Don't you know?

Don't you know,
You funny little adolescent,
That there's small death
At the bottom of every beer?

Omigosh I like this.
It's short, but it ends with a sort of "thwack" sound. It sticks in your mind.

Hi there. I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I don't like this poem. For one, the tone that it uses sounds very demeaning. And, if my prior experience as an adolescent has taught me anything, they don't like to be talked down to. If you really want people to take something away from this, I would suggest losing that demeaning tone. That would also probably clear up how I feel about this as well.

Aside from that tone, this is a good poem. But that tone sets you back a bit. If you fix it, you ought to do just fine. Send me a PM if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

I disagree with Conrad, actually. I don't see your tone as demeaning, really, just kind of tired of the mistakes that you write about. You have a very short poem, but I think you made up for that with directness and having a good message. This is the kind of thing that I always think about, and it's cool to see someone else who has the same kind of opinions that I do. There was only one tiny thing that I didn't like about this poem, and that was the use of the word "funny." When I think of a young person who might be irresponsible or ignorant, I wouldn't tag them as "funny," even in the "strange" sense. I would use a word that was more in line with the message, and one that would slam that message home more effectively. But other than that, you have a great general mindset! Great job!

Ooh, short and sweet! I like! *stars*

More particularly (since you probably want me to particularly tell you what I like) I like the direct statement that sounds like it's speaking to me, personally. That's awesome. And I like the ambiguous metaphor at the end. Do I fully understand it? No, but it's open for interpretation, which I really like! I like poets who want me to think.

Now... I have a problem with some of your wordings. And because it's poetry, I'm going to grill you on it, but just know that I love you and everything.

Don't you know,
You funny little adolescent,

Adolescent sounds soooo weird. It sounds like you're trying to make it gender neutral or whatever, but it ends up seeming really awkward and such. I would prefer "boy" or "girl." I don't think people typically say adolescent, which makes it odd when you

That there's small death

I have a problem with "small death"! I would rather see "a little death." Why? Because of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_petite_mort

And why do I say that? I love it when a poem can have a spectrum of meanings. Small death made me think of petite mort at once (I'm not sure if you meant that originally, but it fits really well that way!) and I think "little" sounds more poetic than "small" even though technically they mean the same thing.

Anyway, I like it! So yay for you (I guess?)!

As a poem, this sucked so bad (in so many ways). As a stanza - much better. As a life truth - great...or not. Who ever died from a beer?
I like what Snoink said about la petite mord, but I can also say that I love the "adolescent". It's demeaning - so what? It's also intriguing, interesting and spicy. It takes the man back in the childhood or adolescence and brings all the feelings of insecurity in life, fear of growing up, tendencies of becoming someone. If people can't handle the truth, screw them and if you ask: "But what about those who aren't adolescents, what about the people who are adults, by their mind, not just by their age"? Well, those people probably won't find themselves in your poem, if they, truly are adults. People are strange, and you need to write something that they can think about. How come you can only remember the worst things in life...let me express myself in another way...how come you can't forget the worst things in life, but the good ones you can? The same thing is with your poem, people will remember it (although I doubt that many people has a problem with alcoholism on this forum or a "beer fetish").

I have to agree with snoink, adolescent did sound odd to me. Actually, I think everyone who has commented so far has had some problem with the second line.
But it sounded odd in a good way; it made me want to read the last two lines. It was short, sweet and punchy. So good job for delivering your message.
That's pretty much all I can say. Gold star for you.
Empress