Underwater Kiss [EDITED]

Okay, this is my first attempt at poetry. I'm quite rubbish at it but I'll let you tell me that yourselves Enjoy.

Underwater Kiss

It’s cold down here,
while the water breathes.
It steals the air from my lungs,
and slowly, it consumes me.

Life’s most unexceptional memories
resemble heaven in these moments,
But no reminisce of the past
can ever save me now.

There is nothing where I am,
but reminders of your black heart.
There is just that, this hell,
and the current it’s carried by.

Wait, this hurts, I think.
My screams disguise themselves as bubbles.
I kick for the surface, frenzied,
but these chains weren’t made for escaping.

I regret it, I’m sorry! I cry,
but I know it’s too late
I start fading and I begin to realise,
I don’t want to die anymore.

But the kiss of death is near.
She calls to me softly.
The whispers of the ocean paralyze me
as I wistfully wither away.

It’s cold down here,
while the water breathes.
It steals the air from my lungs,
and slowly, it consumes me.

Xirenia! Welcome to YWS!

I think this poem is weird, because this person is drowning in the ocean. We don't know why she is in the ocean and that might help develop her character. Was it one of those did she fall overboard, did her ship sink, or what?

Also, some of the imagery is... weird. Like water breathing. I don't know what that looks like.

There is nothing where I am,
but reminders of your black heart.
There is just that, this hell,
and the ocean it’s buried in.

No one deserves this but you,
who left me here to die.
I have lost the surface now,
and I am clouded in suffocation.

Um... did I just translate into the metaphor/verse continuum here? This seems to be unrelated to the character drowning in the ocean. Unless the ocean is supposed to mean something. I don't know anymore. There is real ocean and metaphorical ocean; and I'm not really sure which one you are referring to anymore.

Yeah... I should probably stop before I get confused and confuse you in the process.

As I said. I really know nothing about writing poetry. I'll go over it tomorrow morning and try fix it.
It's no surprise you don't understand it though. I'm a novelist to the core. Nevertheless I will try and make it less confusing >.<

Hey, Xirenia! I'll tell you, I've been critiquing a lot of first time poets lately, and sometimes I don't believe them since the poetry is so good! Are a lot more people just being born with natural talent? I don't know, but let's take a look at Underwater Kiss!

It was a beautiful poem, almost absolutely flawless. I can't believe you're a first timer! However, my major problems lies with what griffinkeeper said. Your main character is underwater, so she's not going to think clearly, and she's especially not going to be able to describe things in such great detail.

It is an interesting concept, so please don't scrap it! To make it more realistic, I would do one of two things:

If you want to keep your poem in first person, your character is just going to have to think a little less clearly. You could intentionally misspell words, write in fragments, or use ellipses. Remeber, in first person, you're limited to what your narrator thinks and feels. If you decide to remain in first person and put a little time and effort into this, it could turn out fantastically.

Change this to third person! You'll be able to keep all of the lyrical beauty that you already have without the constraints of first person.

Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will turn out fantastically. Please PM me when you post an edited version of this, or if you decide to post anything more in the future!

Ta Ta.

I'm also surprised at your first attempt at poetry. GAH, how dare you be better than me???
XD
Great job.

Xirenia wrote:Life’s most unexceptional memories
resemble heaven in these moments,
But no reminisce of the past
can ever save me now.

this was the most awesome stanza in the history of stanzas and awesome-ness.
I agree with Elinor-- your poem seems to be that of peaceful reflection, like if you're actually in an underwater bubble, observing yourself die (what?)
... I don't know what I'm saying. It feels like it needs to be angrier, more frantic.
Also, this poem reminded me of a song called Opheliac by Emilie Autumn. The chorus goes something like :
You might have seen the end
But you were never able
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away
Or, if you want to keep it the way it is, you can write this poem from the point of view of the person who put her in the water, the person you refer to as having a black heart.
O.o
Sorry if this was pointless rambling, but awesome job. Keep up the great work.
Empress

I think this is an incredible first poem, Xirenia! Don't ever doubt your own talent! Your vocabulary is very distinct and flowing, and the splits in between stanzas are well placed. My favorite part was this:

Life’s most unexceptional memories
resemble heaven in these moments,
But no reminisce of the past
can ever save me now.

Those first two lines are brilliant! I always notice that when something unfortunate happens in life, even the most insignificant memories can seem like heaven, as you said, and you want nothing else but to have everything the way it was then. A beautiful way to word it!

Also, I like how you repeated the first stanza at the end. It was well timed, unlike a lot of attempts I've see. Sometimes, you'll see one or two lines repeated every other stanza or so, and it just gets so old! But you were smart about this one, and I commend you!

So yeah, great, brilliant, smart, awesome job! Thanks for sharing this with everyone and keep it up!

Hi there, Xirenia! I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

For a first poem, this is pretty good. The only thing that I'm not really understanding is how the speaker ended up in this position. There's a vague reference to someone else, and them deserving this instead of her, but that's it. I think this would be a lot better if you elaborated on the circumstances behind this a little more.

Other than that, this is a good poem. Thank you for sharing it with us! Send me a PM if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

I found myself reading this over and over again. This is one piece of exceptional writing for a first attempt. I dont normally comment but I really did like this.
I like to think that this would be a very close description to the feeling of drowning. I think that it would be in this moment you are, for the first time, thinking clearly and you would review every little detail, the lines:

Life’s most unexceptional memories resemble heaven in these moments,

Every single little memory that may have seemed insignificant at that time now seem like the best moments of your life!

Also, what i think would be going through your mind is why you're in that position:

No one deserves this but you,who left me here to die.

It sounds as if someone has put you in this position by either breaking your heart or physically thrown you into the ocean, i'm not sure.

This poem creates good imagery and makes me think, altohugh i am not quite sure how to picture "breathing water" lol

All in all this poem really made me think and i really liked it. Nothing to really criticize. Keep up the good work!