maguindanao massacre

MAGUINDANAO MASACRE

melvin banggollay



What a nightmare for the Filipinos

57 civilians were brutally murdered

by a group of armed men out of the blues

just yesterday by those who butchered.



What a pity, civilians and journalists

and all those who joined the entourage

of politicians on their way, perished

after they were taken as hostage.



What was worst all were brutally ambushed

by heavily armed men and private army civilians

with the presence of some government officials

of the police and reigning local politicians.



I just hope the reigning administration

in the place had no hand or contribution

in this more terroristic act of abomination

just to secure their power and position.



DammMMMMMMMnnnned you who have done such crime

You are more than moron, lower than waste

You're more than satan in any point of time

and not Filipinos for you killed without haste.



Devine God or Allah of heaven and earth

Lift the souls and forgive these pitifull victims

and bless with strength their families to unearth

courage to face sorrows and fight for justice.



Let your own way of justice come to play

in the lives of those who murdered brutally

these civilians and journalists on their way

and if possible, torment their own soul and body

that they will surrender to face judgement day.

Hi, I'm Grif.

This piece has a pretty gritty topic, a massacre. There are a lot of emotions that can come from a massacre; such as anger, outrage, sorrow, and shame. You mention them all in some way, but somehow this piece manages to fall flat.

The tone, for one, seems very detached, until the end when the narrator is praying to God. These prayers seem insincere though, since there was no outrage and emotion visible in the earlier parts of the poem.

Phrases like "What a pity," and "What a nightmare for the Filipinos" make it detached, since it isn't your problem, but someone elses problem. This is in deep contrast to the cursing done later. This dual identity of the narrator, as an impartial observer and a horrified observer, causes the entire poem to fall flat.

I do like that they are damned, but it is too little to be satisfying.

Hi, I'm Grin.

This is nothing like my usual forte, and, as always, I have my nitpicks, but there were things about it that I really liked.

First of all, the way it doesn't rhyme. Too many poets these days are focused on rhyming and forget about the story they're telling, and the rhythm of it. Your topic is very intense, which might make people a little nervous or upset, but you're obviously not shying away from it and it really helps your style.

However, this still needs a lot of work. When you write something about such a sensitive topic, you need to make sure you're letting your emotions show through. You're saying things like "What a pity" in a way that a reader might see as sarcastic. Now, I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but if that's how it comes across you need to do a lot of work to get this right.

Your problem seems to be that you're just putting the facts down in verse. What poetry is really about is putting emotions into words, and showing your reader how you feel.

This needs work, but you have the makings of something here, so it's worth giving it some more time and effort.

Hope that helped.
~Grin

Hey Melvin,

I reinforce Grif's point about this poem seeming detached. There's not enough in this to make us sympathize with the victims of all of this. I think that in order to remedy this you can use more imagery, break down the formality of your speech a few notches and perhaps not speak in such a distant-observer voice. Perhaps imagine if you had been on the streets at the time. What might have that been like?

In addition, try not to rhyme so much! Rhyming can be good sometimes, but don't do it so outwardly; it restricts creativity a lot; there's little to appreciate here.

June

I agree with the other posts this could have had so much more emotion. I felt like you were just telling us what happened instead of describing what was going on. I want to know if the smell of blood hung in the air or if people were shouting or screaming in rage or sadness you don't tell that only the facts. Put more description in it and it will be a lot more emotion in the piece. Good luck

~peanut~

Hi Melvin,

What I like most about this poem is that it's focused. It stays on topic and flows well. As Grin mentioned above, it is intense. I like intense poetry. However you have to let the emotions show through more in this poem. In the beginning it seemed more like an journalistic article put into stanzas. I think you should focus on the emotional side of this. Delve deep into your own emotions, your feelings regarding this event and write with passion, whether it be hatred, grief, remorse, or anger. That will give the poem the spark it lacks right now. The last few stanzas were my favorite as you managed to make me, as a reader feel and care more about the victims mentioned in your poem. There was more emotion in the later stanzas. Keep that up.

Good luck!