ironic considering that this is narrative poetry! Remember to distinguish your poetry from prose in a sense that you should word things more creatively and so on, such forth. I think I was going to say something of relevance here, but, I forgot. Bah.

Anhywhooooo, thank you for the read! Pretty enjoyable, just needs a touch or few of tweaking. Best of luck!

June

The poem ends on a very strong and painful note.

The flashback of the memories is a very creative way of telling the reader about war.The realisation of the damage the war had caused to so many people made the soldier realise shockingly that fighting after all had a bad effect.

All the medals received which at that moment would have made him proud now fill his hear with shame.

Excellent